Published September 23, 2008
Wow. Very long, but very nice. This blows any of my attempts at free-verse out of the water, that's for sure.
At first I thought the odd spacing were errors, but after I looked it over again, I realized it worked surprisingly well.
It starts out so well-worded and structured, but by the end the power behind the words is impressive. It's a good combination, and the transition was flawless.
Definitely one of your better poems. Good job!
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141,782 Literary Works • 675,763 Reviews
Wow, impressive, I like it. I love the last line (definitely my favourite line from the poem
)
I can only really think of a couple of things that I noticed but it's just little nitpicks really:
You switch from plural to single in this line so either make it "sandwiches" or "I" instead of "we"
Write 1/6 as "a sixth". This just helps the poem to flow better.
Something about this line just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. Maybe split it into two lines, I dunno? Also "gorija" should be capitalised.
Hope I've been of some help.