this is my brother's work, he's publishing it through my account. It means a lot to him, so reviews and critiques are welcome!
Twilight
The Twilight Comes Now
The Sun is Bathed in Golden Drops
'till The Night Takes Them
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
'Tis simple and elegant; I love it. For once, I really don't think it should be longer: It would ruin the uniqueness this poem has. It seems to be written in a way that stands out among others. Wonderful style too. I found this piece to be more like food you get at a fancy restaurant; tiny portions, but absolutely stunning taste
I agree with June, though. About the sun thing. i was a little confused; the sun normally bathes things in gold, not being bathed. You could possibly do something about the sun and it's angle, or about how the sun seems to look larger than normal at twilight, but I love it just the way it is. I'm just tossing out options here. Just wanted to second her opinions.
Also! The capitalization seems to be another unique thing. Normally, poetry is only capitalized once in a while at the beginning letter; this I found wonderfully original. Originality is key dear
Keep writing more like this, Ofirs brother!
Perhaps an interesting piece about dawn? Hmm, the beginning another life in the world... I don't know, but you seem to do wonderful with that sort of poetry.
~April
Hi Ofir's-brother! I'm June!
Haiku is a tough type of poetry to nail, and I think you've done it quite well here.
This is wonderful.
For the sake of criticism, I'm going to pick a bit at your middle line here:
So, first, don't get me wrong, I love this. Only complaints I have are:
• The word "The" here beginning this line, dear. I understand that it's a necessary syllable and you need it there, but, you've began the opening line with "the" as well. The problem here is it feels like you're starting a whole knew whirl of ideas at us and when we should really, really be following with the continued thoughts from the previous line.
It's the usage of "the" that's doing this to us. Not saying that it's unacceptable or anything, but it just feels like a new idea is being introduced, dear.
• And, "Sun is bathed". To me, it kind of feels like the sun should be bathing stuff in golden drops rather than being bathed.
That's just my opinion, however, and in poetry--especially haiku-- it's always an amazing idea to try and present something in a new way, a new approach. Give us something new to think about; an original idea presented in a not-so-original way is always spectacular.
--
So, all of my complaints aside, this is a beautiful piece, dear. Keep up the good work!
I'd like to see more work like this!
Juniper
I really liked this!
Like Mars said, Haiku's are hard poems to do!
I quite like the theme of the poem as well
I especially like the second line although it has 8 syllables!
The sun is bathed in golden drops...
I think it's really nice
You can easily edit though, like Mars said,
Sun is bathed in golden drops
I personally think that punctuation isn't that important in haiku's but it matters to a lot of people, so that could be changed as well!
Overall, I really liked this haiku!
Well done
Meg xoxo
Hey, ofir's brother
The second line is too many syllables! Haikus go 5-7-5, and the middle line is 8! So you need to eliminate a syllable there.
Not all the words have to be capitalized, just the beginning. Lowercase every one of them except the first 'the.' Or, alternatively, you can make the first letter of every line capitalized. But not every word, please.
There's no punctuation here...at all. I think that's totally okay, because poetry doesn't always need punctuation, but in this case, I think it would help. What I suggest is to put a colon after the first line and then a full stop at the end, like so:
I like this. I always find haiku hard because you have to present a pretty image in so few syllables, you know? But I think you did a wonderful job here. I only have some technicalities to point out:
The twilight comes now:
sun is bathed in golden drops
'till the night takes them.
I also took out a word from the second line, to get rid of that extra syllable. Of course you can do whatever you want with it, just as long as it's 7 instead of 8. And bear in mind that poetry, especially haiku, doesn't have to follow proper sentence structure rules.
Keep writing!
-Mars