Maryann woke up to the soft sound of rain hitting her bed room window. The sky out side was dark, cold, and sinister looking. She had a feeling that today wasn’t going to be a very good day. Besides the fact that she loved it when it rained, that Tuesday morning didn’t feel right. She was jumpy as she sat at her bureau to brush her wavy blonde hair. She felt that every movement she made was being watched by unseen eyes in a hiding spot that only her beholder knew about.
In Maryann’s one room apartment everything was close together. Leaving no room for intruders to hide, except for in the closet and the bathroom. That’s probably why Maryann decided to get a one room apartment. To leave no room for any of the intruders that she so fearfully worried would get into her home and hide in waiting for her. And then sentence her to the same fate that her beloved mother and father had so unknowingly walked into on what seemed to be a calm Sunday morning seven years back.
After she had brushed her hair she did her usual routine of looking for any prowlers who could have effortlessly broken into her home while she was sleeping. And then watch her for a few hours in silent waiting. Then go and take cover in a secretive hiding spot that would have to be thoroughly searched for to be found. Last when she would wake up, at her most vulnerable, her intruder would leap upon her in a strange insanity that only he knew, and kill her in cold blood.
Even though to most people Maryann’s ethics may sound a bit like she had one to many cups of tea with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare, they made complete and utter sense to her.
~~~
She walked over to her closet, the last place she hadn’t checked in her house inspection. She found that one of the French doors to her closet had not been closed all the way. This was strange because she always closed both doors, to make sure that the appearance of the small one room apartment looked nice and not trashy. Seeing that the door was open Maryann walked over to her bed, and grabbed a baseball bat that she kept under her bed for emergencies. Slowly she walked toward the partly open door. Moving up against the wall beside the door Maryann clung to her only weapon she kept. Counting to her self, Maryann swung open the door on three, and swung around to confront her supposed trespasser. In the state of panic that she was in she began to swing and hit something that was inside her closet. The only thing that was slowing her down was that she had her eyes closed.
She was begging to feel like she was successful and could open her eyes now when something heavy fell on her. She screamed and began to struggle with the heavy object on her, her eyes still closed. She was still screaming when she realized that the object on her wasn’t fighting back. Eyes shut tight she began to wonder if she killed the trespasser. Slowly opening one eye, she realized that her intruder really was her vacuum.
Feeling mildly stupid, she picked up the battered vacuum and looked inside the closet (to be sure no one was in there, and if anyone had, to be sure she didn’t miss them). She shut both doors tightly and dragged her vacuum over to a plush chair that sat across from the bed. Sitting in the chair she wondered what people would say if they asked about what happen to he vacuum cleaner. Did you hear that Maryann Whritherton beat her vacuum with a baseball bat because she thought some one was in her house? Why, I heard she did the whole thing with both her eyes closed! Well she’s just one strap short of being put in a straight jacket! Said the imaginary critics in Maryann’s head, which she had so easily made up one day.
And leaving those harsh comments in mind, Maryann took her broken vacuum cleaner outside and through it into the dumpster. The rain hitting her face like pins and needles, making her ethics seem strange in her mind now that she had thoroughly beaten the crap out of her newly bought vacuum cleaner. But nothing could wash away what her heart and mind were feeling at the time. And the only thing protecting her at the moment was the rain that blend’ in with the tear that fell down her face like a silent stream.
*~*
Maryann was walking to the near by Shop Mart, deciding whether or not she should get a new vacuum cleaner. Knowing her OCD would eventually take over her mind she decided that she would buy one of the best vacuums they had (and not keep it in the closet). Half way to the store the rain had began to stop, she paused for a moment to put down her umbrella and fix her newly ironed dress. It was one of her favorites; it was decorated in flowers of all kinds and very brightly colored. After fixing her dress she lightly fluffed her hair and began to walk down the street once more.
But once again she was stopped, but this time by a homeless man who lived out side of the local bar. “Got any spare change?” he asked his voice gruff, deep, and scary sounding.
She paused for a moment and studied the man. He was sitting in a tent made of cardboard and blankets. His brown hair was about to his shoulders and he looked like he hadn’t shaved in days. “Sorry, I don’t have any spare change on me.” Maryann said politely.
As Maryann began to walk away, the homeless man grabbed her arm pulling her full force right up to his grimy face. “Look here, for such a pretty Miss as your self I suspect you got some money in that little change purse your holding right there.” He said glancing at the small purse that dangled around Maryann’s helpless body.
Maryann felt tears, fear, and some other feeling she couldn’t describe rush to her body. She screamed at the top of her lungs trying to pull away, and grab for her pepper spray she kept handy in her purse for occasions like this. But she couldn’t loosen the homeless mans strange overpowering strength. He had an urgent look in his eye, like if he didn’t get her money she was going to have to pay in some other way. And she knew one way to get what you wanted was by killing them. Now that the thought that this strange man could be driven to the idea of killing her for her money she struggled even harder, she began to hit him with her umbrella.
When the man began to realize that she was hitting him with the metal point of her umbrella, he tried to keep hold of her but the reoccurring blows to his head were starting to take a toll. Still screaming and hitting him with the umbrella, Maryann felt his grip around her arm loosen she pulled her wrist away from him and ran. She ran as fast as she could. She ran past the Shop Mart forgetting the reason why she had decided to venture out that dreary day.
She ran until she came to Independence Ave. and King Dr. at this corner she stopped. She stopped because across the street she spotted a young girl. The girl had brown hair, but half of it had fallen out. She had large gray eyes that almost looked like an old unclean windows. Last she was in a hospital robe, and she was soaking wet. The girl almost looked waterlogged. Her face was gray, what little hair she had stuck to her dead cold face. The hospital robe clung to body like a corset. She didn’t wear any shoes, so her feet were covered in a thick layer of mud. In some corners of her face and body moss and algae clung as if she were a tree. The girl looked no older than fifteen.
Not acknowledging Maryann the girl just stood there looking both ways down the street as if she were going to cross or if she were waiting for a bus that would never come.
Upon seeing the girl, Maryann realized she hadn’t checked the local newspaper that day to see if there had been any deaths lately. Apparently there had. Seeing that ghost often showed them selves to Maryann long ago she decided not to panic if this happens. So going through her steps in her head Maryann sought out a local newspaper stand, bought a newspaper and a magazine, and walked home (avoiding the bar).
When Maryann got home she checked her one room apartment for any sign that some one had broken into her domain then she went and sat down in her tall backed puffy chair and pulled out the Obituaries. Looking down the line of what almost felt like death row Maryann found one girl that matched the girl she saw, except it wasn’t in the Obituaries column. In a small column on the side of the paper was the picture of a girl. The column said:
Beth McCruin a patient at Gregger Hospital was reported missing yesterday morning. When Ms.McCruins’ nurse went into her patients room to give her, her morning breakfast and medicine the nurse was shocked to fine her patient not in bed. After alerting the parents and the police, Beth still has not been found. The police are giving no information to how Beth escaped her room or if she was took against her will. If you see her please call the downtown Riverville station.
Sitting in her plush chair Maryann had only just begun to notice that it had started to rain again. Sitting in her chair she regretted leaving the house that morning. She got up and made her self a cup of coffee as she looked out the window, the rain falling gently on the window with a memorizing sound; Maryann noticed her wrist was red and begging to swell. She hadn’t realized how strong that man was, and then she wondered if Beth had felt anything like what Maryann felt when she was abducted from the hospital.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Okay, well I must say I agree with ALL of your comments. In my opinion I have to idea where this crazy story was even going. I think that because I had writers block for awhile that this was a just a crazy attempt at writing and this is what it came out as. But, anyway, I just want to thank you all for taking your time to review this INSANE story. Haha thanks:)
This is the strangest story I've ever read.
So basic story goes like this: Maryann is paranoid. She beats up her vacuum. An old homeless man grabs and holds onto her (contrived, would that ever really happen unless he were dangerously deranged?). She sees a child and mentions she can see ghosts. The child was missing. The end.
Did any of it have a purpose? Was there anything that were getting at with any of it? Is this the first chapter of a longer story?
So to sum it up...what's your story?
Also, you can be pretty wordy. For example:
"in a hiding spot that only her beholder knew about" is waaaay unnecessary. Did it add anything to the sentence? Did we learn anything new? Or is "She felt that every movement she made was being watched by unseen eyes" all you need? Look at your other sentences and see if you can make the same judgment.
So those are my biggest points about your story. Give it a goal and cut down on your wordiness. Otherwise, it's rather confusing and difficult to read.
Hey~ ^^ So I reviewed the first time you posted this piece, and I'm coming back to review it again.
First things first, I'd advise you to cut out the first two scenes. They're utterly useless, and they're boring to boot. Remember to start the story as late as you possibly could. Nothing that happened in the first two scenes counts as the inciting incident, and it's really bordering on tedious and boring, reading through all of it. In fact, I'd start when Maryann sees the girl.
The homeless guy scene had tension, but it felt very forced. I just couldn't imagine someone doing that in the middle of the day, under bright sunlight, unless she was walking through a very bad part of town. I didn't get the impression she was walking through the rougher part of town. In fact, I don't even know what the town looks like. Put in more description, please.
You have to remember your readers are blind and deaf in your world. They're stuck in absolute darkness unless you do something and give them something to work off. Try describing what the shop is like, or maybe the weather. You could also toss in a word or two about how that hotdog stand in the corner smells. Every little bit helps, but when you put in description, also remember not to overload the senses of your readers, or else they'll get bored and annoyed about the descriptions. Everything in moderation~
Finally, the whole seeing ghosts bit still comes from nowhere. I'd like to see more foreshadowing on your part, or more supernatural hints. Maybe the thought of ghosts crosses Maryann's mind once or twice, and if they do, make sure it seems normal to Maryann. As it stands, it's as if you pulled it out of thin air just so that you'd have a plot.
Also, I'm going to suppose this is part one, and there's more coming up. There isn't really a conclusion to this story, so if you planned on ending it there, it wouldn't do. There isn't much of a plot as it stands. You're probably still in the rising action. You'd want to at least hit the climax before cutting a story short.
So anyway, that was my two cents~ If you want a more detailed review, or have any questions, PM me. ^^
Sincerely,
Octave
Well, this is intriguing. I am not quite sure what you mean by 'Ethics'. Usually the word 'ethics' refers to moral values, especially when what is right and wrong are hard to decide. I didn't see a lot of that in here, but please explain if I misunderstood something.
I get the feel for Maryann's personality early on with the paranoia expressed in the first couple of paragraphs.
The grammar here is a bit ambiguous. How does this sound?
"When, at last, she would wake up, at her most vulnerable, the intruder would leap upon her in a strange insanity that only he knew, and kill her in a cold blood."
I like this part. I frequently find myself doing the same thing. ( Imaginary critics, not appliance mutilation )
Make sure you write in the correct tense. It's something I struggle with at times. Perhaps "The rain was hitting her face like pins and needles, making her ethics seem strange in her mind..." Wait a minute. There's that word, 'Ethics', again. Do you mean habits? Please explain.
I think 'Blended' is what you meant in the second half of the sentence.
I appreciate writers who have a sense of humor.
This sentence is a little redundant. Either eliminate the 'But' at the beginning of the sentence or the one after the comma.
I inserted a comma.( in red )
She must be in an extremely apathetic neighborhood if nobody cared that she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Of course, not many people come to bars in the morning, and not many of them would probably be particularly compassionate. I can tell that Maryann is very paranoid if she carries pepper spray. I wonder if the author ever had an encounter like this...
Can Maryann see ghosts? I find it unusual that she has to check her locked apartment every morning but doesn't seem very surprised to see this obviously unnatural figure. When I hear ' young girl' I think of someone about six or seven. 'Young woman' sounds more like 'no older than fifteen'. Unless if your character thinks of herself as a young woman.
I guess that's why she doesn't panic when she sees an algae-coated teenager. Check this sentence's grammar.
Were you typing this in a hurry? Try reading your story out loud. You find patients in bed.
Sounds mesmerize. Arms begin ( beginning ) to swell.
A thought provoking way to end the story. Does Maryann have any deep sympathy for Beth? Can she interact with ghosts at all if she tries?
Are people hunting her because she can see ghosts? Is she just imagining things? Are you being purposely vague? Over all, a very enjoyable read. Mysterious. I look forward to seeing this rewritten.