Published September 18, 2009
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
This is interesting. It sounds seems like an advertisment/ you are trying to sell it or something.
I'd work on the imagery in this. Be more descriptive, tell us more. Put scents in our noses, sights in our mind, taste in our mouth etc.
Good job!
Kamas
Hi!!
You had a very interesting opening and that made me really want to read more. You need to make this longer though.