This is a WIP!
text format if needed:
Rays of pure adoration shed their whispers of desire on bare skin. Planting thoughts of creation and existence, inspiring those who wake before the stars collapse to breathe in the awe of the rising sol. To be the only one, that is the sun's greatest duty, alone in the vastless sky. Reaching out to us to preserve its hopes and dreams, as we are the soldiers of this Xenon mass. And we bask in its kindness, how it opens our hearts. Ripening the fruits, preparing the harvests, lovingly unraveling the buds of flowers to bloom into sensation. We inhibit bodies of celestial multitudes, grains of stardust sprinkled into our lineage, continuing the path with a similar glare to that of our atmosphere. We are free to do so if we have the will to try.
I am indebted to you.
Sol-ly, for the reason of existence.
That who I am now is all a gratitude for what's given.
There is a trembling in the grass, as the moon’s tears wash away their blades. I can feel the keys unpress their bodies under my hands, I feel the breeze surround my mind, intoxicating me with a whiff of new fragrance. I am alive, and to be a living person, you must experience to the fullest.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hello, there! Avi here with a review
considering Sol is the Egyptian god of the sun. I have a feeling you already know this, and I just want to give you a little "woot woot!" and appreciation for the little nodI'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Firstly, I just want to say I quite adore the link between the title and one of the lines
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a very prosaic poem with a central celestial theme that tends to elude mostly to the sun (in very artistic, masterful ways, might I add).
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
My only suggestions would be to alter the punctuation (and one word) in two lines. to
And in
I'd suggest omitting the comma and making it
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
This is a beautiful, masterfully written piece. However, as every reader will, I have a few favorite lines.
These pieces are just so filled with touching imagery.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
This is a wonderful piece, @oirichu. You did an incredible job writing it, and I look forward to reading more of your work! <3
Happy Reading, Happy Writing!
-avimoon
I dont even have the words to express the gratitude for such a kind and beautiful review!! I'm glad you caught on for the sol haha! :') this is all so well put together and nicely written, I must thank you for all the sweet words. Will be definitely taking those critiques and adding them in!! I hope you have an amazing rest of your day/night!
hi i'm labyrinthine i thought i'd go ahead and drop a review for you :) thank you for your review on my work it was very kind.
this piece is so descriptive, but at times it falls flat in that aspect. when you describe something too much, in a way it dulls the greatness, the viscerality of all those descriptions. in some places, it could do well to be pruned, to have these deep, vehement statements give even more of a punch. because if i look at the sentences individually, they are so stunning. they could just do with some simple bridges between them.
i also feel that the pun with "sol-ly" comes off a bit juvenile for the overall tone of the piece. using the original word would have given a better effect, with a more subtle pun.
in the last stanza, there comes a new pronoun. "I". yet i don't truly understand why it was brought in. this poem reads as an ode to the sun, to its humanness. yet here is a commentary on experiencing life. while it's a nice sentiment, it doesn't match the rest and could be better suited to a different poem (especially because the descriptions in the last stanza are wonderful).
i hope this wasn't too harsh, it really is a good poem. there are just some things that could make it great.
until next time
- labyrinthine
Hi Labyrinthine! I appreciate the review!
This is a work in progress ^^ I should've mentioned that but I put it in my WIP section. My intent for it is to go with my current bigger document that is a 20 collection, and somewhat slide it in with one of my characters that inhibits the suns desires!
I really appreciate the review though this was great to read!