A Peasant’s Reassurance
‘Because a true king looks toward the sky,
Though some revolt and others conspire,
A true king will never die.
That’s why he’ll always try,
Try never to tire,
Because a true king looks toward the sky,
Though poison is dropped into his thick rye,
And around his neck tied a thin wire,
A true king will never die.
That’s why he’ll pass you by,
Why those who block his way earn his ire:
Because a true king looks toward the sky,
Though the kingdom becomes a sty,
And the crops begin to expire,
A true king will never die.
From his mouth will come no lie,
And upon him no affliction dire;
Because a true king looks toward the sky,
A true king will never die.’
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
contest is over, now I can crit
But still, rather then covering specific content, I'll be general in hopes to help you as a poet, not just this poem.
The main striking point in a Villanelle is its repetition; it either makes or breaks the piece. Generally, good poems interpret the refrain in a new way each time. The winning poem of the contest did this very well. I'm not stating this as a rule, either; there are excellent poems that do just the opposite. I'm simply suggesting it as something to experiment with.
Happy breathing,
~Ed
Thanks for the comments guys; I edited my poem to try to follow some of your advice but I couldn't follow all of it because it would interrupt with my poem's purpose. My repeating lines, for example, are sort of meant to be subdued because I am trying to show a peasant living in a hopeless land pointlessly trying to reassure himself about things by thinking about the king. I couldn't find a way to keep this point while having an explosively emotional rhyme. Also my use of commas are sort of to show which ideas I'm trying to connect (like the second and third stanzas). I was wondering if I could get any advice on how to fix some of these problems without messing up the purpose of the poem.
It's a very good attempt. This structure is a great choice is you want to challenge yourself but it can be very restricting and rather repetitive if you're not careful.
With this poem, I felt that your wording was good and your imagery wasn't too bad but the subject itself was rather weak and the lines you're going to repeat need to be strong, dramatic and brilliant. They need to express more emotion so that each time you read them, instead of thinking 'oh it's that line again' you see a new turn to the phrase, a new meaning behind the words.
I'd suggest changing "toward" to "to" in the first line (and the succeeding lines); it'll make it read cleaner, and helps with the rhythm.
There's something wonky about the phrasing in the second line, but I can't think of any way to improve it. Also, to correct your punctuation--no comma at the end of the first line, and I'd suggest a dash at the end of the second; also, a period at the end of the third?
I'd suggest eliminating the word "thick." Here, the commas at the end of every line work; but you seem to think that you need a comma at the end of every one, regardless. Nothing could be more false!
Too many syllables in the second line; try trimming it a bit. Also, I'd suggest a colon--":"--at the end of the second line.
Again, your lines just aren't flowing quite right in the first and second. Try playing around with synonyms and rewordings.
I'd replace the comma at the end of the second line with a semicolon (";"). Otherwise, well done.