Published April 15, 2010
The tears welled up in my eyes as I ran. I felt light-headed. My mind was too busy racing with thoughts. There were many of them, all speaking up at once - but the main one was really quite simple. Seth had lied to me. But... he wouldn't do that. I mean, I knew Seth - I knew him. I did.
Only, one of the thoughts reminded me, he wasn't really Seth. Because he lied about that one too.
I tasted my bitter tears at the back of my throat. Was decieving me really all that funny? I was sure he had a laugh. All this time... I felt something horrible - a horrible realization - grow inside me. I pushed my feet faster, denying it.No, I argued against the facts. No; he didn't lie! He wouldn't do that!
Behind me, I could hear him trying to catch up. My breath was getting caught in my throat, and my chest ached, but I didn't stop running. I came with a jeans too, and that made the run harder, but I didn't care. I'd have given anything to be well away from him.
The tears were spilling, wet and warm, across my cheeks. I could feel the momentom pulling them back across my neck.
"Wait! Carole!" Seth called out, becoming dangerously close.
All my thoughts roared up, filling my head. I started crying out loud now too, embarassing loud wails escaping my mouth. My side hurt and I was sweating and uncomfortable. I slowed down to a walk, gulping the air, still half wailing. Seth caught up with a slight jog. He wiped his brow, pushing the out grown hair back. I'd told him about a million times to get it cut. He never listened.
He caught my hand, the hazel eyes desperate. His hand was warm and sweaty from the run. I could feel his pulse beating from our interwined hands. My thoughts went dead quiet.
"...Hate..." I said through my tears as our hands touched. I couldn't stand it that my voice was swallowed by my tears. "I hate you!" I cried. I hated the way my face looked when I was crying, but I didn't care now. Seth's hand slipped from mine. I turned around and started running again.
This time he didn't follow.
I ran straight into my room, and burried my head in my pillow. "Liar," I whispered at the thin air. "You're such a liar."
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139,735 Literary Works • 672,669 Reviews
I like this! Sometimes when I read a short story it can be quite slow, but this kept my attention through the whole thing.
I only spotted a few mistakes which the above reviewers already pointed out, so I won't.
You should write something to go along with it, I really want to know what Seth lied about!
Roe
I agree that there was a very good hook to this. I'm really curios about what happens next.
The thing that stood out a bit too much was the crying. If you'd put yourself in the mind of the character a bit more perhaps you could have thought of some other ways to describe the feeling. I guess it just sounded a little narrative- this happened, I felt this, then I did this and he did that- kind of thing.
"Tasting tears in the back of her throat"... I can understand if the tears got onto her lips and in her mouth, but it just seems a little odd. Maybe I'm thinking of it too literally.
"Becoming dangerously close" should either be 'coming' or 'getting,' becoming implies a change from one thing into another, not a gradual change.
I'd say this is a great start, there's certainly much reason to keep writing
-Ten
Great story! You really described her emotions with just the right amount of description and didn't over do it.
Just a few things i picked up:
1)
Try and not start the sentences with "and" or "but", don't use eclipses and hypens. You use the eclipses about 3 times during the story. So instead of saying the above, say:
2)
Don't start the sentence with "because". Try combining these two sentences.
3)
Just a minor thing, but i think you mean: "I was wearing jeans too."
Other then these few things, it made a great story. Keep up the good work.
This is fantastic start to the story. On of the most important parts of writing is to show, and not tell, the reader what is happening. You have done this really well, and I want to read more!
mean? It's just a typo, but it could ruin the flow of an otherwise very good storyOne thing- what does
I like this, its a really perfect start!
It left me with questions in my head and I really want them answered!
I would like to see this story carried on.
Its very powerful and awesome!
This is a great start to a new and exciting story!
keep it up and keep writing!
You are really good at it!