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E - Everyone

The Cyclical Nature of History

by oceansrise


To the rebellion -
you will tear a kingdom apart in the name of liberty and hope,
and in time you will forget why you declared death to the king

and freedom for all.

To the monarchy -

you will despair as everything you’ve built is burned and the

rebels become royalty, but there will be a day when it is you

joining a revolution.

To history - 

this will be repeated for the next few centuries.


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Tue Jan 31, 2017 7:01 am
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Lumi wrote a review...



Relevance! Political relevance!

...with a side of stark pretense. It's reminiscent of a dusty history book, and ends rather abruptly. The symbols inside seem to mean nothing at all, which is a shame. I'm just really begging for some flavor here, but I understand the stoic nature of it all. It's laid out like a speech, and that's sort of the point.

TO that point, I'd definitely add to the final stanza as it unforgivably ends without content or padding; to add to this, "the next few" is unnecessary as history is generally just doomed to repeat itself in general.

All-in-all a solid speech, but most certainly lacking in flavor. I hope this helps,

Ty




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:00 am
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Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a review!

Since you requested this in the request thread of our team, I decided to come and review it! I first like to say that I haven't reviewed in some time so if I get anything wrong, don't be afraid to point it out.

When I first read this, it almost sounded like a war chant against the kingdom that holds back rebels. Like, it doesn't let anyone do anything fun, I suppose. So then the rebels are trying to fight back. As I was reading, I noticed the symbols after some of the lines. Personally, it looks a bit hard to read with such things so as a suggestion, remove those. There was a sense of repetition in the three stanzas. Like, it didn't say the same word, over and over again but you can tell that those three stanzas have the same message.

To the rebellion -
you will tear a kingdom apart in the name of liberty and hope,
and in time you will forget why you declared death to the king

and freedom for all.


The second line and third line feel a bit wordy. In most poems, there are shorter to get to the point and to make up the theme of the whole poem. With shorter lines, you can have a long lasting mood throughout the poem. With these two lines, it messes up the mood just enough to feel jolted.
The last line of this stanza, before I move onto the next one, feels out of place. It should be the previous line before it to make it a complete sentence.

To the monarchy -

you will despair as everything you’ve built is burned and the

rebels become royalty, but there will be a day when it is you

joining a revolution.


The first line, much like I said before, is wordy but can be trimmed down into something shorter. For example,

[red]you will despair as everything you’ve built is burned and the
rebels become royalty, but there will be a day when it is you
joining a revolution.[/red]

When moving poems onto the next line, I tend to end it to where the syllables are equal or when the main point of line one is done. In this one, it seems these ideas all go together. How I see it is as:

[blue]you will despair as
everything you've built
is burned
and the rebels become royalty;
there will be a day when
it is you
joining the revolution.[/blue]

It feels more short and simple when being read aloud. Even though it maybe a bit long, it gives the point across, short and sweet.

Also, in this poem, is it two sides talking? Because in the beginning, the speaker is talking to the rebellion then it goes towards the monarchy. I think that's a good idea, if it is so. We get to see both sides of the story. Then at the end, to me, it seems that the two voices are saying that history is going to be repeated.
Speaking of the ending, as the previous reviewer said before me, I'm a little lost. But like I mentioned before, it's wordy. We know that history is going to be repeated; you don't need to say when. Just say: "this will be repeated."

Overall, this was a nice poem. I did enjoy the end stanza because it shows that this samd thing could happen over and over again.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




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Wed Jan 25, 2017 1:39 am
EDragon1st wrote a review...



It is an interesting poem with a great theme.
The last stanza threw me off a bit when I first read it. In the previous stanzas you were great at using language to give specific details that could just about be relative to any rebellion or revolution, a kind of vague yet specific style that I loved. The last stanza seemed to lack this style and was very specific with a time frame, unlike your 'in time' and 'will be a day'. I cannot think of a way to fix this exactly or if this is even the trouble I have with this stanza, so I would recommend getting a second opinion before drastically changing anything.




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Tue Jan 24, 2017 4:22 pm
MeAndMyThoughts wrote a review...



Hello there. I hope to give a fair review.

I liked how you reached up to the topic by coming through the political trends in general. Simple but very well phrased, but I didn't get the style of the stanza. Why some lines have one word only? They don't look that much powerful that way. Also, monarchy maybe better before rebellion. But overall, a great true poem.





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