I actually liked this poem. It showed the emotion pretty well; more so a battle of anger versus confusion versus care for the person, I suppose. But either way, it was good. I did, however, find that your rhyme scheme was occasionally unpredictable. You kept the rhyme scheme consistent for parts of it and then it would change. Unfortunately, this throws off the rhythm and takes away from the power of the poem.
#4000FF ">I can’t stop thinking about your eyelashes, smile, your unruly strands of hair
The small gestures that show me you care, (these two lines rhyme. Fine, good)
#BF0000 ">Not only for me, but for everyone
And you have this thing, that when you look into the distance,
You shine like the sun (but you take three lines to rhyme here. And I personally think you could've done a bit better on this section)
#4000FF ">And you can never seem to see that, just how bright you are (get rid of "that")
And your beautiful eyes can see so far (you only take two lines to rhyme here. This would be good if you kept this pattern throughout the whole thing, but you take two lines to rhyme from now on... the middle rhyme, the 3-liner, doesn't fit)
You see the inconsistency? D:
Suggestion: change the middle part to something like "Not only for me, but for everyone
No matter what happens, you shine like the sun." That probably wasn't the best suggestion, but, well... I tried.
For the most part the rhythm is good as well but there are some inconsistent spots that made me cringe, simply because they took away from the really good parts of the poem! D: Try to keep the lines consistent in length/syllables.
I liked how you started and ended the poem the same way, well done. Except for the few inconsistencies, I loved it, so good job! Keep writing.
Points: 1946
Reviews: 53
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