Thank you so much for the Feature! It means the world to me to hear how much you liked it, and how it moved you. Thank you so much! I am carefully considering all of your advice and comments, so editing is taking some time - but I'm paying attention to every detail, so don't fret! Thanks for the support and kind words! - Ofir
You're too innocent, I so often think I don't know why; Must be the way you blink, With your eyes too big and wide Looking for beauty in everything, Even if that beauty tries to hide.
You can't carry yourself out there, I worry about that a lot; The world is so dangerous And I'm scared you'll get caught: Caught by evil bandits, Or caught by some loser with a car I'm scared that you'll leave me one day, That I won't know where you are.
The world is so cruel and you're so kind And the worst part is, if the world takes advantage of you, I know you won't mind Because you've helped, made it all better, soothed every wound You're like a puppy and everyone else is a bloodthirsty hound.
Yet still, you believe, blinded by your own stupid faith That no matter what, people are good deep inside; That no matter what they do, you are safe. You whistle to flowers your favorite show tunes; You laugh when rain falls in the long summer afternoons; You blush when autumn wind caresses your cheek; My God, do you even know you make me so weak?
But the world, it isn't perfect, and I'm afraid you'll find out Children are starving, people scream, people shout People kill each other all the time, There are horrible things in the world, Like wars and crime Like grey streets, humiliation, pain It's enough to drive me insane
But you... so sincere, so soft and pure You don't know all this, yet you seem so sure And I love you, I love you so much that I'll lie I'll make it so that you won't know of the world's ugliness So that you don't have to cry.
I won't back down when you ask me, "Why?" I won't tell you the truth, no matter how much you try Because I know it will hurt you beyond all repair To realize that living, that life, isn't fair. For you, my love, I promise to lie. I'll tell you some things were just meant to die.
I liked this poem, it was cute. But, it didn't get really passionate until the last stanza. I can see the hints of romance intertwined in this piece, but in a real good poem, it's a little more explicit through out the poem. I liked how you also rhymed but, there were some cases where it only rhymed because of the spelling or the way it was pronounced. The places where it only rhymed because of the spelling threw me off, and the other cases were okay. But, I seriously think this would be even better if it were a little more free verse, but that's completely up to the author. Overall, I enjoyed this poem, it was interesting, and the passion that I saw was flawless! Keep on writing!
Hi!! Oh god I cried when I read this, and I havent cried since I broke my arm in Kindy!!!! I applaude no,no I WORSHIP you for making me cry. And for some reason, when I read it, I get flashbacks to Vampire Knight... Anyway, this is very well written Good Job!!!!!!!
I've wanted to review this for some time, but everytime my fingers strike the keys, I look up to only find vitriol.
It's not you, I swear. Hell, it may not even be the poem. I just don't think a work of this calibre warrants such attention. But praise continues to pile, and days pass without a slip from the featured ranks. And none of the criticalsenior members of the site, those who trawl the poetry forums appraising work such as this, seem to have reviewed this. So I will do my best to offer you a critique, and hopefully shed a little light. I will begin -- as I do -- by disclaiming expertise, I am no poet. In addition, poetry is a whisper, a thought, a moment, it's not always going to appeal to others, sometimes the best poetry doesn't and dare-I-say vice-versa.
So, to the poem itself. I won't do a line by line, because any errors are reoccurring.
Writers, especially poets, mold the future of language. We must always find unique and better ways to say things, we must avoid the old, worn lines. This is why clichés hurt. And they aren't so easy to spot, sometimes it is a matter of saying things the same old way, when a new exciting way is available -- you just haven't thought of it yet. Part of me thinks you got lazy at times, but I think you just require an outside perspective to really weed out these little issues. So I will list the lines that could do with another look, some head scratching, some trial and error.
Looking for beauty in everything, Even if that beauty
I would as soon see any thing else here. When I think 'beauty' I don't think much at all, it doesn't offer me any insight into what the subject is searching for. It's vague, in a way, and rather worn.
The world is so dangerous
There is a much better way of saying this. This is almost as cliche as saying 'the world is so dark.'
won't mind
'wow, it rhymes, brilliant!!1!' But really, don't say it because it rhymes. It's not so bad, many of the rhymes you get away with, but here it just doesn't do. You can show us, I know you want to maintain this childish (and at times, condescending) tone, but please avoid infantile/simple lines. It costs you an authentic original voice.
people are good deep inside
I'm not sure if this is a matter of sticking to your rhyme scheme or? but why say 'deep inside?' Why? It's cliché, talking about surface and depth, to begin with but I really don't understand why you included those two little words? If you are writing for us, the reader, consider us as you write, what are we going to take from each line? Can you trim a little fat? Is it conveying any important information or image? No.
People kill each other all the time
You knew it was coming, like the bump after a opossum flashes in your headlights. All the time cliché, and contributes nothing, absolutely nothing. Again I believe this was forced in, to appease this structure/scheme you have going.
you make me so weak?
How so? Does she make you wide eyed at midnight? does she make your feeble and scared? does she make your chest heave against the uncertainty? I'm smarting for an image, it's like a love letter so far. But a love letter written by a paranoid father, as opposed to the great poet you are.
Like grey streets, humiliation, pain It's enough to drive me insane
And this is the closest we get. First line, great. Second line, well I won't continue. (It's dreadful bad)
beyond all repair
Another cliché.
life is unfair
And one last one for good measure.
So. There it is. You can win praise and attention, with silly rhymes and pecks on the cheek, or you can leave a resounding image, a cattle brand, deep in the readers psyche. Something hurting and bitter, something that they want to forget, before they doze off. I think the biggest issue with this, other than the glaring clichés, is they way you force rhymes. Rhymes aren't the end, they are the means. You really must remember why you write poetry, it isn't to rhyme car and are I hope.
PM me if you have any concerns, or if you want examples etc. I really hope I wasn't too harsh. But trust me you needed this.
Amazing Amazing poem. I felt every word of it, and it was completely relatable. The flow came so naturally although I did stumble on the 'hound' rhyming thing but that was virtually it. The poem makes me want to go write my own right now! But all in all I really enjoyed it and I would love to see your others works!
Beautiful. It reminds me of a past relationship, so filled with lies to conceal what was never meant to be concealled. If this is written for someone- like the girl depicted in your poem, she'll grow and mature, because some lies are meant to die.
wow. epic. My hairs were standing on end throughout every verse, I hung onto every word. It reminds me a little bit of the system of a down song lost in hollywood. I'd advise a listen if you haven't heard it, I can imagine it being the soundtrack to this situation. I'm thoroughly impressed, you just served me up with a jar of emotion, raw and pure. That was real like, proper real. Whoever the poems aimed at, show them. They must be hell of a muse. I love the way you used the description, it's perfect. I'm struggling to find words like, there's nothing I can say. Mind blowing. It's accessable, honest, relatable and heart wrenching, beautifully sad. The way you convey the innocence of the subject and the fear of what the world'll do to them is beautiful. Well done. If all of your work is like this, I'll be offended and at a loss if I don't get PM'd to read more. wow. I'm speechless and in awe.
I thought this was really, really good. The words flowed, and it was clear that there was a lot of thought and emotion put into it. I thought that the imagery in this poem was really vivid, and in general it just left me pleased.
aw....I love the poem! It's so cute and full of emotions. Actually, my eyes got blurred while reading this especially the last part - the lines that says you'll do everything even lying so he won't just cry aw...so sweet! I like it sooooo much! xD
I thought that the poem was beautiful. I was drawn in immediately by the lines, and I felt really moved by the poem. I felt a connection to the sentiment, because I know how it feels to want to lie to someone (even myself) when reality is too ugly to face. I don't have much to say beyond how amazing the poem is. I think your word choice is great and adds to the meaning and flow of the poem.The rhyming is also a nice addition, even if there isn't a strict rhyme scheme. It doesn't sound forced at all! There were a few areas where some lines felt a little too short or too long, and that detracted a bit from the immersion. This is the one stanza where I felt like the lines could be reworked a bit.
The world is so cruel and you're so kind And the worst part is, if the world takes advantage of you, I know you won't mind Because you've helped, made it all better, soothed every wound You're like a puppy and everyone else is a bloodthirsty hound.
The lengths are a bit funny, and the rhyme of wound/ hound is a bit off. You could try breaking it up a bit into more lines. One thing you could try for the last line would be "You're a puppy, and everyone else, hounds." These are just suggestions, of course. As it is now, it is beautiful, emotional, and just amazing in general. ~Caitlin
I really like your rhyme scheme, and the overall poem. It was really good. There were places where the flow wasn't perfect, but I guess in a way that fit in with the idea that there's evil in the world.It isn't all good and flowers and happiness. Anyway, just had to let you know this is basically awesome.
You're too innocent, I so often think I don't know why; Must be be the way you blink, you used be twice in a row With you eyes too big and wide Looking for beauty in everything, Even if that beauty tries to hide.
What a great poem! There are poems and stories that will stick with me to the end, and this is one of them! I saw a few mistakes as well, but others have already pointed them out so I don't feel any need to repeat it. Keep on writing! If you are not yet, I know you will be a great writer!
Heeeey Ofir!! =) How are you doing today? Hope you're doing fine XD I'm going to try and give you a good review here. And just ignore this if it doesn't make sense lol XD I normally don't make sense when I babble that's why I'll stop that now!! *ahem*
Okay so let's go to your poem XD Before I'm going to the nitpicks I first want to talk about the poem itself. I really like it! So at first when I figured out what the subject was, I was like: oh no this might go cliche OO But as soon as I really started to read your poem that thought started to disappear. (wow it took me quite a while to write that last word the right way OO...anyway back to the poem XD) It wasn't cliche and that totally made me happy! yay XD And I've always liked that subject anyway XD You have a really cute and awesome poem here. I suggest you take out the grammatical errors and it'll be even more awesome! lol
Okay now to the nitpicks! (don't worry, I won't be harsh =))
You're too innocent, I so often think I don't know why; Must be be the way you blink, With your eyes too big and wide Looking for beauty in everything, Even if that beauty tries to hide.
Okay that was all! See, I wasn't harsh XD This totally made me think about someone and that is always a good sign. Means you've worded it good! Keep writing! -qaralynn-
This was beautiful! I loved every word of it! I did find a few nit picky things though
ofir wrote:You're too innocent, I so often think I don't know why; Must be be the way you blink, With your eyes too big and wide just a simple typo. everything else is fine
ofir wrote:You can't carry yourself out thereI would leave out the 'out there'. , I worry about that a lot;also I would just have it as 'I worry a lot' The world is so dangerous And I'm scared you'll get caught: Caught by evil bandits, Or caught by some loser with a car I'm scared that you'll leave me one day, That I won't know where you are.
ofir wrote:Because you've helped, made it all better, soothed every wound You're like a puppy and everyone else is a bloodthirsty hound.
This part just doesn't rhyme. I don't know if you were trying to make it rhyme though
ofir wrote:You laugh when rain falls inthe long summer afternoons;
here, I would just take out the 'the' and also change the 'in' to 'on' making it 'you laugh when rain falls on long summer afternoons'
ofir wrote:Like wars and crime
I would change this to 'like wars and like crime
That's all I found wrong! Other than that, this was beautiful. Just phenomenal! I loved every minute of it! The ending gave me chills Keep writing! BRAVO
Hi! I really liked this poem. When I first read the title, I was expecting a morally wrong narrator that was...well...a liar. But when I read the poem and realize he was lying to protect the girl's innocence, everything changed. It was so sweet yet sad, because truthfully she can't stay innocent forever no matter how hard he tries. What I'm basically trying to say is that the emotion in this poem really rang through, which is especially impressive considering that it rhymes. A lot of feeling in rhyming poems is lost in the process of trying to make words fit, so kudos to you! However, if I were you I'd go back and read over the poem again to see where the rhyming disrupts the flow. There were just one or two times when the words didn't quite rhyme (such as "wound" and "hound") or phrases felt too long or short. So yeah, read it over again, and make some corrections. Overall though, this poem was stunning! Hope this helped and keep writing!
Wow. I really did find myself speechless after reading this. Why? It's sooo so so so good. Nothing was wrong and thw words flowed effortlessly off the page. Even I don't know how to review this poem. Three likes and no one reviewed so I thought I might as well give it a shot. Only to find that even if I gave it a shot, I wouldn't be able to review it. Interestingly enough, this is my review. Haha. I only just realized that. I don't have any constructive things to tell you, and honestly I don't think anyone will. This piece deserves to be published. You truly do have a gift.
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I am carefully considering all of your advice and comments, so editing is taking some time - but I'm paying attention to every detail, so don't fret! Thanks for the support and kind words! - Ofir
I liked this poem, it was cute. But, it didn't get really passionate until the last stanza. I can see the hints of romance intertwined in this piece, but in a real good poem, it's a little more explicit through out the poem. I liked how you also rhymed but, there were some cases where it only rhymed because of the spelling or the way it was pronounced. The places where it only rhymed because of the spelling threw me off, and the other cases were okay. But, I seriously think this would be even better if it were a little more free verse, but that's completely up to the author. Overall, I enjoyed this poem, it was interesting, and the passion that I saw was flawless! Keep on writing!
Hi!!
Oh god I cried when I read this, and I havent cried since I broke my arm in Kindy!!!!
I applaude no,no I WORSHIP you for making me cry. And for some reason, when I read it, I get flashbacks to Vampire Knight...
Anyway, this is very well written Good Job!!!!!!!
I've wanted to review this for some time, but everytime my fingers strike the keys, I look up to only find vitriol.
It's not you, I swear. Hell, it may not even be the poem. I just don't think a work of this calibre warrants such attention. But praise continues to pile, and days pass without a slip from the featured ranks. And none of the
criticalsenior members of the site, those who trawl the poetry forums appraising work such as this, seem to have reviewed this. So I will do my best to offer you a critique, and hopefully shed a little light. I will begin -- as I do -- by disclaiming expertise, I am no poet. In addition, poetry is a whisper, a thought, a moment, it's not always going to appeal to others, sometimes the best poetry doesn't and dare-I-say vice-versa.So, to the poem itself. I won't do a line by line, because any errors are reoccurring.
Writers, especially poets, mold the future of language. We must always find unique and better ways to say things, we must avoid the old, worn lines. This is why clichés hurt. And they aren't so easy to spot, sometimes it is a matter of saying things the same old way, when a new exciting way is available -- you just haven't thought of it yet. Part of me thinks you got lazy at times, but I think you just require an outside perspective to really weed out these little issues. So I will list the lines that could do with another look, some head scratching, some trial and error.
I would as soon see any thing else here. When I think 'beauty' I don't think much at all, it doesn't offer me any insight into what the subject is searching for. It's vague, in a way, and rather worn.
There is a much better way of saying this. This is
almostas cliche as saying 'the world is so dark.''wow, it rhymes, brilliant!!1!' But really, don't say it because it rhymes. It's not so bad, many of the rhymes you get away with, but here it just doesn't do. You can show us, I know you want to maintain this childish (and at times, condescending) tone, but please avoid infantile/simple lines. It costs you an authentic original voice.
I'm not sure if this is a matter of sticking to your rhyme scheme or? but why say 'deep inside?' Why? It's cliché, talking about surface and depth, to begin with but I really don't understand why you included those two little words? If you are writing for us, the reader, consider us as you write, what are we going to take from each line? Can you trim a little fat? Is it conveying any important information or image? No.
You knew it was coming, like the bump after a opossum flashes in your headlights. All the time cliché, and contributes nothing, absolutely nothing. Again I believe this was forced in, to appease this structure/scheme you have going.
How so? Does she make you wide eyed at midnight? does she make your feeble and scared? does she make your chest heave against the uncertainty? I'm smarting for an image, it's like a love letter so far. But a love letter written by a paranoid father, as opposed to the great poet you are.
And this is the closest we get. First line, great. Second line, well I won't continue. (It's
dreadfulbad)Another cliché.
And one last one for good measure.
So. There it is. You can win praise and attention, with silly rhymes and pecks on the cheek, or you can leave a resounding image, a cattle brand, deep in the readers psyche. Something hurting and bitter, something that they want to forget, before they doze off. I think the biggest issue with this, other than the glaring clichés, is they way you force rhymes. Rhymes aren't the end, they are the means. You really must remember why you write poetry, it isn't to rhyme car and are I hope.
PM me if you have any concerns, or if you want examples etc. I really hope I wasn't too harsh. But trust me you needed this.
JP
(I will click 'like,' it ain't easy.)
Amazing Amazing poem. I felt every word of it, and it was completely relatable. The flow came so naturally although I did stumble on the 'hound' rhyming thing but that was virtually it. The poem makes me want to go write my own right now! But all in all I really enjoyed it and I would love to see your others works!
Beautiful. It reminds me of a past relationship, so filled with lies to conceal what was never meant to be concealled. If this is written for someone- like the girl depicted in your poem, she'll grow and mature, because some lies are meant to die.
wow. epic. My hairs were standing on end throughout every verse, I hung onto every word.
It reminds me a little bit of the system of a down song lost in hollywood. I'd advise a listen if you haven't heard it, I can imagine it being the soundtrack to this situation.
I'm thoroughly impressed, you just served me up with a jar of emotion, raw and pure. That was real like, proper real. Whoever the poems aimed at, show them. They must be hell of a muse.
I love the way you used the description, it's perfect. I'm struggling to find words like, there's nothing I can say.
Mind blowing. It's accessable, honest, relatable and heart wrenching, beautifully sad.
The way you convey the innocence of the subject and the fear of what the world'll do to them is beautiful.
Well done. If all of your work is like this, I'll be offended and at a loss if I don't get PM'd to read more.
wow. I'm speechless and in awe.
I thought this was really, really good. The words flowed, and it was clear that there was a lot of thought and emotion put into it. I thought that the imagery in this poem was really vivid, and in general it just left me pleased.
aw....I love the poem! It's so cute and full of emotions. Actually, my eyes got blurred while reading this especially the last part - the lines that says you'll do everything even lying so he won't just cry
aw...so sweet! I like it sooooo much! xD
I thought that the poem was beautiful. I was drawn in immediately by the lines, and I felt really moved by the poem. I felt a connection to the sentiment, because I know how it feels to want to lie to someone (even myself) when reality is too ugly to face.
I don't have much to say beyond how amazing the poem is. I think your word choice is great and adds to the meaning and flow of the poem.The rhyming is also a nice addition, even if there isn't a strict rhyme scheme. It doesn't sound forced at all! There were a few areas where some lines felt a little too short or too long, and that detracted a bit from the immersion.
This is the one stanza where I felt like the lines could be reworked a bit.
The lengths are a bit funny, and the rhyme of wound/ hound is a bit off. You could try breaking it up a bit into more lines. One thing you could try for the last line would be "You're a puppy, and everyone else, hounds."
These are just suggestions, of course. As it is now, it is beautiful, emotional, and just amazing in general.
~Caitlin
Reminds me of Tangled.
I really like your rhyme scheme, and the overall poem. It was really good. There were places where the flow wasn't perfect, but I guess in a way that fit in with the idea that there's evil in the world.It isn't all good and flowers and happiness. Anyway, just had to let you know this is basically awesome.
You're too innocent, I so often think
I don't know why;
Must be be the way you blink, you used be twice in a row
With you eyes too big and wide
Looking for beauty in everything,
Even if that beauty tries to hide.
What a great poem! There are poems and stories that will stick with me to the end, and this is one of them! I saw a few mistakes as well, but others have already pointed them out so I don't feel any need to repeat it. Keep on writing! If you are not yet, I know you will be a great writer!
Heeeey Ofir!! =)
How are you doing today? Hope you're doing fine XD I'm going to try and give you a good review here. And just ignore this if it doesn't make sense lol XD I normally don't make sense when I babble that's why I'll stop that now!! *ahem*
Okay so let's go to your poem XD Before I'm going to the nitpicks I first want to talk about the poem itself. I really like it! So at first when I figured out what the subject was, I was like: oh no this might go cliche OO
But as soon as I really started to read your poem that thought started to disappear. (wow it took me quite a while to write that last word the right way OO...anyway back to the poem XD)
It wasn't cliche and that totally made me happy! yay XD And I've always liked that subject anyway XD You have a really cute and awesome poem here. I suggest you take out the grammatical errors and it'll be even more awesome! lol
Okay now to the nitpicks! (don't worry, I won't be harsh =))
Okay that was all! See, I wasn't harsh XD
This totally made me think about someone and that is always a good sign. Means you've worded it good!
Keep writing!
-qaralynn-
This was beautiful! I loved every word of it! I did find a few nit picky things though
I would change this to 'like wars and like crimeThat's all I found wrong! Other than that, this was beautiful. Just phenomenal! I loved every minute of it! The ending gave me chills
Hi!
However, if I were you I'd go back and read over the poem again to see where the rhyming disrupts the flow. There were just one or two times when the words didn't quite rhyme (such as "wound" and "hound") or phrases felt too long or short. So yeah, read it over again, and make some corrections. Overall though, this poem was stunning! Hope this helped and keep writing! 
I really liked this poem. When I first read the title, I was expecting a morally wrong narrator that was...well...a liar. But when I read the poem and realize he was lying to protect the girl's innocence, everything changed. It was so sweet yet sad, because truthfully she can't stay innocent forever no matter how hard he tries. What I'm basically trying to say is that the emotion in this poem really rang through, which is especially impressive considering that it rhymes. A lot of feeling in rhyming poems is lost in the process of trying to make words fit, so kudos to you!
Wow. I really did find myself speechless after reading this. Why? It's sooo so so so good. Nothing was wrong and thw words flowed effortlessly off the page. Even I don't know how to review this poem. Three likes and no one reviewed so I thought I might as well give it a shot. Only to find that even if I gave it a shot, I wouldn't be able to review it. Interestingly enough, this is my review. Haha. I only just realized that. I don't have any constructive things to tell you, and honestly I don't think anyone will. This piece deserves to be published. You truly do have a gift.