Every Angel Has To Fall Chapter 1 Pt 3

Wow,
I noticed you critiqued my work so it is only fair I do the same. However, there isn't much else that can be said here, I think it has all been covered. In anycase just know I think this is a fantastic piece and I look foward to reading your other work.

OH MY GODDNESS!!!

I really like this story so far, and usually I'm not the kind of girl who goes for that kind of thing. I really like the way you aren't making it seem nice or socially acceptable or anything, even though I think that consent is consent. I know a girl who just turned fifteen and is knocked up by her nineteen year old boyfriend. Great.

I just have one thing. I think that the parents are the ones who can press the charges, whether the girl wants to or not. At least, that's how it is where I live.

BUT KEEP WORKING ON IT

Hola Olivia. ^^

I’m glad you Pm’d me about this; otherwise I’d not have seen it and all. You’ve had some good critiques before me (Whatever do you even need me for? ) so I think I’m going to be brief. In any case, this is a read-through crit. I’ll comment as I go.

olivia1987uk wrote:Jamie

The packet of frozen peas stung his face, despite the tea towel separating it from his purpling skin. Seriously, that always happens to me. He could hardly blame his father for reacting that way. This feels kind of awkward I think you could make it shorter, just that out “that way” and have “for that/his reaction”? That’s just personal suggestions, it’s okay how it is, if you like. Now he had nowhere to live. He so desperately wanted to call Summer but his mobile phone was shattered into a million pieces. Here we have a problem of sorts, if this is a omniscient narrator, the “into a million pieces” gets to me. It’s too much of a hyperbole for me to ignore, you know? And reading it didn’t flow nicely, I was left going “well, of course it wasn’t that much.” If Jamie’s thinking it, then that changes, but your indication is that it’s an omniscient narrator. It didn’t survive his father launching it at the wall when he found out. I don’t think you need “when he found out.” Let us guess for a while at what happened, ne? It feels like you put it in because you needed to hint. You don’t. ^^ He managed to salvage the sim card mind you. He just didn’t have a phone to put it in. – I agree on the “mind you” here, it’s the same as the “million pieces” above, you need to decide which way you’re going to go. In any case, the “mind you” is an aside, so I’d have a comma before it.

Jamie collapsed against the fence alongside the canal and began to put pen to paper.
Where’d be put the peas? Odd question, and not really important at all, I’m just wondering.

My angel, Why did you start in italics but not continue with it? Or end in italics at all? The difference is really noticeable for me.

I don’t think you could ever comprehend how much I miss you. As soon as I am I’d use the contraction here, “I’m” otherwise it’s too formal. back in school things will be a lot better. I never thought I’d want the Easter holidays to end so much. This week has been the longest and worst of my eighteen years.

Baby, I truly hope your mum hasn’t done anything daft. Lol, “daft” I don’t know much at all about your characters, but an eighteen year old writing daft in a letter? It doesn’t quite equate for me. You’ll have to prove his use of this kind of language later. The whole police thing really scared me. Thank you so much for not pressing charges. We both know we did it because we love each other. Ooooh! I know! Statutory rape, ne? You might not have been my first, like I was to you, but I wish you were. Ha! I was right! You will always be the most special person in my life.

I need to talk to you as soon as possible. I’ve done something stupid. It was a while ago and I’m really sorry but we do need to talk about it.

Keep your chin up, don’t let her grind you down

Love you always,

Jamie

xxx

He licked the envelope, grimacing at the taste, and stuffed the rest of his writing materials into his backpack. Seriously, where’d the peas go? Jamie needed to get into the attic of Summer’s house. It was their secret place. Seriously, that’s the stupidest secret place ever. Why would it be in his girlfriend’s house, that invents problems abounds, I mean, it’s not easily accessible, and hardly very secretive. I’m not saying change it. xD I’m just saying they’re stupid. Summer would know to check their there for correspondence.

As he arrived at the towering Victorian house, he was pleased to find the small hole in the tiling was still there. Kerry obviously hadn’t noticed, he thought to himself.

He was as nimble as any other eighteen year old boy, so quickly arrived at the top of the ladder Ladder? Where on earth did that come from?! and scrambled through the small delete “small” we already know it’s small because you’ve said so. hole he had created to get to his girlfriend. Was she still his girlfriend? How long do they have to not speak for before it is officially over? You’ve switched to present tense here, it doesn’t fit, rearrange for past, please? ^^

I’m curious to know how small “small” is, actually, I mean, this guy is 18, and fit. I doubt he’s tiny, so how big is this hole to fit this guy? That’s just curiosity on my part.

Jamie’s breathe no “e” in breath. came out short and fast. Summer’s mother was lying motionless in a pile of what looked like vomit. again, this informality I’m not sure about “what looked like” could easily be deleted. You need to consider the tone and voice of your narrator. What was he supposed to do? He was technically breaking in. He had no permission to be in this house. She didn’t look like she was moving.

Coughing loudly to check she wasn’t merely asleep, he stepped towards her. He had done enough to Summer to leave her mother in this position. Erm, what now? This line makes little to no sense to me. I think it’s the use of “to Summer” – what did he do to her? Because this indicates a lack of reciprocation on that whole “doing it” thing. It’s just a little convoluted, I think. Then again, Jamie thought, none of this would have happened without her interference. I’d put Jamie’s thoughts in italics, I think. You need to differentiate between the two. No police, no interviews, no distance between Summer and Jamie. Now I’m just confused. Is the second part of this his thoughts or not? I assume not, but it’s very formal, very like Jamie’s thoughts. I think you need to separate Jame and the narrator.

His eyes glazed over as he thought what might have been, but he was shocked back to reality by the moist, dark maroon patch on the fabric of Kerry’s denim trousers. I don’t think you need “the fabric of” here, it’s cumbersome. The sunlight spilled through the skylight and shone upon the nail that had previously impaled Kerry’s leg.[color-violet] Cade (I think it was) is right about this line, the repetition and oddly formal manner here jars with the flow of the narrative. I’d suggest not repeating the name and working on making that less awkward, Cade’s suggestion was rather good for it. [/color] Jamie, already having called the ambulance comma was drawn to it subconsciously. when did he call an ambulance? I’m confused at the sudden time shift here; a moment ago he was contemplating leaving her there with no help, wasn’t he? When did he decide to help her, where was the call? He pulled at it, and the metal was unexpectedly warm at the tip. It came out of the plank of wood and was free in hand. How did the nail get into the wood? You didn’t mention it was in the floor before, just that it had previously been in her leg. How did he know it was in her leg before? His fingers unfurled revealing a small amount of blood. It wasn’t his own, and he glowered at it filling the miniscule cracks in his skin.

Panic took over and Jamie fled. He slid down the ladder so fast he lost his footing, landing flat on his back at the bottom with a thud. Did he make any noise? He hasn’t at all thus far, which is slightly odd, ne? Scrambling up quickly, he noticed the sound of a siren heading towards him. Picking up his backpack with extreme haste, Jamie didn’t notice that he had dropped the letter he had written for Summer in a nearby flowerbed.

Summer

She pulled up a chair and sat staring at her mother in complete disgust. From what the nurses had said she had fallen, cut her leg and vomited on herself due to the amount of alcohol she had consumed. This is very long, perhaps cut from “on herself” onward into something like “from alcohol poisoning? Else wise, I’d separate the line somehow, it’s very full. All Summer could think about was how her mother would react if this situation was the other way round. Surely, as the “unruly teen” she should be the one with the contents of her stomach matted into her hair and her jeans ripped. I’d suggest having the first “she” in this last line as “Summer” just because the ownership is slightly ambiguous here. We know it’s not the mother, but having the girl’s name in here will clear that up completely.

Not knowing why she was here, she gazed around the private room in boredom. Why wouldn’t she know why she was there? It’s obviously for her mother, perhaps add a small note adding her only coming because the police told her to, or to be a good daughter? Her mother had been asleep for the twenty minutes she had been here and Summer considered leaving. You’re mixing tenses here, are we present or past? I’m not sure. It may be her mother lying in this hospital bed, but after everything that happened, she was ashamed for not being more worried. she doesn’t seem ashamed, she seems apathetic. A face appeared at the door. Summer took a double take and then quickly looked at the floor. It was Jamie. She waited and waited for the door to open, and only let her eyes return to the door after a minute had passed and it was still yet to open. I’d take out “still” here, it’s slightly redundant with the “yet” I’d also consider deleting the “and waited” repetition. It doesn’t feel fantastic where it is.

Jamie was still standing outside the door, with tears falling from his eyes. Should Summer go to him? She really didn’t know. connect these two lines, the question is out of place and directed to the audience more than anyone else. As such it feels wrong and odd here. Perhaps “She didn’t know if going to him was the best idea…”? Before she knew it, her legs had forced her to stand walk Stand or walk? Delete “stand” towards the door. He pushed it open for her in a gentlemanly fashion. Their eyes didn’t meet as they exchanged pleasantries.

“I was the one that found her. Did you know?” Jamie asked, still not making eye contact.

“No, but the paramedics were confused when they got there and she was on her own. Why didn’t you stay with her?” she asked, her face full of confusion. this second “asked” feels a bit icky. I’d suggest not having anything but “her face was full of confusion.”

“I couldn’t darling. I didn’t know the kind of reaction I would get. The attic was a complete mess so I knew she’d found out where it was happening.” Neither of them are looking at the other, and they’re having pleasantries instead of relieved hugging and stuff, but he still calls her “darling”? It doesn’t feel right to me. Also, comma before the “darling” ^^

“My mother was in the attic? Oh God, I need to get out of here.” Summer said comma backing away from Jamie, shaking her head as she noticed the bruising and swelling Perhaps “bruised swelling”? Just for a bit of extra flow? surrounding his left eye.

She walked back to the bed and picked up her black woollen coat that had been haphazardly thrown over an uncomfortable looking blue plastic chair. There are too many adjectives here (which is a surprise for me to say, I have to point out, considering my love affair with description) you need to simplify the line by taking out some of the words: either “black” or “woollen”, not both. “thrown” indicates “haphazardly” – I’d take the second out. And I’d pick either “blue” or “plastic” but not both in that line, I’d also take out “looking”. I know that’s a lot and you should do what feels best to you, but the line needs altering, it’s hard to read as is. As she turned round, Jamie was nowhere to be seen. When did she turn around? She was backing away before? Bursting through the door, ready to confront Jamie with everything that had happened, Summer felt sick. What? Door? xD When did she start toward a door, didn’t she hear it open or close when she had turned around? He can’t be that fast. What time frame are we looking at? I thought it was just in moments? Luckily for her, he had left. Why is it lucky he’d left?

Hi there! I'm here.

Consistency/Diction. Okay. So your main problem, I think, is that you combine some really formal writing with contrasting colloquial writing. This doesn't work out because it's inconsistent and your reader wants you to stick to one--otherwise, it's confusing! I'd prefer that you make it easier, more friendly. Don't make the writing formal; it sounds stilted and out-of-place in a piece about dramatic, chaotic times in young people's lives.
Example:

He managed to salvage the sim card mind you.

The sunlight spilled through the skylight and shone upon the nail that had previously impaled Kerry’s leg.

hey i think that Clo pretty much covered everything but there was one thing that was a little confusing.

He was as nimble as any other eighteen year old boy, so quickly arrived at the top of the ladder and scrambled through the small hole he had created to get to his girlfriend.

OLIIIVIA. You mangly old coot, you.

He managed to salvage the sim card mind you. He just didn’t have a phone to put it in

Summer would know to check their for correspondence.

Jamie’s breathe came out short and fast. Summer’s mother was lying motionless in a pile of what looked like vomit. What was he supposed to do? He was technically breaking in. He had no permission to be in this house. She didn’t look like she was moving.

he noticed the sound of a siren heading towards him

A face appeared at the door. Summer took a double take and then quickly looked at the floor. It was Jamie. She waited and waited for the door to open, and only let her eyes return to the door after a minute had passed and it was still yet to open.

Jamie, already having called the ambulance was drawn to it subconsciously. He pulled at it, and the metal was unexpectedly warm at the tip. It came out of the plank of wood and was free in hand. His fingers unfurled revealing a small amount of blood. It wasn’t his own, and he glowered at it filling the miniscule cracks in his skin.

I like the way this story is going. It has a very different, but yet very relevant, plotline. I want to know how the mother found out, how the father found out, adn what it is that Kaime did. I didn't see anything blatantly wrong in any of the sections. I'll deffinitely check back in when a new one is up!

Ohh the story gets better I want to know what Jamie did, what he was writing about in the letter.

I liker that they are now in the same position now (Both been kicked out of their homes) but I want Summer to see that Jamie really loves her because at the moment I just think she thinks he was using her, which Is sad, he obviously cares about ehr to go to the trouble of trying to get that letter to her.

PM me when you get the next part up will you?

Meevs
x

Hey Olivia!
Nice story so far.
I like the switching of the characters' points of views.
Very innovative and probably difficult to keep track of and execute well.
But you seemed to have pulled it off.
But thats just my totally amateur opinion.
Just the right amount of detail, it didn't go overboard,
And I could picture in my head what you were trying to tell your readers.
I should learn from you.
PM me when the next chapter comes out!
See ya around!