Crazy Man

I simply loved this! It was like you were telling me a story and i was drawn in. I felt like it was me talking to the man and seeing him go through all of his troubles. I could definitely jam to this and would love to hear in song.


"I lost my soul
to that rock n' roll
and I packed up my things
and I moved to the city
but I couldn't make it far
with no gas in my car
so I got out and started to walk..."


Keep it up, i think it should be a little more complex, but you have sincerity and emotion which doesn't even amount. Keep it up.

Hey octopi.
I like the idea, about the guy just kinda traveling with a guitar and kinda failing because of practicalities like gas and money and doubt. But.
You're going to have trouble getting it across if you don't use proper grammar. At least capitalize the beginnings of sentences. If you aren't sure which lines begin a sentence, capitalize the beginning of every line. It will make it a LOT easier to read. Some commas would also be appreciated at places.
Hmm, what I do like is...Some of your lines are so RANDOM! You'll say ten years have gone by, and then say so I picked up a guitar, not necessarily the logical response to time passing. Crazy man. The way some of the phrases flow together is good, but in maybe the first line of every stanza? Capitalize. See you around.

Hi, Camo!

I really like the theme you have in this song. It's really neat, and quite a sad story. There's also some really good imagery in here. Such a good song for the listener to relate to. The speaker's character is certainly present!

If I were to point something out, it would probably be the point of view. It's apparently in first-person, but about 75% of the song is in someone else's first person through dialogue. I think I'd recommend either keeping third-person or switching the first person PoV. Maybe even rewriting the song to correspond with the new point-of-view.

This would also effect the timeline this song follows. I got confused when it suddenly jumped ten years later. I'm still not quite sure where the speaker and the boy are right now in relation to the boy's life story. He seems to blame his life a lot on moving to LA, but I don't really know when the speaker first met him and why the speaker's relationship with this boy is important. I hope that makes some sense to you?

Content-wise, the last stanza didn't make much sense to me. xD Ten years later, his car's still out of gas? I think he'd have sold the car by then. It costs money to maintain a car! Lots of it, in fact. I also don't understand the quote it ended on, but this is because of the mixed up point-of-view I mentioned. Is that a quote in a quote in a song? Or just another quote in the song, and the previous quote wasn't closed? I don't know! xD *flail*

So that's really my own complaint right now. Clean it up so make the song more clear and understandable for the listener. Consider that the audience hears this via their ears, and audio comprehension is trickier than reading comprehension in general. Well done, though! Some tweaking and attention will shape this up more.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

thanks to you both for the comments
@mithrim96:
yes, I mean "stay" not "say". thanks for pointing that out, I wouldn't have noticed! same with the quotation marks. I'll edit it after I post this comment
@wordsandwishes:
thank you very much! Is there a reason you didn't like the ending? *just curious*

I could imagine this song playing in shops and on the radio all the time. Just a few things:

"He said to a stranger,
"I got no place to say"

Is this meant to be 'stay'? (in the third stanza)

I think some of the lines should begin with a capital and it might be a good idea to put commas in as well, but that's just me, it's fine to have the lines just kinda flow.

Also, you start the quotes from the 'crazy man' with a quotation mark but you don't close it off.

That's only grammatical though. I really love the actual words and that's what's important! I really loved the chorus line, it could get stuck in my head even without a melody! Nice work, I hope these lyrics make it somewhere...

I love this song! I'm a fan of rock music personally. It had a good beat and a good story. I loved it! I liked the 3rd and 2nd last stanzas the best" I lost my soul
to that rock n' roll
and I packed up my things
and I moved to the city
but I couldn't make it far
with no gas in my car
so I got out and started to walk...

I lost track of time,
and I lost my mind
making my money
singing on the streets
so I moved to LA
but I've got no place to stay
and five years worth of doubt sinking in

The only thing I didn't like about the song was the way it ended. Other than that it was good, conventions, flow and everything.

Overall I'd rate this 9/10

good work and keep writing!

w&w