Published October 7, 2011
(This is my first real attempt at fan fiction, tell me if it's any good)
Neville Longbottom nervously dragged his trunk through the King's Cross station, unsure where he was going. He looked at the ticket Hagrid had given him. The ticket had directed him to go to platform 93/4. Well, here he was, between platforms 9 and 10. But the other platform wasn't there. I knew that man was crazy, Neville thought, hanging his head. He turned around and started to go.
"Here it is Harry, platform 93/4.", A voice rang out. Neville quickly turned back around. He saw a man with messy black hair pointing between platforms 9 and 10. With him was a small, skinny boy, holding a trunk, along with a woman who had startling red hair.
"E-excuse me?" Neville piped up nervously "where is the platform?". The man turned to Neville and smiled.
"It's right between 9 and 10", He said, pointing to a brick column. Neville was confused, apparently the man could sense it. "You just run at the column, and you'll be there," he said, he then turned to his wife, "Lily, care to demonstrate?" Lily nodded and took Harry's trunk. She straightened herself up and rushed toward the platform, trunk first. Neville closed his eyes, not wanting to see the woman injure herself.
When Neville didn't hear a crash, he opened his eyes. Lily had vanished. Neville gaped at the column. "Where did she go?" He asked, alarmed. Suddenly, it clicked. Magic, he though to himself, and the man nodded, knowing exactly what Neville realized. Neville quickly straightened himself up, ready to go.
"Good luck!" Harry said, straightening up as well. The boys ran to the column together. Neville was shocked as the brick vanished around them, revealing an entire new platform. Neville stopped, seeing all the other kids around him hugging and kissing their parents goodbye. He looked over at Harry, his mother was hugging him so hard it was screwing up his glasses. He smiled at the sight, thankful that Harry was lucky enough to have a mother who loved him so much. As he walked toward the other kids, he noticed the train. It was very large, and scarlet, on the side, two golden words glistened in the sunlight from the windows. "Hogwarts Express". Out of habit, Neville rubbed the lightning bolt scar on his forehead.
As he entered the train, Neville marveled at how many kids were there, hundreds were at the station, and dozens on the train. He was slightly intimidated as he looked for a suitable compartment. He found a compartment near the back and entered, closing the door behind him. As he sat down, another boy entered, the boy had flaming red hair, tattered clothes, and freckles.
"Hi, I'm Ron Weasley," the boy said, extending his hand, Neville shook it.
"I'm Neville Longbottom," he said. Ron's eyes went wide.
"really?" He asked. Neville nodded, "Wow," Ron said, "you're famous! My mum told me all about you, how you defeated You Know Who! Do you really have the scar?"
Nodding again, Neville moved his hair. He blushed when Ron let out an audible gasp. He was thankful when the door opened and a bushy-haired girl entered.
"Sorry for intruding, but this was the only compartment open, I'm Hermione Granger, by the way. And you two are..."
"Ron Weasley."
"Neville Longbottom." This time, Hermione gasped.
"Did you know you're in my history book?" she said, breathlessly. "I've read it three times already, isn't the history of magic fascinating?". Ron rolled his eyes, "Oh, roll you're eyes all you want, but history is the foundation of a magical education, it even says that in the book."
"Know-it-all." Ron said, and Hermione glared at him, leaving the compartment. " I guess you can't take a joke!" Ron yelled after her. He looked at Neville. "Can you believe her? Talking a mile a minute, she didn't let you get a word in edgewise."
"I thought she was nice." Neville said.
Hours later, there was an announcement: "All students must now change into their school robes, we are nearing Hogwarts castle."
Neville looked out the window. On the horizon, he saw the lights of the massive castle, illuminating the darkness.
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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
You did a great Job. I almost cry when I saw Lily and James still alive.
You should make Harry Neville's friend, like a Ron.
I once thought of somthing like this but I never really wrote it so again great job.
Lili
I found one mistake, but other than that it's a realy good piece. I often think what if it was someone else? And you've put it into words. wel done!
I really lover Harry Potter, so I can tell you some of my opinions.
, Neville wasn't that outspoken, especially at the part where he sees Harry.
I kinda thought that you just replaced Harry's name with Neville and Ron's name with Harry at the beginning, as we all know
Also, this would be a lot better of a book if the plot would be different. I don't think I would read any more if I know that I would be reading another Harry Potter, except with different names.
But of course it could go many other ways...
Thanks for all the tips and criticism, much appreciated. I am going to edit my grammar mistakes (which previously went unnoticed, so thanks for that.) and I will be continuing the story.
I think you kind of knocked everyone over the head with this one. From the very beginning of the story I knew that this was going to be a 'Neville-is-the-new-Harry-Potter' kind of story, but then you went out of your way to point it out with all the mentions of very red haired women and lightning bolt scars.
I do think it's going to be a great story, but just make sure you develop Neville as a character separate to how we see Harry Potter, not just as Harry Potter with a different name.
Good work!
Wow! That's awesome! I always thought about if Neville was the Harry Potter. But this is great!
This is brilliant! I really loved it, i just thought that maybe you could have stretched it out a bit longer. It was too fast paced, there wasn't much attention to detail and you made a few mistakes with grammar, but overall it was very good! I thought you captured the personalities of each character perfectly, and i loved Harry's small appearance. Very good and i really hope you work on this to produce an amazing short fan fiction! Brilliant, i'll be looking for the next part soon
I actually planned on expanding this, at least by a few chapters. I was going to have him buy Trevor as a Christmas present for himself.
It is really good! Congratulations.
This part gives us the impression thet Neville is the one talking. Maybe you should say that he "heard a voice"... I don't know. Maybe it is just me...
There should be a comma after "crazy".
It really sounds like Neville!!
Maybe you should describe his feelings a little bit more here... Write what it was thinking, introduce him to the reader, you know...
PERFECT!
I really like your story, but there are a few things missing... His toad, for example, and his grandmother.
But you did relly good! Congratulations.
I'm terribly sorry if anything that I said here sounds offensive. It was not my intention, I swear!
Keep writing!!
i am the hugest harry potter fan.
!!
i think the story was done very well.
though it feels like you have just interchanged the characters. neville in harry's place. neville as we know is very shy, forgetful, timid person. we cant actually find that here. he sounds like harry.and you forgot his toad! neville's famous toad. the toad certainly should make a entrance.
the story was perfect in the grammatical sense.
a very good read.
must say, no one can make harry potter harry potter without harry potter!