Published September 5, 2010
The things I keep,
stay close to me,
I hold them in my heart.
My wishes, joys,
my greatest secrets,
will never be apart.
The things I keep,
I keep forever,
they're never thrown away.
I watch them and I care for them,
every single day.
The things I keep,
they keep me sane,
I couldn't live without them.
they take my bitterness away,
and send it off, into the rain.
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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi Originalhobbit! This poem flows so well that I couldn't help but say it out loud. The rhymes fall off the tongue without being too stiff and forced, which is something really difficult to achieve in poetry. Great job!
You don't need the first comma here. I know you are intending to make the reader pause at the end of the first line, but any good poetry reader will do so regardless of comma placement. Since this is poetry, you don't have to pay attention to my little grammar lesson, but you might appreciate it:
The first three lines of your poem consist of two independent clauses, which means they are sentences in and of themselves and can stand alone. Therefore, you can separate them with a comma and a conjunction, a semicolon, or a period; however, you may not separate them with a comma alone. Does this make sense?
This is so sweet! The only other thing I can see is that you don't need the last comma in the poem, either. Isn't it funny that the two commas in a poem that you don't need are the first and last ones?
Overall, this is absolutely adorable! Keep writing!
- Abigail
I really, really do like this poem and enjoyed the simplicity of it. It flowed well and the rhyme was in no way forced. However, like the reviewer above me, I have to say that the last line didn't flow as well as the rest for some reason.
Overall, I think this was a beautiful poem.
Keep writing,
~Crimson
Hi! I really like this. I think it's very simple but it's still effective, and people will be able to relate to it. It rhymes really well without sounding forced, and it flows as well. The only problem I have is with the last stanza - it doesn't seem to rhyme quite so well. I mean, sane and rain rhyme of course, but they're so far apart that I've forgotten about the word sane before I get to rain. I think it's because sane should be on the third line, either that, or there should be less syllables in the third and fourth stanzas. I hope I'm making sense! If sane and rain were just a bit closer together, the third stanza would be as great as the rest.