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Wednesdays

by oceans


The sky is a traffic light
of blue, purple and orange.
Its colors melt and frame
the tall trees, envelopes
their leaves.

The trees lean like they hold
a burden, peek into windows,
listening. Branches laugh
at their conversations.
The words shake their leaves.

Drunkenness leads to lonely soliloquies
that can be heard over the whispers
of television. Distant conversations
become blurred lines,
and the earth absorbs their stories.

An airplane shoots across the sky,
the distant roar shakes the atmosphere,
and leaves the sound in a line of echoes.
It fades to a mellow hum.
The melody melts
into a bluebird’s song.

Wednesdays, washing machines
come alive with a steady heartbeat,
symbolically turning.
A pen in my hand records the memory.


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Points: 233
Reviews: 1

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Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:55 am
cosmic_jazzy wrote a review...



I love your piece, I love how you talk about the sky being a traffic light, I totally agree because just as a traffic light has three colors (Green, Yellow, and Red) the sky has Its own colors (Blue, Orange, and Red). I also loved how well thought out your poem is, I can definitely feel the emotion put into this. I hope to read more of your great work, I am looking forward to see what you write next! (:


~Jazzy.




oceans says...


<3



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Sat Aug 01, 2020 7:27 am
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potter4life wrote a review...



Hey!I am @potter4life Just wanted to review some of your work and recommend stuff for your piece!

it is quite interesting,using literature devices and things like similies and more.
i suppose its suppose to be a poem and you could add things like rhyme into it and make paragraphs,each of them 4 lines.

it makes it easier to read and understand.
you might want to also use altiration (i think thats how you spell it).It is a literary device like using the same letter for each word and also metaphor extensions.

I hope you find this helpful!
Good job!

thats potter4life signing off!BAII




oceans says...


Thanks for your input!



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Sat Aug 01, 2020 3:55 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello oceans! Welcome to YWS! It's good to see new faces around here.

I really enjoyed the poetic elements that you put into this poem. You really brought us into your headspace, using the tools of simile, personification, metaphor, and imagery. Though I enjoyed this poem, I would like to suggest a few things you could change to make it even better.

The first thing that stood out to me was the length of your lines. I understand that this is a stylistic choice, but I don't think that the choice you made here is benefiting your poem. It is strange to read with so many one word lines, and it becomes jarring to read. It makes my eyes move too quickly over those beautiful images you write, and I want to savor them instead of rush past them. I don't think you were going for a rushing feeling; in fact this poem seems very still even though there is a lot of metaphorical and audio motion going on. It's a fragment of time that you've chosen to frame, like a photograph that you've taken with words. I recommend condensing a lot of your lines, and breaking them into stanzas when you move on to the next idea. If you're having issues with YWS' formatting, it's easily solved with the shift key. When you want to single space a line, hold shift when you press enter. When you want to put a break in between stanzas, just don't hold shift!

I'm going to include a spoiler below of how I would personally break up your poem into stanzas. Feel free to ignore this suggestion and find your own way of doing it, though! This is just an example.

Spoiler! :
The sky is a traffic light
of blue, purple and orange.
Its colors melt and frame
the tall trees, envelopes
their leaves.

The trees lean like they hold
a burden, peek into windows,
listening. Branches laugh
at their conversations.
The words shake their leaves.

Drunkenness leads to lonely soliloquies
that can be heard over the whispers
of television. Distant conversations
become blurred lines,
and the earth absorbs their stories.

An airplane shoots across the sky,
the distant roar shakes the atmosphere,
and leaves the sound
in a line of echoes.
It fades to a mellow hum.
The melody melts
into a bluebird’s song.

Wednesdays, washing machines
come alive with a steady heartbeat,
symbolically turning.
A pen in my hand records the memory.


Now that I've got that out of the way, lets talk about your imagery. It's great, but there are a few that are unexpected, and not in a great way.
The sky
is a traffic light
of blue,
purple
and orange.
Its colors
melt

I don't feel like comparing the sky to a traffic light isn't a very effective image here. I don't actually see any similarities between your description of the sky and the action that it does and a traffic light. An different colored traffic light, maybe, but it's also melting? If you're trying to convey that it's glowing, you can just say that. There's nothing wrong with it. I also understand that you might want to bring the reader into an environment populated by people right off the bat. Perhaps you could say something like the sky is melting through or around a traffic light, but to say the sky is a traffic light here struck me as odd since even in your own description, there aren't many similarities.

The other one that really jumped out at me in a way that doesn't completely gel with the rest of your poem is this area:
and leaves the
sound
in a line of
echoes.
It fades to a
mellow
hum.
The
melody
melts
into
a bluebird’s
song.

There's a lot of audio images happening here, and I understand how this could happen, but the way that it's worded is awkward. Perhaps try incorporating the images into one sentence. It feels strangely disconnected when this one sound (though morphing) is described in three different sentences. You could say something like, "and leaves the sound in a line of echoes. The distant echo of a mellow hum, the melody of a bluebird's song." That's just an example. Feel free to figure it out yourself. As it is, though, it could use a little work.

symbolically
turning.

You don't need this at all. Trust the reader to understand that the washing machines are a metaphor! Since this poem is already really quite lovely and surreal, they're unlikely to take anything at face value.

A pen in my
hand
records
the memory.

You also do not need this in the poem. I was honestly a little disappointed in this ending. I feel like the images you use speak for themselves, and this just reminded me that this was a poem, and that I wasn't listening to you speak. I was immersed, and this broke it for me. Take it out to strengthen the poem.

Overall, I liked this poem. My favorite part is the line about the branches laughing about conversations. I love personification, and you do it quite well. I hope that this review provides some food for thought when you're writing more poetry! Please let me know if you have any questions about it, or if you have any questions about the site! I'm a moderator here, so I'm always happy to help. Happy poeting!




oceans says...


Thank you for your input, it is appreciated!

Yes, when it comes to line breaks I need a lot of work! I acknowledge that, my professor points it out often and gives me poets to look into who are very good at controlling their lines! I will definitely work on that! Plus I copied and pasted from a google doc, being unfamiliar with the formatting so thanks for the tips!

You pointed out the traffic light comparison and I am going to go ahead and explain. It is not at all about the comparison between the way a traffic light functions, nor the sky! It is simply a comparison in the way the traffic light changes colors from top to bottom, which is the exact way the sky does! And you pointed out about the use of the word "melt", I was not talking about the sky glowing, but about the way the colors melt into each other as it changes from day to night! So the vision behind the trees was melting colors. I think you misunderstood those points so I hope this helps.

I understand why you would think the last line was not needed because you feel it transported you out of the vision, however it is an important fact that I was out there writing, so the poem to only includes what is happening around but the fact that I was out there writing. Writing was a part of the nature of the day, just as all the other elements were. But you're totally right about how it could or could not be necessary, but that's subjective!

Thanks for your time!



Morrigan says...


Obviously everything is subjective. But if that%u2019s how you wanted the metaphor to be conveyed, perhaps try adding a direction. The image isn%u2019t clear enough. It also melds into the melting part in a strange way, so try separating that, too.

If you think that you being outside recording this is important, try introducing the subject earlier in the poem, so it doesn%u2019t surprise the reader at the end with a feeling similar to an author saying, %u201Cand then I woke up!%u201D

I%u2019m looking forward to reading more of your work. I%u2019m excited that you%u2019re taking classes where poetry is an assignment! I miss all of my creative writing classes. Best,
Morri



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Fri Jul 31, 2020 4:33 pm
SummerBlues wrote a review...



Hello there! I would like to leave a review here.
Let me begin by saying this poem is beautiful. It captures so many different, little things that make up the "Wednesdays". The language is lovely in its simplicity, and I especially love how you weave natural elements (things from the natural sphere, like the "birds" and the "trees") to the human invention that are more mechanic and artificial, like the "airplane", the "television" and the "washing machine". It feels like a celebration of the harmony between human and nature, and I believe that reflects what our daily life really is about accurately. I also notice that there are a lot of sound description in there, like the "branches laugh at their conversations", " washing machines come alive with a a steady heartbeat", and the "distant roar" of the atmosphere. All these sounds, both from the nature and from our mechanics, are what composed our everyday life, it's our human noise merging with the song of the nature, and you did a brilliant job in encapsulating all these seemingly mediocre scenes and their sounds to offer us a magical glimpse behind what is at work in the midst of our life.

My favourite part is at the beginning, where you describe "the sky is a traffic light of blue, purple and orange". This metaphor is just so beautifully written, because not only does it portrays the beauty of the sky, but also induces a sense of urban-ness into the nature that quickly foreshadows your theme in the later part of the poem.

This is just my opinion, but as i read along the lines, I can't help but feel like I am watching a short, quiet clip (I hope this makes sense). The scenes that you chose shift through different lens, some are long shot (like the airplane), while some are close ups (like the bluebird); it gives me a calming, tranquil sensation that soothes my tiredness and refreshes my anxious mind. I think not everyone can do that, so what you have demonstrated here is absolutely wonderful :)

Finally, I noticed a minor mistake, if you don't mind me pointing it out. Here in this line: "Its colors melt and frame the tall trees, envelopes their leaves", I believe you meant "enveloping". Overall, the flow of the poem is very smooth, and I would say you have done a very good job with this piece, please keep writing. I am looking forward to your future works :)




oceans says...


I appreciate your input! Thank you!

You are right, it could be "enveloping", however, I think in this circumstance it could be either or!




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