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16+ Language Mature Content

greek girls and my willingness

by omedgy


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

And I was bore up in the hole. The greek girl next to me had a small lace bralette wet and clear and steady and black. And i was there. and I remember it. It was a hole of water on the green of the creek. I shivered and bit at my teeth like buzzing and the sunwrinkled leaves peeled green and illuminated like the sun and bright. The divingboard indiscriminate from my teeth clattering. Whos was there on the phone i said? No one, she said. I tried not put my head under because i remember what that show taught me about the animals. Shit, i thought, theres a girl back for me and i’m here in this hole. Swimming. I was sad but not long because the bralette shone black again and her hair got all wet and slick on the ends. Fuck, i thought. I have a girl back home and i’m here in this hole. Sploshing. And the glasses on her face yellow and pink indigo swirling and dipping in the crystalline. Clouds sitting indian like animals in the sky, the cold wind velvet on my hands. I was profane and honest in my head but of course i could never speak that way, about anything, about anything at all. It tends to be like guilt or like innocence like fireworks reflecting in the little glass on her face. The numb and muted chandeliers swinging and dancing and moving without me? I haven’t the faintest clue as to whether i will be grace or dirt. Hinges upon like sex, the taste of the sweetest untouched fruit of the tongue and her’s, glinting ready. But its never always that, in which i think of quite often to be honest, but she’s easy to loveable and i cant not love her, i see it like the sun sits on the porch or on the shelf rather. But i also think its never me and it cant be. Who said that? Sure as hell not me. If there were one thing i wish so heavenly to be true, itd be that swimming hole to be the time and the other girl to be the hands on the clock swinging gently within glass while i parade like wind in her. The spoons in her right hand begging like sweet glass on the steeple downtown having the time worn down slowly without me but i hope to be there rushing into her the summer after next and we’ve both failed at university but now we’ve came around to liking each other’s face again. Fuck i can see her dark face all in on with mine and it ceases to be in that queen room up drawn to the top of me, the brain burns and singes and calls angry and the dusk kinetics float glide like breath, oh that is mine, that her’s, it’s here! It is here! wait , its gone and here today, but i regained then forget once more. Brooding the tongue pressed deeply sweet skin like magnolia petals so rough jagged and awe in cotton wrapped up placed so goddess in my arms broken the hips like small fast continuum of strength. SWITCH. Pulled and hampered rain golden tears broken blue to sweet skin, you are you and why can i never see that as a beauty. The swishing of that goddamn hair and the sing and the color not like the downtown in your life more like upstate because me and i can barely stand to you and pray in the fear i have so lovingly agreed to serve and the guilt hanging my neck unlike the 20s, o Emmit i miss you, the flash crack whips of your golden and hairy body sickest whip of cocaine fever lightening like skin of my bones and yours as well too its only a matter of small time and were growing and the other falling like a ditch that is to say we all fail and reover and do again for the sake of attempts and innumerable ones at that. You forsake me, please rejoice in the gold. Never like the return to the sender. And careful attempts of peace and all the warning passive signs of malaise wading in her, which, the sweet vegas chips screaming in the shoe box had warned me half a year for. Sang in the angel’s delicate chest, words valor and aqua vitae scrawled into black hair i weep and the tears mimic the sea crawl.


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212 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:58 pm
ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hi there, omedgy! Scarlett here to review your work today!

Okay, wow. That is a huge chunk of text! I'm really struggling to look at this without going cross-eyed. My biggest piece of advice on this is to separate it into smaller paragraphs. This doesn't make people want to read it as it is now. It's rather intimidating! Even I'm a little intimidated by this!

I'm going to try and tackle this, so bear with me. It might take a while.

This feels very stream of thought-ish to me. I like that concept, though. Fair warning; I'm only scanning this so I'm likely to miss things and ask stupid questions. Feel free to let me know if I do miss anything! Especially if it's important. ^^

I'm seeing a few grammatical and spelling errors. Nothing major; just places where you've forgotten to capitalise something. I'm sure you'll find those when you go back over this! If you can't, I'm happy to point them out!

I strongly suggest trying to separate this out into smaller paragraphs. It'll make it so much easier for not only the reader but also yourself to read. It would also make it far less intimidating. Usually, I just don't bother with reviewing a work when it's like this, but your title intrigued me, so I gave it a chance. Unfortunately, much as I'd love to read it properly, I honestly couldn't focus on it enough to do it justice. As it stands, this review sucks. XD I've been looking it over, trying to get the gist of it, and I think I get it. I just can't give you a decent review right now, and I apologise for that.

I hope I helped somehow. Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.




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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:11 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!

I'm going to lightly touch on what Ellstar said before and yeah, it's very hard to read with it being only one paragraph. Paragraphs contain sentences that have the same general topic, so if you chop it up, you should go from there.

And I was bore up in the hole.


This is a very odd way to start your story. If you're using "And" there should be a sentence before it that relates to it, if you really insist on using it as the starting word of a sentence.

The greek girl next to me had a small lace bralette wet and clear and steady and black.


Shouldn't Greek be capitalized?

To be honest, most of this doesn't make sense to me. Your lines are confusing and don't form a narrative, making it very difficult to review this work. For dialogue or speaking you should use quotation marks or these: like this ---> "Mom, why aren't you giving me a cat?"

The description in this is probably the highlight as the actual narrative is quite confusing. I don't quite know if you were going for "this looks like someone was high while they wrote this" type of feel, but that's what I got out of this piece. After reading it over a few times, I start to see a little of of coherent narrative.

There wasn't really any character in this piece as there was no time used to develop the characters or for the readers to get to know them in any means. This feels very rushed. Slow it down. Develop the setting and characters. Take your time with it.

That's all I have to say for this piece, have a great day!




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Sun Jun 26, 2016 11:20 am
Sujana wrote a review...



This is very difficult to review because, unlike other works, it seems to refuse to be reviewed. It's the artist's beast, and to put some sort of order into it would probably lessen the dramatic feeling of the whole work. But I'll try to put in some input that doesn't miss out on the meaning of the thing.

Let's talk about the fact that this is an entire paragraph. I think the aim of this was to make the work extremely confusing to read, and therefore highlighting the confusion the protagonist himself/herself is feeling throughout the ordeal, which is a great use of a "mistake" that I just love to point out in all other works. It reminds me, as Royal has already pointed out, of E. E Cummings (is that how you're supposed to spell his name or are we supposed to leave it in lower case? In any case, I apologize), but the comparison to Fitzgerald is still debatable. This work has more in common with poetry than prose, really but I won't make a big deal out of that.

Personally, I think you could've given the work a bit more structure, if you really did want to make prose instead of poetry. As it is the work is incredibly inaccessible and any random reader would read this and say "what" in the flattest fashion possible. You could at the very least describe the girl in a little bit more detail, and while she does sound very godly when you don't, I picture her like I picture a Picasso on the wall. All the shapes and colors and contours mashed together, in a very meaningful and messy way. Beautiful, though it could be carved a little better.

In any case, great work you have here. Keep up the good work.

Signing out,

--EM.




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Sun May 29, 2016 2:30 pm
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



Royal here for a review! Welcome to YWS!

Content

Spoiler! :
So this was interesting but confusing. There are two people. In a hole. One is female, and the other is genderless, as far as I can tell. There's a lot of sexual tension. I can't tell why they're in a hole or whether they're trying to get out, or what their relationship is. I don't know whether it's just that I can't tell, or whether it's just not clear through the writing of the piece itself. I think this concept is vague, but would work better as a spoken word piece than prose. I think with edits, you'd need to work on nailing down specifics. You have an incredible talent for talking about very specific details in the abstract, but now we have to see those details in the concrete. This piece actually reminds me of F. Scott Fitzgerald's writing, because he does that; he mixes the abstract details with the concrete to create this flowing surrealism rooted in the ordinary. And that's what you have the opportunity to do here, but only if you allow the concrete images to shine forth. Maybe let your character interact with whatever is going on in this hole. Have them talk some more, maybe introduce a conflict if that's what you want, or point out the metaphor of being trapped in a hole, if that's what you want. I just need something to happen here. Nothing is happening, nothing is really being talked about except in very very abstract terms. So my final advice on content to you is to find details that you can talk about in both a concrete sense and an abstract sense, instead of just the abstract. And I'm rambling. I apologize. I'm not sure if any of that made sense.


Nitpicks
Spoiler! :
So, I'm in love with your use of the run-ons. Very Cormac McCarthy. Very flowing, and beautiful. The only thing is that you've dropped the capitalization of "I" in some places. Now this could be considered an artistic choice, but to me right now, it just looks like a bunch of mistakes. I'd go back through and find those capitalization errors and fix them; that'll spruce this up a bit.
And while I do love the run-ons, in re-reading this piece, it seems a little overbearing toward the end. You should read Cormac McCarthy if you haven't yet; he mixes these long, pages-long scenes of eloquent, running-on prose with very very short, unpunctuated dialogue, just like you did, but he also mixes in shorter, stumpier sentences to balance it out. Otherwise, the reader gets bored/tired/confused. So see what sentences you can bear to break up and see how you like the impact the shorter sentences make in the midst of the longer piece. If you don't like it, of course, this is your baby and your art, and you should do with it what you like! But I think it'd be good to think about those decisions, y'know?
Also. Lots of apostrophes missing where they need to be. Now, e e cummings would say fuck apostrophes, and he can say that because he's famous and can do what he likes (except he can't do any of that anymore, being dead and all) but we are not e e cummings (at least not yet) so before we can go about breaking rules about apostrophes and basic punctuation, I think we should start by following the rules. If you want. Again, your art, your decisions. But I think this piece, with its flowing abstractions and vague but interesting prose, would really benefit from sticking to some semblance of grammatical rules. Anyway. That's my spiel.


Overall, really interesting, beautiful work. Needs some edits, but I think this has a lot of awesoem potential. Let me know when you update, if you want a review!





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