Love and Sin

To your question about whether or not anyone got it yet, the answer is no. Great guesses so far, and all on the right track. Eimear seems to be the first person to note the capital "H" in "His".

This is actually very good- sorry, I sounded surprised. But it was great in my opinion, and it seems like you put a lot of hard work and thought into it.

So the whole theme was very aural and visual, I could hear the "claps of thunder" and vividly see the "lightening slashing the sky". Well done in that respect. You've painted the picture, as they say, very well.

Waters fall from sky to ground,
nourishing the trees they pound.
Like purgatory, it is,
cleansing souls just barely His.

I love this poem. I love how it starts out all sexy then wallows into true love. I like the rhythm and the beat of this poem
Highlights:

Lightning slashes at the sky.
rain saturates the soil dry.
thunder claps and roars its din,
drowning out my dreadful sin.

Those freest of all, the birds,
chirp their songs of graceful words,
careless of the danger near,
singing tunes for me to hear.

In it's place, a chilling light,
forcing me to hold him tight.
I see our love in his eyes,
lasting trust that never dies.

Secret hidden by the dark,
on our souls it leaves it's mark.

whence wrote:rhyming kills this poem. It makes it feel contrived and forced--focus on emotion first. I'd recommend you try free verse until you find your 'voice'--then you can go back to rhyming if you like.

this is a really nice poem. But I'm confused- not by your peom but by the fact I have -500 points.

rhyming kills this poem. It makes it feel contrived and forced--focus on emotion first. I'd recommend you try free verse until you find your 'voice'--then you can go back to rhyming if you like.

I love the idea of weaving a message into nature and its courses. First of all I wanted to commend you on your attention to rhythm throughout the piece. It's not always easy to write with a certain cadence.

The only problem arises when you set yourself to a strict meter, is that the readers 'attention is quickly drawn to any deviations from this meter. The meter is pretty solid throughout, but striving for more consistency will really help you out! Here are some little suggestions (nothing major is necessary) to make it stronger, feel free to do with them what you please.

oneeyedunicornhunter wrote:
Lightning slashes at the sky.
[and soil is no longer] dry.
thunder claps and roars [its] din,
drowning out my dreadful sin.

Waters fall from sky to ground,
nourishing the trees they pound.
Like purgatory [cleanses souls]
[water washes with same goals?]. - (sorry, i wasn't quite sure of your intent for this line, but the meter needs some work regardless)

[The wind-- it gusts] and branches snap,
sluggish days like lightning zap
to the place of no return,
where love and sin [forever] churn.

[And the birds who are most free]
[chirp their graceful melody,] - (birds don't use words, silly )
careless of the danger near,
singing tunes for me to hear.

'Carry on,' I think they say.
'In the end, you'll know the way.'
Peaceful now, the scene becomes,
as my pain and sorrow numbs.

In it's place, a chilling light,
forcing me to hold him tight.
[our love I see is] in his eyes,
lasting trust that never dies.

Secret hidden by the dark,
on our souls it leaves it's mark.

haha! vernon, hate to break it to you, but when water falls on trees, it just MIGHT be described as pounding!

thanks for the compliments, amber.

This poem was very beautiful, dear! It seemed like the narrator has a new love in her life, but at the same time leaves you wondering.

My favorite part of the poem was this stanza:

Waters fall from sky to ground,
nourishing the trees they pound.
Like purgatory, it is,
cleansing souls just barely His.

I'm not sure why, but it really stood out to me and caught my attention! I also admire how you compared such feelings of love with nature. Beautiful!

Hmm, okay. You've a nice idea but some bits you force the rhyming so it makes little sense. I'll show:

Waters fall from sky to ground,
nourishing the trees they pound.

alright, i didn't want to, but i thought i'd bump this poem for three reasons: 1)i revised it a bit 2)i didn't get many reviews... 3)i will donate 50 points to the first person who correctly guess the theme.

Hi there! Love the poem. So powerful. Favorite lines bolded, suggested for correction in red, my comments in italics.

Lightning slashes at the sky.
rain saturates the soil dry.
thunder claps and roars it's din,
drowning out my dreadful sin.

Waters fall from sky to ground,
nourishing the trees they pound.
Like purgatory, it is,
cleansing souls just barely his. - I don't get what you're trying to say.

The wind gusts and branches snap,
sluggish days like lightning zap
to the place of no return,
where love and sin mix and churn. - Oooh I love this line.

Those freest of all, the birds, - This doesn't seem to flow well, maybe reword it.
chirp their songs of graceful words,
careless of the danger near,
singing tunes for me to hear.

'Carry on,' I think they say.
'In the end, you'll know the way.'
Peaceful now, the scene becomes,
and quicker now, the pain numbs. - This line would flow well with an extra syllable. That's just my opinion.

In it's place, a chilling light,
forcing me to hold him tight.
I see our love in his eyes,
lasting trust that never dies.

Secret hidden by the dark,
on our souls it leaves it's mark.