My heart was beating so loudly in my chest; I thought it should burst out. I pushed through the doors, urging my feet forward. I could feel the momentum pulling back my long hair, sweat dripping from my forehead. Just a bit more…
I ran straight into the room full of expectant people, the door opening with a bang. Talk about a flashy entrance. The small church I've known since I was four was decorated nicely, large bows made of some see through fabric stuck to the seats. It always had that light, welcoming glow to it, like when Dad preached. Only now, it felt really menacing. The people in the seats dressed even nicer. All the eyes were on me, piercing – normally it would've made me extremely uncomfortable, but now I didn't mind them. I minded only one person. Him. At last.
The face I waited to see was twisted in an uncharacteristic grimace. It was funny seeing his golden hair all combed like that.
Mathew looked miserable.
Even if I felt a little guilty before, all those feelings vanished now. Mathew was unhappy – how could that ever be a good thing?
He was standing at the altar, forced into a stuffy tuxedo that looked good on him – though I knew he hated it. He never wore suits or tuxes or anything. Just jeans and a T shirt were perfect for him.
His clear blue eyes met mine, and I skidded to a halt. I breathed heavily, suddenly embarrassed of the sweat and my loud breathing. I was wearing my favorite pair of jeans – for good luck – and an old T-shirt that has seen better days. Ridiculous as that may sound, I felt a little underdressed. Besides, what was the proper attire for breaking into a wedding and stealing the groom? Hesitantly, I gestured with my head at the door.
A small smile stretched across Mathew's mouth. He spoke what we both thought at that moment. "Finally," he said, jumping down from the altar. He turned around to wave at the surprised priest. I tried hard not to laugh. He grabbed my hand, and I could feel his warm fingers lacing through mine. Mathew looked at one of the aisles briefly. "I told you I'm not marrying her, Mom. Tell Courtney I'm sorry."
People were starting to get up from their chairs, murmurs spreading like fire. I tugged on his hand. "Mathew," I hissed.
He looked at me once, ruffling my dark hair. "Thanks for coming," he whispered.
And we started running, away from the chapel, away from everyone and everything until we reached the parking lot. The church had to be stuck in the middle of the park – I know, completely crazy, right? – so we were safe. For now. I couldn't stop my heavy breathing.
Mathew grinned at me, my favorite wide smile. "We made it!" His voice had an exuberant edge to it. He held me from under my arms, like you hold a toddler, and swung me around. "We made it!" he shouted again.
Despite my breathlessness, I giggled as the world swirled around me. It was good to see him this happy. It felt good.
He put me down, gripping my hand again. I was the one to break the hold between our hands first, leaning down on my knees as an excuse. "You have to hurry," I reminded him. I heard footsteps coming from the parking space and didn't look up. I knew what my older sister's footsteps sounded like.
She flew straight in to his arms.
I glanced down at my feet, trying to pretend the scene was not breaking my heart. Even with the familiar, numb ache in my chest, I really was happy for them. I knew how much Natalie loved Mathew. I knew he would make her happy, that he would take good care of her and that she would do the same in return. Of course I knew: they'd been the perfect couple for two years now.
It didn't matter that I saw him first. It didn't matter I talked to him first, that I fell in love first. None of that mattered, and why should it? They were prefect for each other. I pretended that knowledge did not run through me like a knife.
I tried to give them some space, fidgeting to the side. After a few minutes, I thought it was necessary to look up. Anne had tears running down her pink cheeks. Her green eyes glistened with joy."I can't believe it," she said as she cried silently.
Mathew rested his cheek on the top of her head, his eyes closed. "Forever and ever, Babe. That's how long we're stuck together."
Tears burned my throat. Okay, so I looked up too quickly. I stuck my gaze on a certain spot in the concrete. Oh, please let this terrible moment be over…
Suddenly my sister's fragile arms were around me. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, Becky! You're the best little sister in the whole world!"
I giggled a little, resting my head on her shoulder. "You know I am," I agreed, working to keep the bitter edge out of my tone. After two entire years of practice, I was becoming quite good. I hugged her back for one instant, putting all my emotions into the hug. Then I took in a big breath. "Okay, now go. You'll miss the train. You." I looked up at Mathew.
He was doing what I was doing before: looking down to give us time alone. When he heard me addressing him, he looked up, his deep blue eyes throwing me off balance. I cleared my throat, trying to get my thoughts back on track.
"Your parents are going to look all over for you two. Go to Vegas now." Mathew nodded reflexively. I kissed my sister's wet cheek. She didn't break the hug, still holding me close. I smiled weakly. "Sorry I can't be your maid of honor. Send me pics from the wedding, 'Kay? I love you."
She squeezed me harder, a little sob breaking through. "I love you too, baby sister," she said, stifling a sob.
I handed her to Mathew, feeling a little like I'd just lost something important. I was surprised to find my eyes brimming with tears. "Take good care of her," I said, even though I knew he would. Mathew nodded, eyes bright, but he wasn't looking at me. He was looking at Natalie. Even now. After all this time. I couldn't help the little breaking sounds my heart made inside me. I wiped my tears anyways, acting as if I'm brave.
Natalie waved at me behind her back as they ran to the car.
I heard the engine come to life in my sister's old bug, and they were off. I sat on the concrete, the warm spring wind blowing across my face, almost as if it was trying to comfort me. "Well, shit," I said and started crying.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Hello, Ofir.
This was really well written! I love the plot of this story. At first, I though Becky and Matt were going to be together and then, out of nowhere, comes her sister. I feel really sorry for Becky, her sister's getting the guy that she loves. That really sucks. Your last line was genius, but I would like to see her express more emotion when they leave. Other than that, I've nothing bad to say. Your description was super and I think you portrayed your characters really well. Okay, I'm off!
ReisePiecey!
I loved this!!!! It wasn't really original because of the whole "I feel for my sister's boyfriend" thing-- and I've read something like that before. But It was original frm the whole idea with the marriage. I really enjoyed reading this!
I agree with the writers above me though so do the edits thaht they mentioned!
Keep Writing!
Nike
P.S.-- if you add more parts, PM me. please!
Hey Ofir! I promised a review and here it is. Alright, this is going to be a rough one so be prepared
This sentence should be reworded and maybe add a few stronger words. How about this:
My heart thumped against my chest with such force I thought it was going to burst out. (Better?)
I pictured the momentum part just fine, I actually like the way you worded that for some reason. I just think you should add an 'and' after hair instead of the comma. It would flow better.
The door opens first then she sees the expectant people. Switch the order of the two
Gah! I was thinking she was the bride and then, wham, she's going to steal the groom?! Nice turnabout.
No comma after hand.
I think it would sound better if you used with after me instead of the comma.
Ack, you did it again. I thought they were the couple! It was her sister?!
Now things are getting complicated... I feel bad for her, aw.
there are ways to make a piece flow better. This sentence I'll use as an example. You already explained she was tearing up so you don't have to add the cried silently part, you see what I mean? It's being repetitive in a case. Instead I would just use the main sentence only or just the word whimpered or cried since you haven't actually 'used' the word cried. Uhh, sort of like: Anne had tears running down her pink cheeks and her eyes glistened with joy. "I can't believe it," she whimpered.
Cried sounds more loud while whimpered sounds a little softer, that's why I used whimper but you are free to use whatever word you want haha.
I noticed that you use a lot of commas when you don't need them. In this sentence just use with.
Mathew rested his cheeks on top of her head with his eyes closed. See it flows so much better!
I know that feeling! Oh man, I feel so horrible for her!
Threw me off balance. Remember which tense you're writing in. Past or present.Throwing is present, threw is past.
I liked her curse, honestly I would be going crazy at this point and I don't blame her. Although try to expand her emotion at this point. She just raided a wedding, stole the groom, lost the love of her life. You can't just say she started crying and end it there. Slowly work her emotions out.
"Well, shit," I mouthed. My eyes began to tear and I felt my stomach drop as I watched them drive away. I tried to swallow the bad taste in my mouth but with no avail. Instead, I crouched down, putting my head between my legs and a sob broke through my throat. Tears were now cascading down my cheeks and my breathing increased rapidly to the point where I choked. This was all so unfair, blah blah blah.
(You know, something like that.)
__________________________________________
Overall
You had a couple mistakes here and there but the main problem I see is the flow of your piece and the commas. If you learn to correctly use commas I bet you could do pretty well. Also, instead of using emotional descriptions like, she cried, smiled, grinned and frowned use more body language. Her eyes darted to the floor, her knuckles tightened, he bit his finger nails. Using body language is just as effective or even more than using those simple words such as smiled and laughed. Vary them up a little.
I'm not going to rant on your characters because I don't know them yet. I mean you can't describe such delicate emotions so easily, there are many reasons people do the things they do and sometimes they don't even know why. Plus, this is only the first chapter, I'm sure the more I read and more I get into the actual story, their feeling will come to me slowly, just like getting to know a person. You can't just meet them for a few minutes and know what they're thinking all the time. Getting to know characters is the same as getting to know a person, one chapter just isn't a enough.
I love your plot, by the way. You kept surprising me and I loved it. Keep that part up!
I actually want to know what's going to happen to Becky, will she meet someone new while she's chasing after Mathew? Or will they actually be together in the end? Will her sister turn against her whens she finds out or will she give Mathew to her? There are so many possibilities!
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this, work on the things I mentioned above and add some pop to your story and I'm sure it'll turn out awesome.
Keep it up, Ofir!
~Pink
P.S. PM me if you have any questions or whatever, I'd love to help out
Hey there Ofir
my name's Eddie and I'm gonna' take a stab at reviewing this for you today.
#FF0000 ">Red - Mistakes ; #00FF00 ">Green - Corrections ; #FF00FF ">Pink - Suggestions - ;#8000FF "> Purple - Things I Liked
This sentence needs a little cleaning up. #FF00FF ">'He was standing at the altar, forced into a stuffy tuxedo that strangely looked good on him. Then again, Mathew could look good in almost anything. Even his usual attire of jeans and a T-shirt.'
I have to stop here to tell you how much I loved the twist! It really threw me, and was so unexpected that it really worked. So well done!
Absolutely love these few ending lines.
This was a very well written piece, I found very few mistakes and typos so good job for that. Your writing drew me in instantly, and as before mentioned I absolutely loved the twist. It was nice how it wasn't obvious at all. Things to work on I'd say a little more characterisation, although I understand what your MC's motivations were I wasn't all that sure about her personality and character. Work on rephrasing a few of those awkward sounding sentences, and its not a bad idea to check a thesaurus from time to time when you find yourself using the same words.
Good luck!
xo
Hey Ofir.
I like the beginning of the story. The reader is informed of how nervous the MC is to be doing whatever she's doing.
After that I kind of got lost. I knew she was crashing into a weeding to steal the groom, but why? Why was it that only when the groom saw her did he decide that he wasn't marrying whomever he was supposed to be marrying. If he had the courage to stand in front of an entire congregation and call off a wedding I'm sure he could simply say to his bride that he didn't want to get married.
Then I kind of got back into the story. I felt kind of sorry for the MC stealing a guy only to give him to her sister.That was sort of my favorite part of it all. The ending seems kind of abrupt and really sad. I liked it except from the couple of hitches on the road.
Keep Writing.
Anger