Published August 16, 2010
I wrote this because I felt like finally getting my feelings out about certain events. Feel free to criticize as much as you like. This was just free-writing:
She taught me how to say things right,
She taught me how to kiss.
She taught me to make love,
And she taught me what to miss.
My time with her was refreshing,
I found myself wishing it wouldn't end.
She took my sorrows, and my doubts,
she threw them to the wind.
She was my security,
My love, my source of air.
She turned depression into ecstasy,
Made the world good enough to bear.
She became my responsibility,
All too fast, she began to drain me.
She broke me down to dust.
I couldn't see the cracks she made,
she blinded me with trust.
My sight regained, I saw right through her,
Her lies fooled me no longer.
She began to break down before me,
And all the while, I grew stronger.
She twisted my words,
Her paranoia overtook her sanity.
She no longer was a rock to me,
But a slave to her cruel vanity.
Her shell, now weak,
Dissolved from her.
Her true self shining through,
My illusion of her shattered, and revealed her true intentions.
I decided then, what she had to face,
The consequences of her actions
Tired of her petty games,
The jealousy and all of the lies,
I fought to break away from them.
In the end, I escaped her hold,
Much to her great dismay.
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Canary word: Present
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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Okay, so, to begin with, I like the story within this ALOT, the message and all was really clear.
Allthough, what could've been better was your way of building the stanzas and the flow. I felt like you were afraid to make forced rhymes so you just made them when you felt like it so sometimes there were rhymes and then there were not. And the number of lines didnt fit either, there didnt seem to be any pattern at all there. So, I guess you could think a little about that.
Finally, I think you have alot of potential and again, I think the story your telling is great.
Good luck with further writings
Hugs and Hearts from Sagaa
Wow. That was beautiful. I really felt the emotion that you poured into that. Good job!
wow its... wow i can realte to some of what you've written its got alot of emotion great work
- MaskedGurl
I know that you said that this is just a free writing piece, but honestly it's really good. It's well written, and I kind of need to disagree,
Perhaps "My love and source of air" although this is a minor suggestion.
I like the way that it is. I can obviously see where EliteHusky is coming from with this suggestion, but it flows nicely as it is. It's more emotional; on a different level, obviously.
Well done.
- GhostlyImpressions.
Thanks for the great reviews and advice, like I said, this poem was just free writing, so I didn't expect a good response.
It's gr8...keep up the good work!
I like this.
I could feel the emotions that you put into this poem. I find it strong , yet a little bit scred or soft.
So, good job.
~Kit
Perhaps "My love and source of air" although this is a minor suggestion.
Good use of imagery.
Dead Sparks. A good title for a good poem. What I really liked about this was overal theme of breaching trust. You had a good rhyming structure and no spelling errors were detected on the first read. As I read through this, often stopping and re-reading a section, I realized it had a strong appeal to anyone who has ever been in a close relationship. I suppose the title sums it up best as a spark no longer alive. A very good effort and I look forward to reading more from you. Keep on writing.
Sincerely,
-Elitehusky