Published October 10, 2011
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hey again!
Thanks for the clarification about mistakes, was a little confused! It really helped, because I'm really addicted to this story and just want it to be the best it can be.
I'll definitely look at the tutorials, I'll bet they will really help.
And I figured out, having recently had to re-boot my computer, that my version of word had turned off spell checker for some reason :/ but it's back now! So hopefully all should be well.
And I have the first and second chapter up already, plus there's lots more on the way. Should get to reviewing really, oh dear.
But thanks again, hope you enjoy the rest!
x
Alright, I'm giving this another look trying to spot more spelling mistakes
realizingcreature's
hm, whaddya know that's really the only one I could locate x) In fact, I think most of the mistakes were actually possessive errors that somehow registered a spelling mistakes to me.
its
remember that the only time you use it's (with an apostrophe) is when you mean "It is". Otherwise, you use its.
here it is again
dragon's (the dragon's death. needs apostrophe)
people's
should be slices, since you are writing in present tense.
dragon's
And I used to have the same problem with commas, to be honest x) I just used too many of them! But it really pays off to learn how to use them. Here's a good place to go for tutorials: forum151.html
Well, there really was nothing wrong with how you described things. But you know when sometimes you read a really good book and there are always a few words or phrases that really jump out at you and you just think 'genius!'. I guess I just would like a few of those x) There was nothing that really made your way of telling things stand out.
Hope that helped! And for the record, I didn't think it was bad at all. Just felt like it still needed a lot of work xP
Leave me a message when the next part's up, you're obviously working hard on this!
And what spelling mistakes did you notice? I only thought of 'magick', but in my story thats how I'm spelling it.
Help me out?
Thanks.
Thanks for the review!
And the blood, well blood...death? The M.C is trying to say that the fact she's bleeding so much and the smell of it in the air is making her think of death. Maybe that wasn't clear.
No offense taken, honestly its fine I prefer constructive critisism rather than someone telling me its good when its not.
So I know what you mean in the first sentence, its just ive read it so many times that I don't notice these things any more, but I'd like it if you could read a little bit more that I've written, I think it gets better but I'm not sure.
I've got a lot of passion for this story so I hope you didn't think it was too rubbish!
Erm the sentence with the 'tripping' and stuff, I'm a little iffy with that every time i read it, so I'm sort of glad you pointed it out. I'll change it
And the commas? When I write something I try to write it like I'm reading it. I want it to be dramatic and let the reader really get involved in the story. I know I use them too much, its something I'm working on, I'm always going back and deleting them thinking 'god why did I put one there!?' haha.
Something I thought was a tiny bit harsh was the descriptions I put in, and vocabulary? Was it really not that good? Because I didn't think they were that bad. Just saying.
And the words that are misspelled? Well I write really fast as well, so more often than not the third time i read things I'll notice and change them.
If you thought it was that bad, sorry. My sister loves it, and she's 24. But oh well.
Thanks again.
Hey! The title reminded me of Death Note so I thought I'd review ^_^
picky comment, but I didn’t like how you said ‘feet’ twice in this first sentence. I’d rewrite it as ‘The ground beneath me is cruel; it slows the tread of my feet and aids those of the beast on my heels, feeding my life to the Gods of Death.’This was a rather long sentence and felt like a mouthful to read. I’d separate it into a few sentences. ‘Blood drips down my back from a wound given by the claw of the beast.’
To be honest, I don’t know what you were trying to say by ‘and my leg, from the continuous tripping, makes the air strong with the scent of death.’ So you’re on your own there.
I’ve noticed that you seem to have an issue with commas. I’m really not a grammar Nazi, but these mistakes are frequent and halfway through the chapter became distracting. More often than not, you have extra commas sprinkled in your writing that really don’t need to be there. It creates unnecessary pauses and makes the chapter more difficult to get through. I wasn’t going to go through and point out every single instance, but if you read through this again, I think you’ll notice them.
If you need extra help on commas, I could point you towards a few tutorials that have really helped me out. There are some really good ones in the Writing Resource section here on YWS.
To be honest, all the grammar errors kind of kept me from enjoying this chapter. Not only were there a lot of commas mistakes, there were a few misspelled words toward the end. Easy stuff that could’ve been fixed by a simple spell check on MSWord. And I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t go back and edit some of the mistakes that were pointed out by another reviewer.
The action was alright, but none of your vocabulary or descriptions were very impressive. I didn’t understand some of the stuff you were saying in the beginning about smelling death and Gods of Death and whatnot.
So I think there is still a lot of editing that could be done to make this chapter better. If you have any questions about this or anything, let me know! I’d be glad to help. Sorry if this review was too harsh,
Aww that's sweet of you
I liked it very much and I'm glad my comments helped! Art college! That's awesome! And I think you're writing's great, a pleasure to read and review 
Wow! Thank you SOOOOO much!
So basically, I haven't much idea of how to properly structure the sentences for a story, so any feedback is much appreciated!
I honestly didn't expect such amazing feedback!
I've got loads more of the story written, so I'll definitely post some more! Great tips, exactly the sort of comments I was hoping for, I'm used to constructive critism (I'm at art college so it's pretty much a given) so thank you very much!
I've only ever written as a hobby, as something I do when I've got some time to myself and a story keeps niggling at me! If it's in my head, it's on my computer!
So yeah, thank you again!
Might spy on your work too
x
Hey! You knew to YWS? Cool that you've posted something already
Well done and I look forward to reading more 
First of all, wow. This was really good!!! I got gripped from the first line and you kept me gripped for the rest of it. I loved how you started with some action and also I really like your writing style - you weave in some description while still holding your audience's interest, Your character developement was quick and effective. I was listening to some really dramatic full orchestra stuff while I was reading the epilogue so it made the fight seem even more epic
Now for some suggestions/nit-picks:
Firstly, I think you could've posted the epilogue and chapter 1 separately, which is what most YWSers do. This makes it slightly easier to review, you know? Also, you called the first part the epilogue, but did you mean the prologue, which comes before as opposed to the epilogue which comes after the story? Now for some nit-picking/grammar correcting:
The last part is quite abrupt: "soon to be. My death." I think it would be better if you made that one sentence.
same here
This isn't a mistake, it's just that I always find it more effective to put the character's thoughts in italics, especially in first person POV so that the reader can sort of differentiate between what the character is thinking and what they are doing.
Now just to point out some stuff I like:
I like the way you very quickly give us an idea of his character, and his relationship with the MC.
More great character development, and some good decription.
I also like the world you have created; the Academy, these Gods, it's all very intriguing and I want to know more.
Overall, great job! I would've liked to do a longer review but my mom's calling me, haha. Great job, really well done and i hope my suggestions helped. There really isn't much you need to change
WOW! Good job, i LOVED it!!! Its amazing!!! Keep going because your work is really good. Good job and i cant wait to see some more <3
WOW! Good job, i LOVED it!!! Its amazing!!! Keep going because your work is really good. Good job and i cant wait to see some more <3