(This is my first post here, hi! I don't know how you guys work around here, but I just decided to post this to get some sort of feedback? I wrote this well over a year ago, for a creative writing class I had been taking at the time... But I always kind of liked it a little.)
Sitting alone, wasting away on the bombarded city streets,
Broken dreams, and lost hopes litter the ground,
The stark stench of failure fills the air.
Innocent bodies hang from sinful nooses,
Others draped lifelessly over their own smoking gun, and their once prized nostalgic possessions.
Pure souls lost to the world, due to circumstances beyond their control.
In this city, all faint hints of sincerity and passion, are an easily illustrated illusion.
Loneliness is bliss, bitterness is welcomed, and self-loathing is the ultimate satisfaction.
I was left here to coexist with the sinners and recluses, beginning to fall in sync with their routine.
You appeared from what seemed like nowhere, looking ragged, like the lost cause you've become.
I could sense integrity in your stance, in your confidence.
Your false sense of pride, in that clinching moment, was heartwarming.
I had misplaced words that leaked from your heart ages before now, believing your heart had won the war this time.
I had forgotten how badly wounded you left me, how crippled you left my soul.
But your appearance now, was anything but a sham,
Your presence was no fabrication of love.
You picked me up from the hopeless state I was conforming into.
You saved me from becoming a drone nonetheless, like the others.
I couldn't imagine that just the slightest brush of your hand, to my skin, could shake me so awake.
As your skin fell against mine, so delicately, my bleak world of grey, began to saturate to colors I can only faintly recall.
As your arms pulled me in, your heart swallowed me whole,
I never thought I’d be able to feel alive again.
You tilted your head down, and despite of all the bystanders glancing and glaring,
You held tightly onto my hands, as strong as you held your word,
You whispered so slowly, to the point where my heart could burst at the seams, your voice soothing like a fire,
Your eyes exposed the emotion that truthfully, the words you were about to speak were sincere:
“Darling, I'll never let you go."
As these words dripped from your mouth, I couldn't help but hear your heart beat in tune with mine.
We collapsed, and molded together in a warm embrace,two parts forming a whole.
Finally, we were one.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Apart from suggesting you to divide this beautiful poem into at least four parts... I really can't say anything else about it. I'm in awe, truly. You have a great piece of literature here. Well done!
Wow! This is an amazingly deep poem, and it shows true emotions. I love your descriptive words in the first part, especially this:
Wonderful imagery. I cannot see any faults, but I got wrapped up in your poem it was hard to look for any! Please keep writing or I'll hunt after you! My favourite line was:
I loved your description and the word dripped fills in perfectly there. Keep writing! An amazing job!
"As your arms pulled me in, your hear swallowed me whole" this is one of my favorite lines from this piece of work!! Clever word-play!!
I like the general idea of this poem and it really stirred some emotions i have about people in suffering, particularly, the homeless. I'm reading The Street Lawyer by John Gisham at the moment and this poem has touched my heart just as the novel has.
Keep writing nomatter what.