I gasp in Delight;
as were playing tonight.
i Moan and i groan
My heart races to places unknown.
I cringe in despair;
cuz you're not playing fair.
The gods only know of the pleasures we share.
You speed up your pace but this isn't a race.
You look in my eyes and tell me i'm sweet;
As we try to adjust the ruffled sheets.
we cuddle, we kiss,
as we lye and reminisce;
on this crazy event htat took place tonight
Listen Honey bun we just had a pillow fight.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Your spelling and grammar could really use some work, but other than that it's good. You had a great idea and you explained it well, and I really got the message in this poem. Other than your spelling and grammar this is a great poem.
I'd agree that you need to work on your grammar; the grammar check on Microsoft Word is probably helpful to check through your work if you have it. Apart from that, your description was good but I'd like to see a bit more emotion - I can see what's going on, but I want to know how it makes you feel as well. Good job apart from that, keep writing!
Excuse me while I grab my pen that writes in bold.
Corrections, as you probably concluded from the above sentence, will be written in bold.
This was not a bad poem, save for the grammar mistakes that I can pass off as you just being in a rush to post your work. I enjoyed reading it and am glad for the maturity that I've gained over the years, if not I would not have been able to read this with a straight face. I see you have talent, the only thing I ask of you would be to please read over your work before posting it online. If you were to simply glance over this once more before hitting "Submit" a lot of mistakes could have been easily advoided.
Cosmic
Oh! I liked the 'unexpected' part at the end. I agree with the above comments (grammar, spelling and lack of imagery/emotions).
It's not bad, just not so special. However I do like how you lead the reader into thinking about 'something else', especially with the title and the fact that it's rated 16.
Ummm...Since this is an old poem, why not try posting some new ones? I'd like to read them!
THank you guys it was one of my old poems thanks ALOT!
Alright, so,
Vasticity brings up a good point, and I fully agree with him.
However, I'm going to touch up on something else-your imagery and emotions need work. Imagery is what makes a poem. You really didn't have any major imagery to give to the reader and their emotions. I found this poem hard to read because of the lack of imagery.
You also need emotions. A poem is based on the narrators emotions-ie how they feel and why they feel like this. Emotion will tie your narrator to your reader. This poem actually lacked emotion, and I couldn't feel anything.
Overall-
You had a nice idea-you just need to fix your spelling and grammar, and add imagery and emotion.
~WickedWonder
I agree with the comment above =]
Two words: PUNCTUATION and SPELLING. I'm just going to go through the whole thing here because it's pretty short. The mistakes are in red and my notes are in blue.
#0000FF ">There should be a comma in between these two letters.Overall, you paint a good picture, but you need to improve punctuation, spelling, and the like in order to be a better writer.