Young Writers Society

Hello, hello!

I bled through my shirt twice over.
I have chapped lips, red skin, no bones, no blood.

I like the immediate contradiction between bleeding through the shirt and then claiming to have no blood. It gives me a sense that the narrator isn't describing their body literally so much as how detached or emptied out they feel. "No bones, no blood" has a strong rhythm as well, though I wonder whether "red skin" needs something more to connect it to the first line. At the moment, I can imagine sunburn, irritation or blood, and I'm not sure which association you most want us to have.

think of blood/think of hands/think of me,
with a cigarette in between my teeth like John Wayne,
or your father.

Is this a commentary on masculinity?

The repetition here has a really good sound and I like how "think of me" suddenly brings the narrator into the pattern. The move from John Wayne to the other person's father is interesting, though I think the significance depends on information I don't have. Is the narrator trying to resemble the father, mock him or place themself among the masculine figures this person recognises? The ambiguity can work, but I can't tell.

the two of us each smoke a cigarette for the first time
on streets dark as the water that leaks from a body
that has just fainted on a bathroom floor:

The image of "water that leaks from a body" is unsettling, but I'm not completely sure what I'm meant to picture. I think the vagueness adds to the dreamlike feeling of the poem, but it also makes the simile difficult to visualise. You repeat "fainting on a bathroom floor" immediately afterwards too, and I think the second use weakens the first.

you’re too small and contained, your spine too well-dressed.
you never bleed, either. I ignore the gut-rumble and indulge
my fight or flight.

"Your spine too well-dressed" is probably my favourite image in the poem! I like how it does not focus much on the other figure, yet it makes them seem controlled down to the structure of their body. I think that contrasts nicely with the narrator's leaking, bleeding and vomiting body. I imagine there's something romantic going on?

"Indulge my fight or flight" is interesting too, though I'm unsure what the narrator physically does here. Since fight or flight usually describes an involuntary response, "indulge" suggests to me they are choosing to surrender to it. Does the narrator have a choice in the matter? I am a little unsure what that means in context.

***

This is beautiful! I like how the narrator seems frightened not only of being ill in the other person's house but of leaving any evidence of their mess there. That made me think this poem has some roots in body image and mental health.

The ending is chilling and I like how it turns the act of writing into another form of violence. "I am thinking of this poem as a killing" feels deliberate and controlled after a poem full of involuntary reactions, while "leaving a bloody mess on this" returns me to the fear of making a mess in someone else's space. I'm not sure whether "on this" refers to the page, the relationship or the reader, though. I like that it is left purposefully vague, but I wonder if you could have expanded that idea throughout the earlier stanzas. I want to see more of that idea!

Thanks for sharing this poem! Cheers!

Lipton