tough guy

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this one...was a bit of a let down...considering the title seemed like it could be something pretty cool...well I'll explain all that in more detail down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time in a university in Georgia was a very powerful cult called Black Panther, the cult was so powerful that any of its members could achieve anything he or she desires on campus. The members of the cult could force the university lecturers to pass them with A in all their courses. They could also smoke and drink alcohol in class. They could also have sex with any girl they desired on campus.

Members where trained to be strong and tough. They trained with guns and knives. Disobeying students and lecturers can be killed by cult members.

A young man named Peter joined the cult and was very strong and tough. After a while police authorities was informed by university authorities and they raided the apartment of the cult members and arrested many of them after a deadly shoot out. Peter managed to escape and he fled to New York City. He was the only cult member that escaped. When he arrived New York City he changed his name and looks. He was known as Fred in New York. He decided to change his bad life style and embraced a discipline life style. He got a job for himself in a restaurant as a cleaner and he was satisfied with the small money he was paid. He rented a cheap studio apartment. He was working successfully until he met a beautiful lady called rose, she was so beautiful and ordinary that he immediately fell in love with her. He met her in the restaurant when he was cleaning the floor. He introduced himself to her and helped clean her chair and she liked him for his respect for her and friendly nature. They both exchanged phone numbers and house address. When Fred was not at work in the evening he went to visit rose and fortunately for him he did not meet rose elder brother (Jimmy) that was a thug and gang member.

Fred and rose went on a date that night and they both fell in love and went to Fred house where he made love to her all night. The love was intense and exciting. Their love grew from strength to strength until Jimmy met Fred and disliked him immediately. He saw him as an outsider (not a member of his gang) and decided to confront him. Jimmy told Fred to stop seeing his sister and that he should call the relationship off, Fred was angered by him and said he would deal with him if he trys to stop him from friending his sister. That was how the war between Fred and Jimmy began.

Moreover, Jimmy sent his gang members to try to kill Fred and the attempt was unsuccessful since Fred defended himself well. Fred disarmed one of the gang members and used the gun to kill the other members.

Fred then decided to kidnap his sister, this he did successfully and he told Fred that if he does not stay away from her he will kill her. Fred tried to look for rose and he went to Jimmy’s house and interrogated a gang member who told him where rose elder brother was hiding rose and that night he went there armed and a deadly shootout between both parties erupted and eventually rose was rescued by Fred, while Jimmy and his gang members were killed by Fred.

Finally, Fred and rose got married and had 2 beautiful children and they lived a successful life.

............ Uhmmm ok. No offense-- but I don't really understand why you wrote this in the first place.

I question why you wrote the whole thing in italics...

First paragraph, you stated the fact that both female and male are in the club but you end saying that they could have sex wih any girl they please. So either all the girls are lesbians or they have no power over sexual partners. I also think this sounds completely ignorant. Any girl? Really? Reeeaaally? Maybe try reevaluating that with a tad less sexist mind.

"He decided to change his bad life style and embraced a discipline life style." This sounds a tad redundant. Maybe try some different wording somewhere in there.

"beautiful lady called rose, she was so beautiful and ordinary that he immediately fell in love with her" after rose there would either be a period or a semicolon. And lol wtf? "so beautiful and ordinary"? What does that even mean? Lemme guess, she's *Italics* Not like other women?

Is it just me or would any other women not written by a man be a little wary about giving a strange busboy my number? Sorry that's just not how anything works at all ever in the history of everything.

"he did not meet rose elder brother (Jimmy) that was a thug and gang member." This should probably be: "He did not meet Rose's elder brother, Jimmy; who happened to be a thug and gang member."

Also you continually forget to capitalize Rose's name.

"Fred and rose went on a date that night and they both fell in love and went to Fred house where he made love to her all night." Is this a satire? Be honest with me here. First of all, no. This is not how anything works ever. Just no. I can't even begin to explain why this is not... I just can't.

This story is incredibly sexist and just... just no. It sounds more like a summary of a novel than a short story. It may have some potential if you really work on it. The main story okay (although it's been done to death) and if you rewrite some stuff and add some actual dialog, things like that, you may have something here.

While this is an incredibly low-qualty short story, with some practice, there's a chance this could be better.

One, lean to blend your sentences together. You do this incorrectly in the first sentence. It should be written like this: "Once upon a time, in a university in Georgia was a very powerful cult called Black Panther(; or .) The cult was so powerful that any of its members could achieve anything he or she desires on campus."

(I'm gonna be here a while)

"The members of the cult could force the university lecturers to pass them with A in all their courses. They could also smoke and drink alcohol in class. They could also have sex with any girl they desired on campus." This should be written as, "The members of the cult could force the university lecturers to pass them with A in all their courses. They could also smoke and drink alcohol in class and have sex with any girl they desired on campus."

Now, I'm not going to be the only person to say that this needs a lot of improvement, and judging b your choice of context, you either haven't done this before, or just haven't gotten the hang of it. I will not lie, a lot of people never will get the hang of it, but let me continue, with corrections.

"Members where trained to be strong and tough. A young man named Peter joined the cult and was very strong and tough." Strong tough, strong tough... It's quite vexing to see someone use the same adjective over and over again. It's not okay. Repeating things like that turn off readers, and just bore them to death. I mean if I said, "Peter was strong and tough. He was so strong and tough that he never lost in arm wrestling. He was the only strong and tough guy in the school..." See? I was boring myself just writing that. Try to expand your vocabulary when trying to describe your characters to make it possible to visualize, connect, and understand them. With those two words alone, no one is going to be able to create a mental picture of your characters.

Finally, your story is too damn rushed. One minute, this... this... this guy, (because that's all I see his as, a guy) is escaping from the police, changing his name and appearance, which you can't just do in few minutes, mind you. Than the story turns to romance, then this guy is getting hunted by his lover's sister, so he decides to kidnap someone. More random, unexplained shoot outs, more deaths with no explanation... This story is lazily written and very much so. For me, this is seriously vexing. I hate it when people just throw things into the spectrum ad expect someone to like it, with clearly no effort put in. It's one thing to not have the skill, but to not put the effort into a work is just appalling... I may be wrong, maybe this is the best you could've done, but I just can't see it. I hope you understand, but if you don't, well...

~The dark one.

Hi! I think this was a great story! Some parts didn't really give much detail, for example: "Finally, Fred and rose got married and had 2 beautiful children and they lived a successful life." What were the kids names? When did they get married? I think you get my point. Also the name rose should have a capital R. Other than those I think you did great! Keep up the great work! Sincerely, corgisrock22