Okay, I'm new to this website, and this is my first post. Yay
!
And by the by, I know I'm not a breathtaking writer, I'm merely 14, but I'm not horrible.
I'll take any criticism. And yes, I understand I use fragments and sometimes exaggerated spacing, as I do this for dramatic effect.
Thanks for viewing, and enjoy! ![]()
*NOTE* This story will have multiple chapters, but most of it is already planned out and I doubt it will be too long. Also, each chapter is named with a song title.
Simplicity
Prologue
"My Apocalypse"
Oh, simplicity.
My life revolved around utter simplicity.
I was a simple girl, in a simple town, with simple people surrounding me.
But ever since you showed up, my life turned a total 360. My life now revolves around you, dear. You are the sun in my universe.
But as I lie here bloody, broken, and bruised, I realize that the sun has burned out. You have burned out. You're gone, forever.
And you know what that means. Everything collides and we all die. Sounds fun, right? Riiight.
Well, anyway, by now I'm down to my last few hours, and the only thing I want to think about is you. Bear with me as I remember the beginning.
Chapter One
"Ocean Eyes"
I was in a beautiful place. I could only see green grass, blue skies, and hibiscus flowers, my favorite kind, in every direction. There was probably a dumb looking smile lingering on my face, the kind of smile I hated wearing. And not to mention my hair probably looked as though i was insane, but there was no reason to care, because there was nobody there to watch me.
Or so I thought.
When I turned around, I saw someone. A boy, my age. He was a good distance from me, at least 50 feet away, but I could still see his ice blue eyes. They were so God-like that they cut through my soul.
His head wore long, raven colored hair. It was the perfect length so it didn't cover his gorgeous eyes.
On his body he wore a simple black t-shirt, and dark faded jeans. On his feet he wore no shoes or socks.
I felt the stupid smile still on my face, and my cheeks flushed.
I stopped smiling, and I attempted to stride towards him. Yet for some reason the grass and flowers I trampled over seemed to only put more distance between us.
His ice blue eyes staring into my boring brown ones gave me the chills, even from this far away. His face showed a sign of alert, and I knew I needed to get closer. He called out to me, but I couldn't understand what he said. I needed to know. This highly attractive boy with the perfect eyes had to tell me, yes, me, something.
But I never found out what it was, because I woke up.
Chapter Two
"Color Me Cliche/Crush"
My eyes opened quickly. The clock on my intricately decorated green iHome read six twenty-seven, the time I wake up on a daily basis. Cute is What We Aim For blasted through the speakers, Shaant singing...
"I've got birds in my ears and a devil on my shoulder and a phone to the other and I can't get a hold of her. And what's a crush to do when he can't get through?"
Normally, I would turn off the music immediately, but couldn't have just skipped this song, considering I had an intense love for it. I let the song continue to play, turning the volume down from a 15 to a 7. After I accomplished that, I pulled my happy bunny pajamas off of my body, threw them in the hamper, and donned the outfit I had planned to wear for the day.
My outfit consisted of a white NeverShoutNever t-shirt, black skinny jeans with a hole in the right knee, and white Converse All-Star High Tops. I also wore many random bracelets on my arms, consisting of beads, strings, "live strong" bracelets, band bracelets, hair ties, and rubber bands. In my ears I wore large plugs, 4 gauge, that were patterned with zebra print. I also had two silver cartilage piercings in my left ear. Uh, yeah, I like jewelry.
After I got dressed, I pulled my green iPod nano out of the iHome, and wrapped my Skull Candy headphones around it. I grabbed my lime green drawstring bag, threw everything I needed for the day into it, and put it on my back.
Hair and makeup time! I attempted to walk quietly over the creaky wood paneling in the hallway, failed on the 'quietly' part, and entered the bathroom. Once in the bright room lined with an ugly, pastel colored, floral wallpaper, I pulled my cheap flat iron out from the cabinet under the sink, shoving the plug into an outlet on the wall. I flipped the switch on the iron to the side that read 'on,' and threw my drawstring bag onto the counter. I pulled out makeup and decided on what I was doing.
I applied black eyeliner under my eyes, as well as a thin line on the top. Then I brushed white eyeshadow on the rest of my eyelids. Once I did that, I pulled a large Conair brush through my thin, nearly straight, layered, light brown hair (with black low lights.) The longest layer of my hair came down to about 2 inches above my belly button. It was pretty long, I guess.
After I got out every knot, I straightened my hair, starting at the bangs. About two minutes later, I finished. It was quick considering my hair was already almost perfectly straight before I even tried.
I was finally done, and I stared at my own reflection in the mirror. As I looked at myself, I knew I was nothing special. I gazed into my own brown eyes, and I remembered my strange dream.
What had it meant? I was unsure... so I decided to get some food. (When in doubt, get some brain power!) So I put everything back in my bag and left the bathroom.
I walked down the staircase into the den, waving at my brother as I passed him. He was playing Call of Duty : Modern Warfare 2 on the Xbox, one of my all time favorite games. As I entered the kitchen, I opened the pristine white refrigerator. I eyed the store-brand orange juice, pulled it out, and poured myself a glass. Then I grabbed a fresh corn muffin off of the counter and scarfed it down in a few bites.
I left the kitchen and walked out the front door, shouting "Bye!" to whoever was still in the house. My feet trudged off of the front porch and stopped near my mailbox to wait for the bus. My eyes wandered down the block to where I saw a small squirrel dash across the street in front of a small black Toyota. To my liking, it made it safely to the other side.
The bus arrived at 7:04, four minutes off schedule, as usual. I climbed the steps and sat in my usual seat beside my best friend in the ninth grade (he's one year younger than me.)
"Carissa Lynn Way!" was screamed into my ear.
"Christopher Trey Fericcio!" I shouted back, with a large hint of sarcasm in my voice.
"Well OKAY THEN, be that way, Ms. Enthusiastic." Chris pouted, dropping his head and letting his long black 'emo' hair fall in front of his eyes. He crossed his arms over his chest.
"Sorry, love. You've known me for what, four years now? You should know I hate Mondays," I spoke in a more jovial tone now, and I pushed the hair out of his face. He lifted his head and flashed a full smile at me. I half-smiled back. Then as he proceeded to tell me about something that happened between him and a girl, I quickly lost interest.
I was more consumed in thought about my dream.
When the bus pulled up to Lakewood High School, the bus emptied of humans, leaving only the aged bus driver on board. We called him Gorilla, for he had an unusual amount of hair on his body.
As Chris and I approached the navy blue doors that contained a place that was nearly terrible as Hell, I pulled the T-Mobile sidekick phone out of my backpack and silenced it. Once inside the building, I gave Chris a one-armed hug goodbye, and told him I'd see him sixth period.
I walked through the hallways, gently waving at each person who threw a greeting in my direction, finally stopping in front of locker number two thousand four hundred seventy, my locker.
Normally, there were no people surrounding my locker, nobody to get in my way and bug me, considering both lockers to the left and right of mine were empty. But that day I saw something peculiar.
It was a boy I'd never seen before. He was attempting to open the locker located to the right of mine, locker two thousand four hundred seventy -one.
A boy?
With dark brown, amazing hair, a black Escape the Fate shirt and red skinny jeans? Let's not forget the black Converse All Star High Tops with writing in pen on the rubber front of the shoe?
'Dear Lord,' I thought, 'Thank you for this gift. Amen. Now do NOT let him see me. Let him stay facing in that direction.'
I slowly approached my locker after staring at him for a few seconds, and I tried not to attract attention to myself. In my head, I constantly repeated 41-49-21, trying to force all of my attention onto opening my locker.
"Excuse me?" were the words that broke my concentration. Those words were also the first two words I had ever heard spoken by an angel.
MY angel.
And I was so lost in thought of him that I had almost forgotten to respond.
"Y-yeah?" I said meekly, without turning in his direction.
"Uhm, could you help me with this?" he questioned as I peered at his face for the first time. And oh, boy, was his face gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. His lips were pierced with snakebites, which gave him a bad-ass look, and his dark brown hair, which was almost black, was perfectly straight. The cut of it would be considered the stereotype 'scene' haircut, as one side of his hair covered his right eye.
But his eyes, well, the one eye I could see, were the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. They were exactly like the ones I'd seen in my dream, except up close, they were even better.
They were a stunning ice blue, just like in my dream, and the outer rings of the iris that neared the sclera were a deeper blue. His flawless pale skin made his eyes more prominent, which made him look even more stunning.
When I looked at him, I probably had that stupid smile on my face again. As I did in the dream. Oh, joy. I decided to stop staring and responded with some difficulty.
"Yeah, uh, sure. W-what do you need?" I stuttered. He flipped his hair before answering, and I nearly cringed in awe.
"Well, I may sound stupid, but I can't open my locker," he added a half frown at the end.
I hesitantly let out a small giggle and I pushed my long bangs to rest above my left eye.
"Don't worry, I had trouble with mine too, even though I've been in this school since last year."
He also laughed, even though I doubt I had said anything funny, "What grade are you in now?"
"Uh, I'm in tenth," I paused, "What about you?"
"Tenth also," he smiled, revealing perfect white teeth.
'Is there anything wrong with this guy?' I wondered in my mind.
"I'm Derek, by the way." he flipped his hair again. I melted. I needed to get used to this.
"Carissa... I'm Carissa," I said, "Not to be a stalker or anything, but what do you have this period?"
"I don't know, you tell me," he answered, and tossed me his schedule.
His schedule told me many things. Well, three important things. One, that his full name was Derek K. Lockheart (I thought Carissa Lockheart sounded nice in my head.) Two, he lived on my block, in the brand new house on the other end of the street. And finally, three, we had 5 classes together. I was elated.
"We have almost the same schedule," I said, masking my excitement.
"Sweet, what's first?" he smiled yet again. I still wasn't used to the perfection.
"Biology Honors." I stated, and we headed off together towards the west end of the building.
I definitely had a crush. A crush on the boy with the eyes I'd seen only in my dream.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Thank you very much for your feedback
One, thank you for the corrections. Two, I wouldn't have chapters at all if I had the time to write my whole story, I just don't have much time on my hands -_-. Three, I understand the morning-routine-boring-problem, I just tried to get her appearance out quickly, as there's not going to be much time for it later. Four, don't worry about the cliche problem. I tried to put that out there in the prolouge. And finally, thanks for the compliments
Lord, I love you. XD! But the thing you should be able to comprehend from the prolouge is that it's not going to be one of the 'I'm in love with you, you love me, and we're going to be perfect forever,' kinds of stories, it's going to be a REAL LIFE situation where everything doesn't end up being all rainbows and butterflies. And as for the 'info-dumping,' I understand what you mean. I try to include that because if I hadn't, I feel it's hard to depict what I'm saying.
I completely understand what you're saying here, I'll attempt.
I don't have a lot of time, so let's just get this over with, shall we? I'm not going to nitpick, though for a fourteen-year-old your grammar/spelling wasn't bad at all, but if I'm known at all on here, it's as the girl who says exactly what she thinks and doesn't apologize every minute for it.
Your characters need help. Some would say you're descriptive--I say it's info-dumping. I don't care if you're iPod Nano is lime green, or what your shirt says, or what sort of make-up you wear. And honestly, how cliche is new-boy-really-attractive-from-dream-last-night-I'm-just-a-boring-brown-haired-brown-eyed-teenage girl? Admitting it's cliche doesn't make it better, or fix the story.
So cut down on the names of songs, brands of shoes she wears, the exact game her brother is playing, and what she eats for breakfast, unless that's important to the plot. Obviously I can't stop you from writing a story created by the gods to make most writers tear their hair out and scream expletives at the sky, but the minute I made an effort to stop writing cliches my writing got a lot better. Perhaps yours would, too.
The characters are flat and dry, and honestly, if new-boy dragged your MC into a dark alleyway and slit her throat I might cheer, before I had the chance to stop myself. Make them real, make them human, or don't make them at all, hmm? Doesn't mean all your characters have to have detailed backgrounds and patterns of speech so distinct you can always tell who's speaking -- leave that sort of thing to J.R.R. Tolkien and Terry Pratchett. But I'd appreciate it if I could stop disliking these cardboard-cutouts wandering around in a dead-end cliche of a plot.
For a fourteen-year-old, you're actually a lot better than most, and I've no doubt that if you keep practicing you'll be even more exceptional. It just takes a little creeping out of your comfort zone and some not-so-fun hard work. Trust me, it'll totally pay off. ;-D
Good luck in all your endeavors, ma cherie! Adieu! Gesundheit! Do PM me when you put the next bit on, yesss?
-SELA
Hey welcome to YWS, I'm new too. I really like your title,by the way, it's what made me want to read this in the first place.
Anyway, onto your review.
I think you meant 'my life revolved around utter simplicity'.
Since you already mentioned in the first sentence, that her life turned a total 360, the reader can conclude that her life changed dramatically, so you don't need to say that everything around her completely changed. It would just be repeating what you already said.
Haha, story of my life. I almost always have a stupid grin on my face at the wrong moments.
Heehee. Love it.
Alright, her morning routine seemed a little boring. It helped me get a better idea of what Carissa looked like, but there was a lot of "I did this and then I did that" kind of thing going on. Your chapters are a bit short for me. Are you planning on this being a novella? Other than that, I love, love, love your main character. She's got enough spunk to keep this from being your usual, boring romantic story. I am looking forward to reading more of this. Just remember to not let it get too cliche, okay?
Message me when you post more. And again, welcome to YWS!
Embee.
Looks like I'm here first
. Welcome fellow writer to YWS hope your getting along alright. Now on to the story, it was very interesting and sort of a cliche with the guy but that's okay in my book. Your descriptions were very visionary and I like how you described your MC feelings. There was no mistakes I spotted so all in all it was up to par. Thanks for the read and now I bid you adieu. 