{This was written a little over a year ago on my blog.}
when all feels desolate
remember that there is life just beyond your window
when all feels cold
remember that seasons come and go
when all feels dark
and sickening and sharp
remember that good things are yet to come.
when life is a torrent
of people and names
of sounds and of voices
all calling your name
when seas rise up higher
up over your head
remember that life goes on.
when you seek and don't find
or don't know what you need
when you can't see the light
but find misery
when the dreams have gone out
one by one like the stars
remember you're free
from the shackles and bars
when the feeling has dulled
remember the truth
when the memories are faded
remember your youth
when your heart's become jaded
remember yourself
and remember your first love again.
remember the one who stands and waits by the door
remember the one who seeks you more and more
remember your love from the days of your youth
remember the word.
and remember the truth.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
You could definitely go far babe!!
You could definitely go far babe!!
Heyo CapitalMonday here for a review for you! I would first like to say how you repeat the word remember at the end of this poem (and throughout the poem as well). Love also how you make the reader think about what would happen if you are feeling down or if you need something to make you think, this is what would happen if you remember the ones you lost or something.
Also how you want to be free and you feel free, but you still stuck behind bars and shackles of everything that was a memory you have so much to get rid of. The idea of this whole poem is to tell the reader that it is okay to think once again about the dark memories of your past since they might come in handy when you want to feel sad (or if you just want to remember their laugh or face)
Hope this makes sense! (Also Hope you enjoy!)
CapitalMonday
I really enjoyed reading this, I'm going through a bit of a dark period myself at the moment, so this poem was really helpful. Additionally, the continuous use of remember spurs the piece forward and gives it backbone.
The overall vague feel someone mentioned previously I understand and agree with to an extent; however, I like the fact you have left it quite abstract giving the reader the chance to interpret the poem in his or her personal way.
I like this, especially the title. It's good to read when you're feeling down.
However, it is really vague. Often it's okay if poems are vague, but since this kind of poem has been done so many times, you really stray into cliche images because it's so vague. That's the problem with your second and third stanzas - "seas rising higher" and "can't see the light" are both rather used.
What you have to do in those cases is take that overused imagery and find something new to do with it. Look at it differently, see how it applies to different things, find another way of wording it, etc.
You do that really well with "when the dreams have gone out / one by one like the stars." Dreams and stars are often associated with each other, but you make use of that in a way I haven't seen before, and I like it. More of that, please!
Also, your rhyme scheme is a little bit weird. Sometimes you have one, sometimes you don't. Your rhyme scheme can change from stanza to stanza, but if you're going to have any rhyming it should be in your entire piece, instead of just the last two stanzas. (I do like the rhyming of the last two stanzas, though.)
Finally, your last two stanzas are rather repetitive. The 'remember' part is fine, but you repeat 'youth' and 'truth' in both of them, and I think you should only do it once. You are letting your entire poem end on 'youth' and 'truth' - made even more powerful by their rhyming - so you shouldn't diminish it by them being a repeat of ideas from the above stanza.
Overall, this was fairly good, but be careful not to stray into cliches and repetition.
I love the repetition of "remember" in your poem! It really iterates (and urges the audience/reader) the theme of the poem, which I assume to be "remember the better days at your darkest moments." (Which I need this reminder desperately, sometimes.)
I think the structure of the poem flows smoothly overall, but here's some suggestions (but mostly out of personal preferences, so definitely take it with a grain of salt.)
I like the "when..., remember..." format you have going on in many of your stanzas, especially in stanza one and four. However, in stanza one, line 5-7 is "when... and..., remember..." whereas in stanza four, lines 5-7 is "when..., remember... and ...", which is a bit confusing since I'm not sure if you're going for repetition or not. (I might not be making sense because I'm really tired, though :/ )
Stanzas 1, 2, and 4 have 7 lines; but stanza 3 has 8 and stanza 5 has 5. Feel like there would be more unity if 3 has 7 lines too?
Either way, your examples are vivid and the diction is on point. I really enjoyed it. Hope this helps!
Thanks so much for your feedback!
It helps a lot.