Center of Attention
A lush green forest,
drowned in dawn’s golden glow.
Wind filtering through the trees,
causing the leaves to dance.
A small bird awakens,
it’s nut brown feathers rippling in the wind.
A man enters the forest,
his rifle in hand,
his cigarette between his teeth,
his heart throbbing with excitement.
The bird takes flight,
bathed by the suns golden light.
The wind caresses its body,
its soul dances with joy.
The man looks up,
eyes scanning the sky,
rifle poised,
and cigarette glowing coal red.
The bird passes overhead,
mind consumed with the vast expanse.
The leaves continued to dance,
and the wind continued to blow.
The sun continues to rise,
and its light continues to glow.
The bird continues to fly,
its body still caressed.
A crack echoes through the forest,
the bird begins to fall,
the rifle smokes,
the man smiles.
The bird falls upon a worm,
the man’s face drops,
the bird ascends.
He had missed.
Yet the leaves continued to dance,
and the wind continued to blow.
The sun continued to rise,
and its light continued to glow.
The bird continued to fly,
as it devoured its meal.
All unaware,
unaware of that inconsequential dot.
All unaware,
unaware of that poor man’s tragedy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
AGREED.
Sunlight is always golden. The wind always caresses. These things are all well and good in prose, but they fall flat in poetry. What makes the sun in this story worth of mention? What makes this breeze different from any other bog-standard caressing breeze? Besides the fact that metaphors or other sorts of figurative/unusual descriptions are interesting... they help give an atmosphere to the poem without saying "well this is the feeling you should be getting here".
I think this poem flowed really well and the rhythm and rhyme were perfect but you switched tense for a single line in the middle -
The leaves continued to dance,
and the wind continued to blow.
The sun continues to rise,
and its light continues to glow.
- I'm sure you didn't mean to write in past tense there but just thought I should point it out.
As for the context, I didn't really understand how the man missing the bird was so tragic for him but I liked the suggestion that the bird is unaware of how close to death it came. Perhaps make a igger thing of that.
Overall, I liked it a lot. Oh and I think the title is a little strange and you probably mean centre of attention.
So... the man's the dot?
Interesting. Perhaps you could've portrayed the man as a bit more tragic towards the end.
Your rhyme scheme. It was inconsistent. It worked. [>>high praise]
The repitition also worked. [>>fairly high praise]
Your structure seems sound, now work on what you're actually saying.
For instance; most of your imagery is cliche. The sun as golden, for example. Why can't the sun be cotton? Why can't it's warming beams ripple like the torn off notbook binding? Or why can't you describe it as something else; interesting and unique.
Good luck, this piece, like youself, has potential.
~Ed