Young Writers Society

Hi there sandmen, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review for Team Jawbreaker!

Your whole poem was overall, pretty good. I'd say you definatly lived up to your horror/supernatural theme and you did a good job of making it eerie, which was quite nice for such a short poem. Now, let's get to the nick picky stuff, shall we?

'wolves vent their howls.'
I'm gonna' have to agree with Cynder and thecolorofthesky that 'vent' feels out of place and just doesn't really fit into what you are going for. You could try something like 'wolves let loose their howls' or 'wolves let out their howls.' The nice thing is that this doesn't have to rhym so that makes it easier to fix.

Also, I am going to have to disagree with thecolorofthesky on your third part of this poem. I think it does make sense, you are deciding a ghostly creature ready to tast a streaming soul. However, I do think this is a bit confusing at the end and I had to read very casually to make sure I understood. I think 'streaming' shouldn't be used here as I don't really picture a soul streaming. I think of it more as a small glowing heart-like thing, but that's just me.

Overall, very nice job. Besides that one sort of confusing part, I'd say you did well and your poem flows nicely. I like your theme as I am one for spooky, suspense, and scary, especially when you are given just enough to picture what is going on, which I could. Your word choice was also good and I love how creative you where with this, and how you described this ghostly lady so perfectly. I also think you did a great job at keeping it eerie but not too eerie so that it kept the read thinking, ooo, spookie, and not, ugh, too much spookie stuff.
Very nice job and please keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801 for Team Jawbreaker.

Heyo! It's thecolorofthesky on this fine review day. Let's get going!
To start out, I think your mood for this is very rad. The way you executed it (no pun intended) could be improved. The lines seem a little choppy to me. The way you cut the lines just seems off. This could also be elevated by a bit more description. The poem is good, but a little vague.

full scarlet lips part slightly, to taste the
soul streaming from the
pale flesh beneath
her.

Cynder here. I'd love to review your poem, if you wouldn't mind too much XD

Anyway, I love the overall theme of your poem. It is simple and elegant, and conveys your message very well. Although... I do have a few pointers.

I'm not quite sure I understand the way you have separated your lines. It doesn't quite read smoothly, and I think the way a poem is read makes all the difference.

This is not to say that I don't like your style, I just don't think the way it's laid out is the best for the poem. You are more than welcome to disagree, I just think this poem can be taken to a whole new level.

I also don't understand why the last line says, "I," because before you said "her." I think saying I takes away from the poem. Mostly because you're making her sound like a mystical creature, and then u take away from that theme by saying "I."

If you were going for a, "she's a monster like me," or "the night bends to her as it does to me," then I understand. That theme doesn't stick though when you then interject with "I rise." Am I making any sense? If you need me to clarify, by all means message me.

Anyway, moving on. Why do the wolves "vent?" They howl, and bay to the night, right? Give that some more description so that these wolves "vent"... something. Their frustration towards humans? Their call for their masters, the enemy of the vampires, werewolves? That last suggestion would really put an interesting twist on things in my opinion.

But enough of my criticisms. I really did like, besides "vent," your choice of words. It's short, but precise. Simple, but beautiful. Good job, that is sooo not easy to do. Keep up the good work.

~Cynder out.