The sunken ship stood solemnly on the ocean floor, a monument to the lives that had been lost resting softly on the sand. The divers considered the thickly rusted hatches, the long-shattered windows, the hairline cracks along the hull, the mast snapped clean in two. One of the men slowly drew a waterproof camera out of one of the many pockets adorning his suit and snapped a picture. The wreck of the Atlantic Emerald.
He twisted in the water to look up at their boat, sitting calmly on the water surface far above them. A crackling signal over his radio drew his attention back to the task at hand, and he became aware that the captain was calling for him. He turned and swam after the rest of the crew, who were slithering single-file through one of the larger windows.
Inside the ship, audible gasps were heard over the radio. It was a world lost to time and air, frozen at its moment of destruction by the hungry sea. Carved wooden frames darned the walls, the pictures lost to saltwater years ago. Velvet had rotted off of couches and chairs, and holes gaped in the floor and walls.
A whistle pierced the radio silence, followed quickly by the captain's voice, listing out what they should take and what wasn't worth the effort. Golden frames and jewelry boxes were yanked from shelves and tarnished silverware stuffed into bags. For his part, the young man pocketed a double strand of ancient pearls.
In a minute, it was done, the crew of watery grave robbers swimming back up to the light, weighted down by gold and silver and precious things, leaving the dead and desecrated ship empty and looted.
A freezing current whipped through the rotten timbers behind them, tickling the men's feet as they swam. The captain radioed down that the sea was getting a bit rough and they should maybe double-time it.
When the men climbed onto the welcoming deck, the sun was gone, suffocated by wet, grey clouds that flashed with lightning. The pilot remarked that the weather sure had changed awful quick and probably they should get belowdecks just in case it got worse.
An icy wave suddenly crashed over the starboard side of the boat, soaking the men down to the bone, washing off of the slick, wet metal and returning to the frigid ocean. The pilot wrestling with the cold metal of the ship's wheel muttered curses under his breath as the freezing water seeped through his thick gloves and clung to his skin. The rest of the crew, caught off guard by the suddenness of the squall, ducked below to try and escape the ocean's fury.
The boat shook violently as it caught in a current, agitated by the storm, and the men began to whisper fearfully among themselves, wet and scared and tired and so far from home as they were.
They slowly fell silent as fear numbed them to the reality of their situation.
Suddenly, a cry went up from the deck, and hope surged through the men. Was it another boat? The edge of the storm?
The 'ship hoy!' cry echoed through the hold, and relief drove them up to the deck to see their redemption with their own eyes, to see the ship that would rescue them and ensure themselves that it was really and truly there.
A hole had punched through the pitch-black clouds, allowing a ray of light through the inky midnight blanket. The sunlight illuminated a patch of dark blue-green water, making the murky depths glitter like emeralds.
Sitting calmly in the bubble of paradise floating on the ocean surface, protected from the violent thrashing of the waves, the ancient, ghostly ship stood with a pride she had not possessed in decades. A flutter of wind caught her ragged sails and pushed her away from the bereaved men, the circle of sun traveling with her.
A shrieking, a snapping, a rending of metal, and the ocean had chewed the thieving ship to scraps of sinking steel.
The ancient pearl necklace drifted slowly to the ocean floor, and rested softly on the sand.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hi Felistia here with a review.
Wow, what a great piece of writing. The descriptions are excellent and carry the story well. The pictures are crystal clear from the moment you start. Not just the picture is perfect, but the sound is wonderful. I really like the title and having a good, attractive title draws people in and that's what you did, so well done.
Just some helpful suggestions about the descriptions. You presented the sound and sight well, but it could be even better with some smell and taste descriptions. You don't have to, but I would have liked more feel description. That's just from me though. I am craze about descriptions, so I just want more and more. I can be a bit nit-picky about them.
One other suggestion right at the end of your story, the last two lines seem very short compered to the rest and stand out rather badly. You could use them as opening lines and add a bit more description to them.
That's all though. Your writing is excellent and you managed to put just the right amount of emotion in it to make it interesting. By the way, I love the grave robbers theme.
Superb writing and I look forward to seeing some more of your work. Have a great day/night.
Wow! This was pretty dang good, and one of the best I've seen from the Green Room in a while. The title itself is very interesting, and inspired me to check this out. Although, i suppose that's the reason most people click on things.
I really loved the opening sentence, "The sunken ship stood solemnly on the ocean floor, a monument to the lives that had been lost resting softly on the sand." It really helps create an image of the ship laying on the ocean floor, abandoned and dead for years. I also like the name of the ship. (And by extension, the story's title) I didn't really see too many oddities pretraing to grammer, punctuation, and all that stuff. There is one thing that bothered me though, in this sentence here: "The boat shook violently as it caught in a current, agitated by the storm, and the men began to whisper fearfully among themselves, wet and scared and tired and so far from home as they were." This is a very descriptive sentence, and really puts you in the minds of the crew. The issue is the overuse of "and" at this part: "wet and scared and tired and so far from home as they were." I feel like you should replace the and after wet, scared, and tired with commas. Using and over and over doesn't look very professional.
Overall, that was my only real gripe with the story. I also really loved the ending. After the sun suddenly gave way to the storm, I had a feeling something bad would happen. I really love the contrast between the violent sea devouring the theives's ship and the peral necklace calmly sinking down to the bottom of the ocean.
Overall, this was a really good story! Also, I saw that this was your first post on YWS, so I'd like to congratulate you on a strong start! So... Congrats! That's all from me, with a final rating of 9.2/10.
Hey I loved this story you're really good at writing descriptions! I especially liked the part where you put "Inside the ship, audible gasps were heard over the radio. It was a world lost to time and air, frozen at its moment of destruction by the hungry sea" giving the sea human qualities.
In the first paragraph I really enjoyed your first sentence "The sunken ship stood solemnly on the ocean floor, a monument to the lives that had been lost resting softly on the sand." with the use of alliteration. When you put "of the many pockets adoring his suit" did you mean adorning? Adoring just seems slightly out of place. I liked the last short sentence.
In the second paragraph I liked the use of "slithering" to describe how the crew moved- it somehow reminds me of the sea. Again, I love the third paragraph.
In the fourth paragraph you said how "A whistle pierced the radio silence" did you mean the silence belonging to the radio or a separate silence?
I thought the phrase "the sun was gone, suffocated by wet, grey clouds" was really good as again you gave an inanimate (sort of) object unusual qualities.
The sentence "They slowly fell silent as fear numbed them to the reality of their situation" seemed appropriate and the word "numbed" was great considering they could have been cold from the water too.
The ending was really good- I especially liked how you described how violently the sea engulfed the ship and then in contrast how calmly the necklace reached the bottom of the ocean.
Once again really loved this piece it would be really good to see more writing like this
Thank you! Yes, that was supposed to be 'adorned'. I fixed it, thanks for pointing it out, and I'm super happy you liked it!