I am feeling in a peculiar delusion - my emotions are animated and the mirror reflects a talcun dusting underneath the luminous rays. The talcun frolics crisp and frail, the mask is removed yet the face familiar. The skin of porcelain was an imbalance of yesterday’s coverings, today’s re-touch, the edges and blindspots and a pastel blush merged into stranger. Grave eyes replay slideshows of sleepless nights and scarring memories, bruised purple with evidence of truth. Grazing sweet pleasures against my third rib and tearing the flesh of god’s gift, slicing the body into bitesizes and bittersweet juice I can reflect on who I am and who I want to be.
In denial
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I think that in your attempt to prove your proficiency as a writer you succeeded in created something that ultimately says and accomplishes nothing. The entire point of writing is to communicate, and this piece honestly does not communicate anything to me. I do not believe this to be because of the fact that I am an inept reader, but more so because, as a writer, you use language that is so cryptic and descriptive that it defeats the purpose of the actual writing.
I'm going to try and analyze this sentence-by-sentence in an effort to find some meaning in the ramble. With each sentence, I replaced the confusing, nonsensical words with easier words in that same tense. Those words are bolded and in #FF0000 ">red.
How can you "feel in a delusion?" It makes no sense.
What does this even mean?? You're excited and you can see talcum powder in the mirror?! And, just so you know, talcum is WHITE. It's like the kind of stuff geisha wore, I think. Normal people don't wear talcum.
Again, this doesn't say anything. I'm about ready to come to the conclusion that this piece says nothing at all. None of the sentences make sense at all. I mean, this one says that there are flakes of white makeup on the MC's face. But then it goes on to say that she isn't wearing a mask, yet her face is familiar?
I can't even continue. I'd actually like you to, like, PM me so you can tell me what the meaning of this was supposed to be, because I obviously missed it.
Lena
Alright, I thought this was an interesting piece but I fail to understand what and where you were going with this. I could imagine and make out the meaning of the mask but the rest of it was tad bit confusing. What did you mean by god's gift? Anyway, it was interesting to read but hard to understand.
-Shear
Hey!
At first there's a bundle of emotions and emotions always reach the eyes, and then they're serious? You could use this to describe more and give us info.So this is interesting and while I do like the poetic style, maybe add a bit more pros and detail? This is very short.
Good imagery, but what is going on? Expand some more. Show us something that makes us understand what's going on.
~Lava
Hi. This is really unusual. It sounds more like poetry than a story, to me. Maybe if you reorganised it into a poetic structure it would sound and look a bit better.
When you say 'I am feeling in a peculiar delusion', it sounds a bit nonsensical. 'I am feeling peculiarly deluded' would sound better, but still doesn't really make sense. I think if it read 'I feel peculiar' it would sound better.
What is a talcun? Do you mean talcum powder? What do you mean it's mask has been removed? Again, this is difficult to understand.
This metaphor doesn't make sense: 'pastel blush merged into stranger'.
Is the story about someone that is/ or has been abused? (references to sleepless nights, bruises, scarring memories) and they are covering up the bruises with make up, while looking in the mirror. But the person feels this has somehow made them stronger and has allowed them to reflect on their life, perhaps re-evaluate everything, and take their life into their own hands. That's what i get from it anyway.
I like the imagery throughout it. But it all seems a bit cryptic. Like your trying to sound clever, but instead it sounds confused.
That's all i have to say really, keep practicing.
Hello and Welcome back
This is so short, really short. Maybe try lengthening it just a tad, and the repetition on taclon in the first couple of lines disrupts the flow of things; try adding other words in to describe it. This is also a really short review, but once you add some I would love to come back and give another.
Have an awesome day,
Tiffany