What have you taken away?
A dark black shadowy cloud of chaos as memories twist.
once we tasted paradise,
childlike and innocent,
but your thirst soured.
a horrific morass of agony-
tears follow bitterness, follow death,
love burnt to ashes.
in a haze of vengeance,
I condemn you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there! Nice poem! I just have a few critiques for you. To start, I would try to rework the second line. I think it would sound smoother if it were along the lines of "memories writhe in a black shadowy cloud of unease and chaos." I enjoy the next few lines, but overall, there needs to be more punctuation and capitalization. The flow is disrupted by the rush of ideas in the middle. Your poem reveals a story that could be expanded upon. I enjoy the amount of feeling in this short poem and would love for you to reinforce this with phrasing and imagery and other literary devices. The poem could be more vivid and longer. Keep writing! Thank you for the read!
-thecolorofthesky
Heya, Monster!(Mind if I call you that?)
Casanova here to review your poem!
Well... First off, I did like this poem. It's a bit.. Different, but I liked it nonetheless.
I didn't notice much wrong with this poem-I mean it's not like I can judge subject and emotion. That's for YOU to decide, so good job on this.
The fist thing I noticed was in the second line. "A dark black shadowy cloud of chaos as memories twist." In the beginning when you're using the adjectives it's a bit... Improper sentence organization. Commas between them would be preferred so it would run more smoothly.
The next thing I noticed was our capitalization.In the first two lines the first word is capitalized, but they aren't in the next lines until the end.
After that I noticed the flow seemed kind of off. In the line,"Tears follow bitterness, follow death," it's much longer than,"love burnt to ashes." Now, this could have just been a format error, but it caught my attention.
In any case, I like this poem. It's.. a bit dark, but you can relate to it. It seems as if the writer is angry towards someone, and cannot forgive them for the wrong that they caused them. I could be wrong about the way I have taken the poem, though.
Anyway, I hope to see more from you! This was really good to read!
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron