CHAPTER ONE
The corners of my mother’s lips twitched into a smile as set the green mortarboard atop my head and brought the blue tassel around to the front. Her eyes were twinkling with that sense of pride that I remembered seeing so many times in the past, but this time wrinkles framed her round face, tears welled up causing her glossy turquoise eyes to look like marbles.
She stepped back on the sidewalk to take in the full affect. There I was, green cap and gown, accentuated by the blue of the tassel and my red dress as it poked out underneath the gown. A few tears escaped her aged eyes, slowly trailing down the sides of her cheeks to rest at her neck.
“Mom, stop. You’re going to make me cry.” I quickly wiped away the salty tears that threatened to smear my mascara.
My mother hugged me tight to her and in her raspy voice, she whispered, “you’re going to be great.”
I beamed and held her small, frail frame tighter. My curly locks shrouding us both as we hugged. “I wish I could be there for you, darling.” She whispered into my ear.
“Don’t worry about it, mom.” I whispered back. “You always have my college graduation to go to. This is only high school. It’s just the beginning.”
She held me at arms length, her watery eyes looked as though she were about to burst into tears. “Knock ‘em dead, Lilly.”
I looked into her eyes and after a pause, I whispered, “I will.”
I felt my dad pat me on the shoulder. “Ready, honey?”
I grinned and hugged him too, my face buried in his round stomach. He mumbled “you look gorgeous,” as he kissed the top of my head.
“Alright. Enough sappiness. Let’s do this.” I wiggled my eyebrows at my brother who was sitting on the steps of the front porch. Hiking up my gown, I ran from the front lawn to the car. “Shotgun!” My cap threatened to fall off as I ran, I held it tightly to my head and whipped open the door of the black SUV in the driveway. My brother was already in hot pursuit. Slamming the door behind me, careful not to shut it on my gown, I pointed and laughed at him teasingly as he panted and shot me a fake dirty look.
“I come back from college to sit through this dumb four hour ceremony and I don’t even get the front seat?” He grumbled as he sidled into the backseat. He blew his floppy brown hair away from his eyes as he held onto my back head rest to pull himself closer to me, “your speech better be good. I think I might fall asleep.” As my dad opened his door, I turned around to give Cameron the stink eye. His green eyes locked onto my own and I stuck my tongue out at him before turning back to face my seemingly oblivious father.
My dad, who was far from vertically challenged, bent his head down to avoid hitting it on the roof of the car as he sat down in the driver’s seat. Then, as he buckled up he said in a low stern voice that he only put on when he was joking around, “There’ll be no sleeping at this thing. No matter how boring it is.” He gave a chuckle as he nudged me in the shoulder with an elbow. Once he turned on the car, Aerosmith blasted through the speakers. Reflexively, I dialed the knob back down to a decent volume.
“Were you rocking out in here, dad?”
My dad smiled, his forehead wrinkling. “C’mon, it’s a Friday, my baby girl is graduating and I needed something to relax me after work.”
“Relax?” I smiled. Music that loud always set me on edge.
My dad coughed to hide a grin and proceeded to put the car in reverse. He backed out of the driveway slowly, taking extra caution as to not hit the basketball net set up by the side of the pavement; he had nicked the car with it before and wasn’t too happy about the large scratch it left on his car bumper. The tires made a familiar crunching sound as my dad reached the gravel of the road. Elmer Street was a very barren road. Unless they were lost, not many cars drove by on an average day. I took one last look at our house, a small green bungalow set on a few acres of grassy land. My mother was still standing on the sidewalk. She looked so fragile in her loose fitting overalls and red bandanna as she waved goodbye to us.
As we drove, my dad drummed on the leather steering wheel as he asked my brother how school was going. My brother was attending Yale and had loved it so much that he decided to stay for a summer semester. I wasn’t sure which he loved more, the classes, or the parties and beer. Something about the gut he was newly in possession of told me that it was probably the latter.
We soon reached the auditorium parking lot of my school and my dad was so excited that he forgot to unbuckle before he got out of the car, causing him to step one foot out the door before being yanked back in. I stifled a giggle as we started for the auditorium doors that many girls and boys in blue and green uniforms were already piling into. As we walked through the doors, we were immersed in the excited chatter of my peers and the blinding fluorescents and stark white paint of the lobby.
The doors to the auditorium itself were not opened yet and so everyone just formed into circles to chat. I looked around me, trying to take in every last detail of this building that I would never see again. The walls were plastered with posters of a since passed theatrical play. The carpet was an undistinguishable greenish blue color, the same as all of the school’s classrooms. I looked up at the ceiling, I would definitely not miss these unforgiving fluorescents.
A nearby mom with a green clad girl in tow approached us. She patted down her frazzled hair and flashed a grin. Her name was Mrs. Powell, she was the head of the PTA and made a point to know all of the students and their parents. It wasn‘t too difficult though, there were only 500 students at Peterson High, home of the blue hawks. Her daughter was Jennifer Powell, a small girl with wide, sad eyes and frizzy brown hair to match her mother’s.
Mrs. Powell had a shrill voice. Her long neck caused her to resemble a giraffe. “Dave Brooks, it’s great to see you. Your daughter, Lilly, oh Lilly.” She put a hand on my shoulder. “You must be proud.”
My dad wrapped his arm around my waist and tugged me close to him, giving the cap on my head a noogie. “Yeah, she’s a good kid.”
Despite the smile that escaped my lips, I grumbled as I fixed my cap back to the right position.
“So where is Ann?” Mrs. Powell craned her long neck around the room.
She was talking about my mother. I found it particularly funny because if there were anyone my mother were to show any disdain for, it would be Mrs. Powell. She felt that she was a nosey and bored housewife with nothing better to do than stir up some gossip. My father cleared his throat. “She wasn’t feeling very well.”
You could almost see the devious gears clicking in her brain. “Hmm, not well enough to come to her own daughter’s graduation? What a shame.”
My father frowned and I could see that he was trying to choose his words wisely, knowing full well that anything he said could be used against him or his family. “As much as it pains her to not be able to see Lilly’s graduation, we both thought that it would be best if she got some rest and we’ll have our own celebration at home. Plus, there’s always the graduation party in a few weeks.”
“Still, such a shame. I miss Ann, it’s been so long since I’ve seen her last. She hasn’t gone to any of the parent picnics that I’ve set up. Nor the mother’s night out bowling events.” She pursed her lips and examined her red press-on fingernails. “I was starting to think that maybe she was just ignoring me.”
My dad quickly spoke in his wife’s defense. “I’m sure that’s the last thing that she wants you to think. She told me just the other day of how much she wishes she could have gone to those events.” That was a fib if I ever saw one. “But, Cameron was able to come tonight.” He stepped to the side to reveal my brother, who was a few feet away from us, looking out the window. At the mention of his name, he slowly walked back to the group.
“Oh, there’s no way. That can’t be.… Cameron? It’s been so long.” Mrs. Powell’s voice shrieked higher. Her daughter, Jennifer, stared at Cameron as though he were a celebrity. Well, he practically was back in his day. Everyone always knew me as Cameron’s little sister. He was on the basketball team, was Prom King, and managed a 4.0 despite his tendency to party.
I finally had the upper hand today, Cameron never had the chance to give a speech the likes of mine. “You’ve raised some great kids, Dave. What with Lilly being Valedictorian and Cameron over in, what was it? Yale?” Mrs. Powell reached for a tissue in her purse to wipe her nose. “You know Cameron, my Jennifer here, she used to-”
“Mom!” Her daughter shrieked and flushed bright red before turning away from us.
“Darling, it’s fine. I’m sure he’ll feel flattered.” Mrs. Powell pat her daughter on the hand. “She used to talk about you all the time. She absolutely adored you. Was so sad when you graduated.”
Cameron chuckled. “I’m sorry, but, I don’t think I’ve ever met your daughter, Mrs. Powell.” He put his hand out, “Jennifer, is it?” At the mention of her name she slowly turned around and flushed an even brighter shade of crimson at the sight of his extended hand. She awkwardly grasped it and gave it a slight shake before turning to face the people entering the auditorium doors. As soon as she found a familiar face, she briskly walked over to her friend and whispered her embarrassment.
“Well, it was great seeing you. I should probably find a seat.” We watched her as she left in strangely tall high heels that caused her to waddle a bit as she walked.
“Thank you for not being a crazy parent.” I hugged my dad.
He chuckled. “No problem.”
As I sat in my chair, I couldn’t help but nervously tap my foot on the stage to the beat of the song that the school’s band and orchestra was playing. I knew that this day was coming, but I didn’t realize just how intimidating it would be. Here I was, sitting in between the principal and salutatorian and I felt like I was being watched by hundreds of pairs of eyes. Because, I probably was.
There’s always something so interesting about the school’s Valedictorian, it’s almost like the leading celebrity that represents a movie. And, here everyone was, staring at me to see what I’d do and say next. Maybe I was internalizing it too much, but I had heard so many people ask me questions about my future that I was just absolutely sick of it. It’s not like I was happy to tell them either. I wasn’t happy about my future, even if I said that I was. The smile that I put on when I told them what was on the agenda was as fake as could be.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t need to be thinking about that right now. Not a good idea. I needed to look at the now, not the future. Because, the future just stressed me out.
It felt like ages until our principal, Mr. Walker, had gotten up to say a few words. He was a short yet stout man with a snaggletooth and balding patches accentuated by tufts of white hair. Whenever he spoke he would frequently adjust his glasses on his bulbous nose. His honest and comical personality made up for his appearance though. As he began his speech, the auditorium was completely silent, his words were always just too good to miss. He cracked several jokes before he told the parents and other family members in a serious tone about how fantastic our class was. He then finished his speech by saying: “Now, I have seen this student grow from a small freshman into the beautiful young lady that she is now.” He looked over to me, his eyes glistening. “She is an extremely bright student with an insatiable desire for knowledge, and I am proud to have had her at our school. Ms. Lilly Brooks.”
I felt like crying at the uproar of applause. It really knocked the wind out of me. I wasn’t expecting such a powerful reaction. As I walked up to the stage, I felt like I was floating. It was all too much to take. I took in a deep breath and gripped the edge of the podium. Clearing my throat, I spoke about the trials and tribulations of our class. I spoke of how proud I was to be able to call my peers family. I spoke of the heart and joy I had seen in them over the years. I had practiced that speech so many times in front of my mirror that I had it memorized by heart. I didn’t look at my note cards once, I simply gazed at the audience in a foggy way. I could never truly look at things sharply when I gave speeches, and so out of nerves I would always stare at the air between myself and them to keep me from stressing out.
After I gave my speech, the Salutatorian took the podium, and my principal, Mr. Walker, pulled me aside.
Standing in the wings of the stage, hidden from the eye of the audience, Mr. Walker pat me on the shoulder. “Lilly, I am so proud of you. But, I’ve known all along that you would be here, in exactly the position that you are. I’ve seen you grow, and honestly, you are one of the most sincere and hard working girls I have seen step foot into this school. I want you to know that although you will be dearly missed, the entire staff wishes you the best. But, please, do me a favor.”
Holding back tears, I asked him what the favor was in my watery voice.
“I know that you’ll probably move far, far away from here as soon as you can. Off to do bigger and better things, but come back and visit every once in a while. You will be missed.”
I wiped away a small tear and hugged him. I realized that he didn’t know just how much I would be able to visit. I decided not to say anything.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
You have a few problems with grammer, specifically with capitalizing the first word inside of a qoutation.
It should be: I felt my dad pat me on the shoulder.#FF0000 ">[There should also be a period here because her father's actions and his speech are two seperate entities] "Ready, honey?"
You make this same mistake throughout, so I suggest proofreading your document or perhaps finding a friend to help beta-read.
My biggest issue with this story is the fact that there IS no story. While your writing itself is quite good, there's nothing in this chapter that is interesting. It's a regular high school graduation with no purpose. First of all, I have no sense of what this story is even about. Second of all, I have no sense of who the narrator is as a person. This whole chapter sort of left me with a sense of, so what? I personally do not believe in "slow" first chapters. You need to hook the reader right away, with either an exciting plot or exciting character.
Also, I think you should add more description. As a reader, I want to feel immersed in your universe. Plus, from what I remember of my own graduation, there was much more interaction with friends, cynical comments, etc. Another edition that would make this better is knowing how your characters feel. I have no idea at the moment how the narrator feels about her parents, her graduation, her future, etc.
And so we meet again! I'm glad you posted another thing up here. I'm always happy to review your work. I should let you know that I haven't reviewed in a while, so I am a little rusty...But let's get on with this.
My first impression: very nice. You hooked me with the characters, like you always do. You are excellent at expressing a character without having them talk, which is always a good quality. I am intrigued at what happens next, although I'll admit I have no idea what's going on -- I'll get to that later.
CHARACTERS:
Like I said, I always like your characters! They are my favorite aspect of your writing. They always vary and interact in different ways. Lilly strikes me as a very lovable tomboy who still has much to learn from life, and her brother is very interesting. The parents...are parents. I would like to see a little more variety in them later on if they continue to be a part of the story. A little quirk per parent to make them more original. Also, for such a doting mother, it's hard to believe that Lilly's mom would avoid her graduation just to avoid another teacher. I think that she would go no matter what the case -- she's her daughter. If she actually is sick, which I doubted while I was reading for some reason, make sure the reader knows this and it the sickness is not a fabrication. The scenes with her in them certainly make her seem perfectly fine. I like your secondary characters, and I can't wait to see more of them. Other than that, nothing to report.
PLOT:
Not much plot has been established yet. This is fine. You tend to do this with your first chapters, like you did with We Are All Birds. It wouldn't hurt to delve into the art of foreshadowing, however. First chapters are very important because you need to hook the reader immediately. You did so with the first few paragraphs, so good job with that, but don't be afraid to hint at a possible future for our beloved heroine. You need to give us a reason to stay with the story, so if you hint at a dramatic event in the future we will. It's easy to do because your characters are so very likable, and we want to make sure things happen to them.
This is where it is very important to have the plot of your story established in your mind. If you know what's going to happen, you can hint at the future and write the story so it revolves around the plot, not each individual scene, if that makes sense. If you don't have your plot figured out, figure it out now, before you get in to deep and you have to rewrite everything. You can't just go in with the concept, "Girl graduates, but goes through a lot of life experiences when she meets some interesting character". You must know what those experiences are. Of course, disregard this paragraph if you do have things planned out. This is just a smidgen of advice.
COMPOSITION:
Your composition, as usual, is very good. Your grammar is nice. This doesn't have the polish of the first chapter of your other novel, but it is still excellent. Again, you have some phrasing issues. I would put the sentences in quotes, but YWS is glitching so I cant. So I'm going to copy and paste.
Her eyes were twinkling with that sense of pride that I remembered seeing so many times in the past, but this time wrinkles framed her face, tears welled up causing her glossy turquoise eyes to look like marbles.
What a lovely description, yet marred with the sentence structure. It is a run on, and "time wrinkles" seem awkward here. Keep an eye on those really long sentences of yours, because it seems you lose track of where you are and the structure suffers for it. In addition, you should pay attention to how you capitalize your dialogue.
I felt my dad pat me on the shoulder, “ready, honey?”
I grinned and hugged him too. He mumbled “you look gorgeous,” into my ear.
Whenever a person begins a new line of dialogue, it should be capitalized. Think of it as a sentence within a sentence. You seem to only do this when the dialogue is at the end of a line, so it must be a misconception that if the dialogue isn't at the beginning, it shouldn't be capitalized. This is wrong. It should look like this.
I felt my dad pat me on the shoulder and say, "Ready, honey?"
Keep this in mind. This rule does not relate to continued strings of dialogue, such as
"Randy," Joe began, "mushrooms give me gas."
Since it is the same dialogue line, only interupted, the second part isn't capitalized. Anyway, I'm ranting so I'll stop here!
DESCRIPTION:
Kafka, my good friend, (Kafka just doesn't know it) stated that your description is sparing. This is true. Throughout the entire thing, I was doing my best to imagine what the setting was, but I couldn't. What did the car look like, what does Lilly look like, what does the school look like? You don't need paragraphs, but it is very important to convey the setting to the reader. It gives them something to hold on to.
OVERALL:
Very good, as usual! But could I expect anything else? You are a really good writer. I would say that you should pay attention to your character motivations, like you did with Lilly's mother. Make sure your characters stay consistent. Add more description. Describe the setting. Make sure that you know what the plot is from beginning to end, and let the readers know you do by hinting at possible outcomes of the plot. A little foreshadowing goes a long way.
I hope I helped! Thanks for asking for the review. I loved it.
Suggestions:
"I beamed and held her small frame tighter. My curly locks shrouding us both as we hugged." <I think you should make it one sentence with a (,) after "tighter"
"We soon reached the auditorium parking lot of my school and my dad was so excited that he forgot to unbuckle before he got out of the car, causing him to step one foot out the door before being yanked back in. I stifled a giggle as we started for the auditorium doors that many girls and boys in blue and green uniforms were already piling into.
In the auditorium lobby, a nearby mom with a green clad girl in tow approached us." <can you see the repetition of the word "auditorium" in this section? When you get to this last sentence here you could just say lobby and we would still understand.
"He stepped to the side to reveal my brother, whom was a few feet away from us, looking out the window." <It's who, not whom. A helpful thing to do is replace it with he/him if you don't know which to use. You wouldn't say "him was standing a few..." instead, "he was standing a few..." makes more sense right? Him=Whom, He=Who.
"He was on the basketball team, was Prom King, and managed a 4.0 despite his tendency to party." <take out the "was" in "was Prom King" and, personally, I would replace "and managed" with "he even managed"
"Well, it was great seeing you. I should probably find a seat." Mrs. Powell walked away.
We watched her as she left, she was in strangely tall high heels, they caused her to waddle a bit as she walked.
"Thank you for not being a crazy parent." I hugged my dad.
He chuckled. "No problem." <The way you separated this section was confusing. I would do it like this:
"Well, it was great seeing you. I should probably find a seat." We watched her as she left in strangely tall high heels that caused her to waddle a bit as she walked.
"Thank you for not being a crazy parent." I hugged my dad.
He chuckled. "No problem." <I also edited the description of her walking away.
Overall I think you have something here. I don't know what it is because nothing really happened. The only thing that I find intriguing is what is happening with her mother. I don't really feel much for the MC. Also, nothing happened. We met her family, they went to her graduation, a teacher said something nice. We got some subtle hints and a bit of a cliff hanger but I wasn't dying to read more. I thought the description of family interaction/dialogue was very good and believable. I guess I was just disappointed because you glazed over he speech, her big "defining" factor that sets her legacy apart from her brothers to give us a gushing comment from a teacher. I thought maybe she would see a boy or something dramatic would happen since you had all this build up to the speech then just kind of, oh she said the normal stuff...nothing creative.
I didn't dislike it. I was more indifferent I guess.
I'm always willing to re-read/read more so let me know if you edit/post more or have anything you want commented on.
-RL
Hello, onceuponatim3xo! I believe we've been acquainted.
This is a nice start to a story. Above all, it is your ability to create characters, to develop linguistic entities so deliciously rich with emotion and personality, that captivates me most. I am able to picture each one as if they were standing right beside me, talking and pouring themselves into me. There are some blips, of course, the likes of which I will discuss shortly, but I am impressed.
That said, I find you are a bit lacking in the area of description. I can perceive Lilly's dad's personality, but what does he look like? What does Cameron look like? The only two characters which I can visualize with some level of acuteness are Mr. Walker, Ann, and Mrs. Powell's daughter, Jennifer (about which you only give a brief statement describing her eyes). I can see their minds, and that's great, but I want to be able to see their faces as well.
Imagery is important. It is, more than anything else, what allows the reader to feel exactly what is going on in the story. Without it, all the happenings in a story are reduced to muffled bodies swimming around in emptiness, only disturbed from their dialog by an occasional interaction with an object that just happens to be there. Character description is essential, but without imagery, the story is missing a large chunk of its essence.
Let's explore this idea.
Gregory Solomon strode boastfully down the street. Jonathan was a proud, egocentric man, whose vast wealth, in junction with his ability to manipulate his peers, while maintaining a strict politeness, contributed to an inability to sympathize with who he considered to be "common people." And so on and so on.
And then we say something like:
He walked into a shop.
Where did the shop come from? Where is he? Is the sky blue, or gray? Is he surrounded by glossy porcelain dolls lined up in rows, staring forward solemnly, upon rotted shelves? Or does he notice an assembly of high-tech apparatuses, displayed attractively inside polished glass cases?
This is kind of how I feel as I read this chapter. I love the story and everything, but I feel at a loss when I attempt to picture, say, the car, or the room in which Ann is dressing Lilly, or even the graduation ceremony's appearance.
Finally, I would highly suggest proofreading this once or twice more. I encountered more than a few errors throughout, and though they are mostly only minor spelling or punctuation mistakes, I find blunders of this kind to be a bit distracting from the goings-on inside the story.
Alright! So, in conclusion, I adore the characters, but you definitely need to spiff up your setting description a bit if you want to truly catch readers' attention. It doesn't need to be much; just enough to allow me to at some level be able to see what it is the characters are seeing.
Hope this helped.
-Kafka