So, if you've read the prologue to Eyes of the Empire, you'll notice that I merged it in with chapter one.
I hope you like it! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I unsheathed my dagger, my hand shaking as it gripped the hilt. There was a lump in my throat that caused me to breathe heavily, but I tried to ignore it. I put my whetstone on a nearby table and set the dagger to it, stroking it back and forth to sharpen it. The steady scraping sound the blade created reverberated through my mind and I tried to block the sound out. It reminded me horribly of the task I would soon have to do. I mopped my forehead with the back of my hand and wiped the sweat on the side of my skirt.
I didn’t want to do it, but I knew that I must. A nagging voice in the back of my head lectured me for what I was planning to do, It won’t work. You’re being stupid, everything will be better tomorrow. But it wouldn’t be better tomorrow.
The Empire was in shambles and everyone blamed me. I had to do something. I just had to.
Don’t do it.
My conscience was making it hard for me, the last thing I needed. But no one else could do it for me - no one even knew what was going on. I examined my dagger one last time, touching its blade gently with my index finger. I gasped with pain as it nicked the soft skin and blood trickled down. It was sharp enough. I sheathed it and shoved it into my belt, desperately hoping for a miracle; one to save me from my destiny.
A tear fell down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away, scolding myself. It made me feel weak and I couldn’t be weak at a time like this.
There was one last thing I needed to see though. I needed to know how. How had this nightmare begun? I picked up the file and placed my trembling hand on top of it. My head jerked back causing my long curls to fall behind my shoulders. My eyes hazed over. I started to see the outline of a room, which soon grew sharper in detail. It was a cramped, off-white room that held a cheap plastic table, two chairs, a fluorescent light fixture which swayed slightly, and two men dressed in pea-green uniforms. I watched this scene as if it was projected onto the ceiling.
“No!” one of the guards groaned.
“Haha, yes.” The other guard slapped down his cards onto the table. “I win. You owe me, buddy. Looks like I'm coming home with a whole lotta credits tonight.”
“What?! But, you cheated that other round-” the first guard exclaimed, but was cut off.
“No I didn't,” the second guard said curtly.
The first guard was about to protest, but was interrupted yet again as a woman came through the door, a folder in her perfectly manicured hands. “Johnson, you’re serving dinner to the prisoners, here’s the list.” She handed the winning guard the folder.
Johnson’s exuberant face pulled into a frown at her words. “Ugh. Why can’t Gearson do it for once?” He pointed to the other guard.
The woman was indifferent. “Just do your job, Johnson.”
The noise from the light above grew louder than the usual buzz, then popped, sending sparks flying. “Stupid light,” Gearson muttered. The woman glanced up at it, then walked away.
Johnson looked down at the folder in his hands and sighed. “I hate doing the food rounds.” He turned to Gearson, “you’re coming with me.”
“No way,” Gearson said.
"What if I said that last round could just be a practice round and you wouldn't have really lost all those credits." He tempted. "We can do a real round when we come back."
Gearson huffed. “All right, fine.”
In the kitchen, Johnson scooped up piles of mush onto trays with a ladle. He coughed at the smells of the mystery substances and held his nose with his free hand.
Suddenly, he looked down at his chest, then at Gearson, and back down at his chest. "Did you steal my ID card?" He demanded.
Gearson, who was holding a tray out for Johnson, looked bewildered. "What are you talking about? I've never touched it in my life." His was pinned to his uniform.
"You're such a liar, I-"
"No, no, no, I've never touched it. I swear on my life I did not steal your ID card."
It was a bold thing to swear on your life and it was never taken lightly, so Johnson didn't say anymore, but stared into Gearson's face, probably hoping to find some hint of a lie. Finding none, he mumbled "all right, I believe you."
Johnson went back to his work and after scooping the mush for a while, he said quietly - almost as if he were talking to himself, “I really hate my job.”
Gearson looked shocked. “Why? It’s the best one around, we get to play cards all day and get paid. It’s not like the prisoners need much tending to.”
“It’s too boring. Where’s the thrill? Where’s the action?”
“Well…”
The tension between them decreased after their conversation, it had almost acted as a peace offering from Johnson.
I remembered Johnson, I’d met him on what was probably the worst day of my life. I never realized that he was a guard previously, he must’ve quit his job after all.
After finishing the trays and placing them on a cart, they walked down the several hallways of the facility, serving food to the prison’s occupants. The delusional prisoners would cry out that they were framed. While the ones that knew they should be there would lounge on their cots and take no notice to the guards bringing their food.
After serving most of the trays, Gearson asked “So, who’s next on the list?”
Johnson glanced down at his open folder and replied through gritted teeth “Macnaire.” I flinched at the name but watched to see the rest.
“Oh,” Gearson’s tone dropped and he seemed to be pushing the cart more slowly.
"Let’s just get it over with.” Johnson said as he clenched his hands into fists.
Gearson grunted in agreement. They turned a corner and walked through a long hallway with many doors.
As they came to the cell, both of their jaws dropped. To the left of the door was a gaping hole in the wall. And it seemed that no one occupied the room anymore.
“He’s escaped!”
“Not again.”
They cursed and dashed off, leaving the cart behind them.
The alarm went off and the barks of dogs echoed through the hallways.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, hiding in a nearby corridor, Tanner Macnaire snickered. He searched the tangles of his long blond hair and smiled as his grubby fingers closed around something kept hidden and secure in his filthy locks. He grabbed it out and grinned. It was the guard’s ID card from earlier.
He went over to the cart the guards had left and grabbed a tray of food. He tipped the tray upside down to let the food fall to the floor, but it didn’t seem to want to obey gravity, so he shook it a few times until it hit the cold, cement floor and formed into a big blob. Then he stuffed the tray under his arm and searched the bare walls until he found what he was looking for.
He carefully observed the fire escape map that was tacked to the wall. Then, he ran through the halls - holding tightly to the ID card and tray as he yanked open a door and then raced up a flight of stairs. He tore through yet another hallway and finally wound up at his destination. He held up the card to a sensor near a large metal door. It beeped to show the door had unlocked and he threw the card to the side. The room that he now entered was full of buttons, whirring machines, and blinking lights. He ignored the "CAUTION: risk of electric shock" signs and quickly pushed all of the buttons and the lights and machines stopped. He grinned and pulled open the door, glanced at the fire escape map again and started running.
Once he got to the exit door, he took in a deep breath. He stuffed the food tray into his shirt and pulled his waistband over it. Then he burst through the exit doors and, for the second time in two years, he was outside.
It was a cool evening and his breath puffed ahead of him in small, visible clouds. The sun was just starting to set on the horizon. The dogs were a distance away from him, their noses in the grass looking for his scent. The last time Tanner had tried to escape, he was caught by the dogs and they left a scar on his side from their claws. He clutched the area just above his hip as he glanced back at the dogs. Later on he would use his scar story for pity from girls, including me.
The dogs finally spotted him and bolted toward him, howling and barking. He darted to the electric fences nearby that blocked him off from civilization. He quickly snatched a twig from the ground and threw it at the first fence. There were three, two behind the first for maximum security. When it fell back down, he peered at it to see the results. No scorch marks. He had succeeded in turning off the power.
He scrambled up the fence, looking over his shoulder a few times to see where the dogs were. They were closing in on him, but he was almost near the top, so when they jumped up to get him he was too high. The fence rattled from their weight and their jaws snapped at him as they growled viciously. One actually got his pantleg and he thrashed his leg around trying to free himself. He kicked it in the nose and it whimpered, shying away. Meanwhile, the guards were quite a length away from them - even though they were running.
Now, he had to get over the barbed wire at the top without hurting himself. He grabbed the food tray from his shirt and situated it on top of the barbed wire. He slid over its protectant surface and somehow got onto the other side of the fence with minor scratches. He climbed back down the fence and when he was close enough he jumped to the ground.
He turned and laughed edgily at the dogs who were now the ones trapped. But when he noticed that the guards were coming closer, he stuffed the tray back in his shirt and started to climb, repeating the process for the next two fences.
Once past the fences, he ran into the neighboring woods and sprinted on and on until he was far enough away from Cardamson, then finally he stopped and sat by a fallen tree.
He waited for his breathing to become less shallow and again, he laughed. His laughter increased by the minute until he was hysterical, a smile was plastered to his face.
He was free.
*~*~*~*
I gasped for air when I was sent back to reality and breathed heavily while my eyesight started to focus. It felt like I'd held my breath for the entire time and my lungs were searing with the pain from a lack of oxygen.
My sight was extremely fuzzy, but I could just make out the shapes around me - a table, several bookcases, a fireplace, and a door to the left of me. I was back.
The side-effects of my visions were always difficult to handle. A lot of times I’d forget to breathe during the vision or I’d scream throughout it. Also, after every vision, my eyes would sting unbearably and I wouldn’t regain my sight until a short while after. Occasionally, I felt like this Gift was more of a nuisance than a blessing because every time, my eyes would burn with pain. But, usually I felt like it was a blessing, it had helped me many a time before and I was grateful for that.
The pain was starting to go down and it let me focus on what really mattered. Tanner. I’d always wondered how he’d escaped and come to ruin my life. I brushed my hand against my dagger reassuringly.
***
It hadn’t always been like this. There was a time that was simpler and not as horrible. It felt like so long ago, even though only a year had passed since then. It was one life-changing year.
I didn’t have my visions back then, the Empire was going strong, and I was still naïve to the world’s cruelties. Nothing could wrong back then, but then, it did.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Excellent work with chapter one
! It really keeps you waiting for more and the conscience speaking in the beginning is very David Eddings style, which of course is a good thing. And who told me to tell more of his character 
Nah, just kidding.
I think the sentence sounds weird. "Go down"?Never heard of such a phrase. Try to change it to something else like "The pain was starting to ease" or something of the like.
I will come back for more, unless the mountain of books I received for Christmas block my way. All hail us, the writers who write from an I point of view
Your reader and fellow writer, Amniel
The promised critique:
A Few Nit-Picks, But Not Many As I Skimmed
Semi-colon or colon instead.
Semi-colon instead.
Combine those two sentences.
Shouldn't a name with 'Mac' have two capitals? Like MacNaire?
If this is the present, make a new line.
Overall Comments
If you don't want to be offended, please don't read the followed critique. I think I'm going to be harsh…
In all honesty?
I hated it.
I can see where you combined the prologue – it's super easy to spot – and I think you should undo that. It ruined this story.
I actually really enjoyed the beginning, all the way up to 'I couldn't be weak at a time like this.' After that, it was soooo obvious that you mixed the prologue in, and poorly.
You can't just stick it in and add two comments. It doesn't work that way.
Please, please, PLEASE change it back. The flashback should be (well, here is should ALL be italicized, or spaced differently) the prologue. And it's wordy and unneeded – don't show us everything.
In all? This chapter bored me and I skimmed. It wasn't a first chapter.
If you can fix it up and make a REAL first chapter, I'll be happy to read future chapters.
And the vision thing needs to be more interesting. Breath life into it – make me feel like I'm there. I shouldn't skim it, no matter how obvious it is that you just stuck it in.
Again, I'm sorry I was so harsh, but you literally stuck in the text and put in a few reactions to it.
Keep going with the beginning – it was good, and kept me interested. But then you ruined it with the vision.
Prologues are usually useless, and I can't judge it at this point. (If you rework it and have me continue reading the series, I can help you out with it once I actually know what's going to happen. The only 'real story' I've read so far was the bit before the vision.) But you can just trash it if it's not needed – don't merge something like this – it doesn't work.
PM me for anything at all.
~JFW1415
Thank you so much
I have chapter two ready if anyone would like to read it.
*blink* *blink* this...was...AWSOME!!! this is soo good!! no not good AWSOME!!! the way you merged the prolouge and the first chapter together was great. the only thing i have to say is this:
make this a seperate pagraph, it was had to see what was present and what was past when it's together with the paragraph like that. other than that, it's awasome!! keep on writing!!
Very cool story. I liked your opening sequence, the character clearly shows conflict with what he's doing and clearly has a past he'd like to forget. The visions thing was a nice plot point.
The guard's felt a little wooden and unrealistic, I don't know. I play cards every once in a while and the reactions of the players after a big hand has never been like what you described. And I feel like they're kind of babies, if this Empire is to be something I'm supposed to be afraid or in awe of the guards aren't doing a real hot job of convincing mean.
I really loved the jailbreak scene, and the description of his escape. I could picture all the parts of it happening in my head, very fun part of the story. Also good writing upon his exit of the vision, I could really grip the physical effects that were hitting him.
Solid flashback setup at the end of the chapter, makes me want to read more. I liked it! Nice job!
The title got my attention, it's great. I had to say it a few times because it sounds so cool, "The Eyes of the Empire, The EYES of the Empire!" Lol, it was good. Listen to the comments these guys make. They will help you become legend, looking at this story I think you have already taken a step to be one. Good job with creating the characters, they seem interesting!
It was exciting, I liked it a lot. Please update again soon!
Scorpia
Very good! It's exciting and keeps the reader reading the whole way through. You had a way of creating imagery without making it too descriptive.
I also liked the way the names didn't sound too fantasy-ish (You know like names from "The Lord of The Rings" are) you found a balance between normal names and outlandish names to make it seem believable.
It hadn’t always been like this. There was a time that was simpler and not as horrible. It felt like so long ago, even though only a year had passed since then. It was one life-changing year.
"It hadn’t always been like this. There was a time that was simpler and not as horrible. It felt like so long ago, even though only a year had passed since then. It was one life-changing year.
I didn’t have my visions back then, the Empire was going strong, and I was still naïve to the world’s cruelties. Nothing could wrong back then, but then, it did."
A great way to end the chapter. It sure makes ME want to keep reading! lol
Hey onceuponatim3! Since you've been critting my The Duty stuff which I really appreciate, I decided to give this another look. Let's see how your edits went
Loved it! Wow! Big thumbs up! This was such an improvement, it's mind boggling! I absolutley frickin loved it! Anyway, enough of my fangirl fest! Here are just a few minor suggestions:
Then and Now: Wow, I absolutley hate the word then. You use it a lot in your third part of the piece where you have tanner escape. Then is an accessory word, you don't really need it. It gets a bit annoying to read, so I suggest you find all the thens in your piece and just cut them out.
On and On and On: Watch out for runons. You had a lot of them during the tanner piece. I know you might want it to seem as though he's on the run and in a rush and a hurry, but some of the sentences were too lengthy to understand at times. I tried to cut a few of them up.
Other than that, well done! Are you going to be continuing this? I would love to read more! If you could PM me when you put more up, that would be awesome. If you're not thinking of continuing it, I totally recommend that you rethink that! Amazing job! Best revision by far that I have ever seen. !!!!!!
(continued)
Okay, I’m not sure why Gearson was disappointed but it only confused me and doesn’t seem essential, so nix. Capitalize “so”.
This may be a style thing, but I think it comes out better as: “replied through gritted teeth”.
Similar problem to “her face showed indifference.” How do these guys’ faces show shock? Mouth dropping open? Eyes widening? I realize I’m the one repeating myself now, but really, truly, show don’t tell.
Don’t need both “siren” and “alarm,” nix one.
Avoid passive voice. If you’re unsure what passive voice is (I have absolutely no faith in the English education of this country outside of homeschooling) PM me and I’d be happy to give you a little mini-lesson (and don’t feel bad if you don’t know, my mom probably doesn’t know).
Sorry, I have to stop and have a little freak-out here: one of my main character’s names is Tannar. *giggles incessantly*
Nix a “his.”
*snicker* Nice touch.
Awkward wording. “and wound up at”, “to arrive at”, “ and finally came to”, ect would work better methinks.
Time to chop up another long sentence!
Okay, that seems waaaayyyyy too simple/unlikely.
Redundancy alert.
It’s generally “on” the horizon.
R-alert.
What does their sinister quality have to do with the fact that they’re far away from him? (i.e. chop-chop the run-on sentence) And why is he thinking about how sinister they are when they’re out of sight? (i.e. nix-nix everything after “from him.”)
I know you hate me for saying this again: show don’t tell. Have him finger the scar, stroke it, feel it twinge (depending on where it is) as he hears the mad barking of those demonic dogs who gave it to him (not necessarily in those words, mind you).
1) Very sudden interruption of a tense moment—never do that unless you’re trying to add more tension. 2) Unnecessary information at the moment—we don’t need to know more than the pity-story bit, which I’ll admit is a nice touch and a tasty bit of foreshadowing. 3) Awkward wording.
“bounded” indicates a cheerful, happy dog who would, for example, lick your face rather than chew it off. I say all this to say: change the verb.
R-alert.
Even faster than what? Just nix it.
Rule of thumb: if you have to put it in parentheses, it’s unnecessary information, as is the case here.
Nix.
Let us seee! Does the fence rattle as they throw their weight against it, does their slobber spatter his feet, does one of them almost get him?
R-alert.
R-alert, change one of them.
Again, unnecessary information that breaks a tense moment.
How? Pleasedon’tshootme: show!
Nix.
Kill the comma!
Nix what’s in red, add “fences” at the end of the sentence.
Cliché, as well as the whole litany I’ve already given you.
Nix.
A rather unsatisfactory ending—if you’re going to, in the next chapter, take us to a different time period, why did you start where you did? And even if you want to keep your flash-forward beginning, this bit belongs in the next chapter, prefacing it.
Overall
Really, darling, a vast improvement, especially on the stuff I mentioned to you last time. But I would have like to see a bit more initiative in applying what I said last time to the rest of the chapter—I still found a lot of telling and long sentences and redundancy. If you work on the things I mentioned, especially those three, and apply them to your next chapters, then I would be delighted to continue reading. If not, I’m very happy to have helped, but this takes an awful lot of time and effort. Either way, though, keep writing!
Okay, here we go! (I really did do the whole thing this time, but as it's so huge, I'm separating it into different posts).
Here's a sort of key in case my late-night lingo confuses you:
R-alert: Redundancy-alert, usually just means nixing what’s in red.
Chop-chop: Your sentence is too long, chop it up.
And if you have any questions about what anything I've said means, please do PM me!
Great job on the physical signs, but you don’t need too many—remember, showing covers a lot more than telling, and usually takes less space to do.
Remember: in general, less is more. All the information your reader needs is “There was a lump in my throat that I tried to ignore.” If you want to mention the inhaling and exhaling, don’t tell us that you’re inhaling and exhaling (long, unnecessary words when you have a single one—“breathing”—that works even better), show us! Does the sound of your ragged breathing grate against your ears? Does it make your chest rise and fall more quickly? Think visually, audibly, even think of smells (maybe not in this example
Very good—I didn’t even have to prompt you! Just a few things—we know a whetstone is used for sharpening, and the second sentence is too long. Like I said before, shorter sentences are a good idea for tense moments, it’s like the quick rhythm of a lively dance rather than the slow, measured pacing of a waltz. Your sentence length will often set the tempo for your story. If you really want to tell us that the sound of the knife being sharpened reminds you of the task you will soon have to do (and I don’t really think you need to), then give it it’s own sentence: “The sound only reminded me…”
Yay, a positive gender identification!
A real improvement, darling, but you repeat yourself again in the last sentence: “But it wouldn’t be better tomorow” (note the removal of that annoying comma), “It never got any better”, “It only ever got worse.” You only need one and I’d go for the first one as it delivers more punch.
I think you’re addicted to putting commas after “but”s.
A very minor technicality—did you shove the dagger or the dagger’s sheath into your belt?
Yay! Not only did you remedy your earlier problem, you gave us a bit of nice character development here—well done!
You still don’t need that second “how,” it breaks the rhythm, and this sentence isn’t actually a question, so no question mark. (Now, if you want to make it a sentence and ergo use the question mark, all you have to do is split it: “I needed to know. How had this nightmare begun?”)
Much better, but the word “suddenly” indicates that you weren’t expecting your head to jerk back—if you were expecting it, nix the word, if you weren’t, then please give us a little better idea of what’s going on or what you’re doing. Actually, giving us a better idea would be good either way, even a tiny hint would add spice to our curiosity.
Should be “outline.”
Repeating yourself again: “soon” makes “matter of seconds” unnecessary, and “sharper” makes “in detail” unnecessary, you see? Nix the red, and do PM me if you don’t understand why, it can be confusing.
Um, why is this in italics?
And what did you do about it, you soppy little whiner?
I really am going to stop complimenting how much better this is (it must get boring, yes?
I have a mental image of the face waving a sign that says “indifference.”
Do you mean the noise from the light above?
Again, redundancy (which is just a fancy word for repeating yourself)—by walking away she is dismissing it, all we need to know is that she walked away and from that we understand that she’s dismissing it. This is an example where you both showed and told when you didn’t have to, ergo an example that you can show very effectively (just don’t bog it down in the telling).
Put a period after “rounds” and capitalize “he”—it is a separate sentence. Redundancy alert—if Gearson is coming with him, then of course he’s not going alone, nix the last bit.
Hehe, opposite problem here—comma after “credits” and un-capitalize “He”—the “he tempted” is a part of that sentence.
Who huffed? I assume Gearson, but this wouldn’t be a bad time to remind your readers what his name is.
Okay, logistics problem. I’m assuming we’re serving more than one prisoner? Which means more than one try? Which means how is Johnson carrying them all?
It’s actually “who” here. I know, shocking, but true.
Too much information: we know that ID’s usually have people’s name and picture on them, and do we really need to know that it’s orange?
Then why does he use it for something as relatively minor as this? His tone of voice while he was swearing on the Emperor’s life did not indicate it was such a big deal.
Who went back to his work? It’s a tricky thing, working with pronouns, and trying to find the right balance between them and the characters’ actual name—this is a place for a name.
Eh…
Okay, the bold really bugs me—you do italics like this (without the spaces inbetween, I’m just adding it so you can see): [ i ] blahblahblah [ / i ] = blahblahblah .
Ahah, a cart! What confused me earlier was the mention of his free hand, you see?
“the ones who knew”—when referring to people, it’s “who,” not “that.”
A very long, run-on sentence—try chopping it up on your own and see what you like best, I’ll let you know what I think, okay?
How many? We don’t need a specific number, but something like “more/less than half” would be nice.
Wonderful, a bit confusing at first, but it made sence at the end. Wonderful writing! (Hurry up and post chap 2!!)
Looking foreward to it.
The only thing that bothered me was that some of the statements that the guy having the visions said didn't exactly make any sence. But im guessing that some of it was foreshadowing.
All-in-all- I loved it, it was confusing at first, but it made sence at the end.
Looking foreward to Chapter 2!
Okay, here we go:
Typo—“unsheathed”
This may just be personal taste, but I think the second sentence might have more punch if you used the same words as the first sentence: “I had to do something. I had to.” Or sumsuch.
Typo—“conscience.” Okay, that’s the last misspelling I’m catching for you, I am not a spell check. (unless this is a Brit/American thing, which I doubt)
You’re trying to create tension, yes? Shorter sentences are usually better for that. Also, please don’t use “heck.” If you must have a word there, use it to convince us that your character is really straining about this decision and make it an actual cuss word, otherwise just nix it. Also nix what’s in red—it’s very confusing.
Okay, may I just say that I’m really not feeling the turmoil here at all. You’ve given us nothing about your character’s surroundings (which would be helpful but not absolutely essential) and you’ve given us nothing about what your character’s own body is doing (trust me on this). I was once trying to write a claustrophobia attack, and my readers kept telling me they didn’t feel my character’s terror. So I went back, erased all her internal dialogue (of which you have quite a lot) and focused on the shortness of breath, the sweat, the way her body was shaking. Showing, not telling. If your character is going through this much stress and anxiety, it would show in his body language, and if it doesn’t show—if he’s somehow been so strictly trained that not a hint of what he’s feeling inside gets out—then that’s noteworthy too. Even just changing your first line to “I unsheathed the dagger, my hand shaking as it gripped the hilt.” would tell us volumes about what your character’s feeling without having to go into such “telling” kind of detail.
Okay, a great deal of this paragraph is unnecessary—you’re just telling us the same thing over and over again. In fact, pretty much all you need is that first sentence, your readers can figure out that, if his conscience is making this hard for him, then he doesn’t actually want to do this.
Yay! Physical signs of struggle!
Repeating yourself again, here.
Practically no one describes themselves as “frail.” “Emaciated,” “thin,” “shaking,” yes, but (especially if your character is male) never “frail.”
One of the perils of using first-person, darling—no one uses that many adjectives to describe their own hair, especially not in a moment of crisis. Also, how else would hair hang, if not limply?
Nix, unnecessary.
The “only” kind of breaks down after the second chair (i.e. there’s too much in the room for it to hold “only” anything)—just nix it.
Do you mean he watched it as if it was projected onto the ceiling? You might want to change the wording if this is the case, tis a bit awkward and confusing.
Please, I beg of you, do not use the words “pea-green” more than absolutely necessary (and you’ve already told us that’s the color of the uniform and that the guards are wearing that uniform—repetition unnecessary). Also, and this may be personal taste, but multiple exclamation marks seem…well, unnecessary here. Luke screaming “NO!” to Darth Vader warrants multiple exclamation marks. Losing a card game does not.
Nix.
Okay, their dialogue just sounds…ingenuine. I’ve never met people who talk this way. “I win—cough up those five-thousand you owe me!” is more the cry of a successful card-player. And something more along the lines of a sulky “Buzz off, I don’t have that kind of money” (or your cultural equivalent of “buzz off”) is more in line with someone who’s just lost two-months’ pay. That, or punching the successful player.
Woah, there, hold up—what’s with the bold? I understand that it’s your character commenting on the scene, but there is no reason for it to be in bold, it just throws the reader off. Also, why is he commenting on something as mundane/obvious as the fact that there’s still money? No Empire could exist without money!
Again, could we please try to make them sound a little more…real? And give them some character, even if they won’t be around long—maybe the winner’s a real arrogant s.o.b. and he keeps rubbing the loser’s face in it, maybe the loser’s a whiner or a card-addict, you see?
Nix.
Wait, who’s the second guard? Winner or loser?
I’d assume winner, then.
That’s so very baby-ish of him. If all this Empire’s guards whine their heads off just because they have to feed some prisoners, then this Empire deserves to fall.
Yes, I realize my critique doesn't cover your entire story, but when I find myself using four pages to critique one, I think it's a good idea to use multiple posts.
No problem. Any time
awesome, thanks! I'll try to clear that up
Are you kidding??? Your asking me if I liked it???
I loved it!!!
It seems all so real! It really sucks you in.
One thing was kinda confusing though.
I thought Johnson was the first guard that lost all the money. *confused*
*applauding*
Good job. Thats the only thing I found was wrong. Well acctually...when you cut from the vision you should make it a little bit more clear. Like maybe 3 stars,
* * *
or something of the sort.
keep on writting!!!!!
love
-Tia-