Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter one
The boy and the demon
“I wonder what would have happened if he survived. If he survived he surly could have taken us out. Maybe this time I’ll be his friend. Hope he doesn’t remember who resets him.”
A young short skinny boy with a demonic smile going from ear to ear showing no dimples is seen. His body shrouded in shadow with only showing his smile and eyes glowing a red in the shadow. He is seen sitting on a rock half the size of a cart in a field of grass under the moon.
He begins to lough demonically enough the devil would quiver in fright.
“Hmm Jack I wonder if Julia is going to school today if she is she’ll probably avoid Jackson”
“Huh why do you say that?”
‘Two boys one average height and one tall with good builds around the age of sixteen are seen walking to school wearing a white shirt with a black tie and long black pants with black leather shoes. The tall one has broad shoulders, black hair, grey eyes and is relativly good looking and the average one has red hair, green eyes and somewhat attractive. The red head says.’
“Because she likes him and he confessed to her and she has no idea how to respond. And I’m going to tell him how she feels”
Jack: “James”
James: “Yes”
Jack: “You’re an ass hole”
James: “I know! But on a different topic that girls still following me every were I go, don’t think she wants to kill me if she did she could have a long time ago. Oh and jack your brother is, how do I put this”
Jack: “Let me guess he’s.”
James: “Yeah he’s the one brock the bubblers in the hall, the principles pot plant, the trash can that’s bolted at the end of the hall way in school and one of the lights on the agriculture field. He’s also suspended.”
Jack: “Mums going to be pissed.”
‘On their way to school they pass metal fence with wire twisted into a diamond kite pattern, on the other side of the fence is a phatic with a cow pen, horse stables, sugar Cain and corn crops.’
Jack: “I can’t see the light but I do see where it’s meant to be.”
James: “Wonder how long same will be suspended for.” ‘James says under his breath.’
Jack: “Huh”
James: “oh I was just wondering how long your brother is going to be suspended for.”
Jack: “he’ll be lucky if he’s not expelled then again he’s done worse. Remember when he burnt the fields, (Jack said with glee) well we did need to replant and we were going to burn them. Even so he rushed it and ended up burn the whole field we still needed crop the sugar Cain.”
James: “You know you shouldn’t say those things out loud, pretty sure everyone around us wants to kill your brother normally but now they have another motive.”
‘All the students around James and Jack have an aggressive expression.”
Jack: “true”
‘James comes to a halt and looks behind him to see a cluster around the girl that follows him home.’
Jack: “Huh James…James…James!
James: “Oh you wanted something”
Jack: “Yes why did you stop?”
James: “Oh a whole bunch of people have stopped and grouped up around that girl who follows me home.”
Jack: “you don’t even know her name. Its jasmine”
James: “How do you know it?”
Jack: “None of your business.”
James: “that makes it seem like you like her you can have her I don’t know her”
‘Jacks face fills with blood, his cheeks go a light red. He has an agitated expression on his face.’
Jack: “Never mind and what do you mean, you two have spoken before.”
James: “I know but that doesn’t mean I know enough about her. But I do feel calm when I’m around her maybe because I’m only friends with wired people like you.”
Jack: “Fuck you.”
James: “No thank you I don’t want to feel that.”
Jack: “you dirty minded… where, are you going school this way.”
James: “yes I know but I’m going to see what their talking about.”
Jack: “fine but if you come back with a yondary as a girlfriend I don’t know how long I would stay your friend!”
“don’t worry if I do I’ll make sure you’re the first person she’ll torture and kill.
////
A/N unfinished
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hello Comrade!
It was me who dragged you here, my friend. Anyways on with the review!
This is problematic, at first i wasn't sure if this was the title or a piece of the text. I figured it out but it would be best if you formatted this properly.
You switch your speech format here. Why. Is this a novel or a screenplay? also your grammar, your missing most of that, especially in dialogue.
You don't need apostrophe's, I know why you did it you told me irl but... really? (To anyone who doesn't know it was me who 'convinced' this guy to join YWS, i actually wrote this review sitting right next @onnieechan irl) you don't need apostrophes around description, readers will know its description.
This could use a lot of improvement, as does much of your other descriptions, also you don't add much character between dialogue, it feels like i'm reading a text feed.
Overall this has potential and should be worked on, i know its unfinished but you still didn't introduce much of anything. You definitely need to work on grammar and punctuation. I would write more but... I can't be bothered.
Keep Writing!
-brotherGeo
Hello! Just here for a quick little review. The person below me covered most of the formatting and grammatical errors, so I'll just be adding to that.
But before we get into that, I want to start out by saying that this seems like an interesting story already, what with all the character's talking about murder and killing like it's a normal thing. This is an interesting read, but the way its written makes it a little hard to follow, so I hope this helps make it an easier read.
Anyway, without further delay-
#1: 'A young short skinny boy with a demonic smile'. There should be commas between young, short, and skinny, much like I just did. Since you're listing more than two things, commas are always necessary.
#2: 'He is seen sitting on a rock half the size of a cart in a field of grass under the moon.' You used 'he is seen' a sentence earlier. So it seems repetitive if you use it again. Try something like 'The moon lit up the field of grass and the large rock he is sitting on.' (that's a weak example, but you get what I'm going for.)
#3: 'the principles pot plant,' Minor thing, but it should be 'the principle's pot plant'.
#4: And finally, you sometimes forget to capitalize a person's name in a sentence. Like here- 'Its jasmine'. That should be 'It's Jasmine.'
That's all I've got to say for you. I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh or mean, but I hope it helps you in some way!
thank for your review i will start on that. Hope you enjoy the rest when i post it. once again thank you.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS
I hope you're enjoying it so far!
This novel seems to have a pretty interesting plot! Your title is definitely captivating, as is your chapter title and your opening sentence. It will definitely attract readers. I think the most confusing thing about this is your format, which I go into detail later. If I just misunderstood or missed something, then I'm really sorry! Anyway, here's your review.
I believe you meant "surely" not "surly"
How about instead of "going from ear to ear" you can say "stretching from ear to ear"? And it seems a little awkward to say that the boy "is seen." How about something like "stands in the shadows" or something?
This is not really a sentence, but you can fix this by added "is" after "body." I would change "shadow" to "shadows" - it just sounds a bit better. This sentence is worded a bit weirdly as well; I recommend going back and making this less wordy. It just read awkwardly right now.
You need a period at the end of the first quote. Also, I would start a new sentence at "IF she is, she'll probably avoid Jackson." But since this is the first dialogue interaction between the characters, I definitely recommend adding "responds Jack" or whatever at the end of the quotes, because right now I have no idea who's talking; it's a bit confusing.
You don't need single quotes around this. Also, I would refrain from saying "are seen" and things along that. Instead, describe the walking. Right now, it kind of feels like a play script/stage directions. Also, instead of saying this guy looks like this and has this coloured hair, describe it. Show not tell. For example, you can say "his green eyes sparkled in the sun" (that was just a random example). This way it isn't like an information dump.
How come you decided to switch your dialogue format to a play/script structure? If you're set on doing that, you should start with this format in the beginning instead of switching midway in order to be consistent. But since this is a novel, I don't know if the script format really works well with this.
This is a run-on sentence, so I'll just rewrite it (and fix a few other things). "But on a different topic, that girl's still following me every where I go. I don’t think she wants to kill me. If she did, she would have a long time ago. Oh, and Jack, your brother is... how do I put this?”
It should be "Mum's" since you mean "Mum is going"
You don't need single quotes around this. You only usually use it if you have a quote within a quote. There are other spots where you do this, but hopefully this will help you find them all. I also went ahead and fixed a few things to make this: On their way to school, they pass a metal fence with wire twisted into a diamond kite pattern. On the other side of the fence is a phatic with a cow pen, horse stables, sugarcane, and corn crops.
Here you mix the two ways of presenting dialogue. This can get confusing for your readers.
In several spots, you don't capitalize the beginning of dialogue/quotes. I'll give you an example below, and hopefully that will help you to find the rest.
"oh" should be capitalized.
You're also mixing two ways to present dialogue here as well. And I believe you mean "sugarcane" not "sugar Cain"
Expressions like these make it seem like a play/stage directions. But as I read on, that kind of seems like the format you're going for. Is this meant to be a play and not a novel? I think you should go back and pick which format you want to go with and edit to make everything consistent.
I'm not going to comment further on your format because perhaps I missed something. Right now, it's a bit confusing which direction you're going with, but hopefully you can edit and make that clearer! If I just missed something or misunderstood, I apologize! I also apologize if I sounded a bit harsh; I’m only trying to help! <3 Overall, I think you have a pretty good start, and I hope this helped! I’m excited to read the next parts!!
thank you for you review i will start on those changes but with the first sentence [if he survived he surly would have taken us out]. It is how i wanted to write it. Once i finish the first chapter it will make more seance. but once again thank you for you review.
Of course! Oh my bad. Surly means %u201C bad-tempered and unfriendly. %u201C so I assumed you meant surely which means %u201C with assurance or confidence./used to emphasize the speaker's firm belief that what they are saying is true and often their surprise that there is any doubt of this.%u201C I%u2019m sorry about that! But I hope the rest was helpful
my bad i read the review too fast i did spell it wrong thank you
oh and the play format is just so i can focus on writing i'll make it seem more like a novel when i'm finished. hope you enjoy the rest.
Oh, gotcha! Thanks!