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Knowing Gods- Chapter 1- Late again...

by occymay


AN- There is a prologue before this (I think it's titled as chapter 3 in my portfolio), so this isn't technically the start of the novel. Also, this is several drafts in so do be critical but do let me know what's good as well just for future reference. Thank you for reading. 

Late again

“Hey, Willow, what are you writing?” said Leah. She stood in the doorway, looking at my room in disgust. “Your mum let us in, by the way.”

I looked up from what I was writing in my diary and tried to rub away the dreaminess in my eyes. I’d been asleep, absentmindedly staring at my diary as my mind drifted to other places. Looking across my room, I noticed Uri stood next to a pile of dirty clothing and a gargantuan stack of cups.

Leah was by the door looking flustered, glancing at the time on her watch. I took that as a hint and started to get myself ready for school.

“Bye mum, bye dad,” I said through a mouthful of toast, rushing out the door to catch up with Uri and Leah.

“Come on, we are going to be late!” exclaimed Leah.

I sighed. I hate school I thought and I retreated into my head as we boarded the train, to stand huddled by a pole next to the door.

“So I was like OMG you are totally not wearing that!” A high pitched voice sounded behind me. Glancing back, I saw a group of popular girls from my school. The one who had spoken, Emma, was a girl that I have an almost uncontrollable desired to punch in the face.

“And then he was like I can dress up like a lobster if I want. He is the weirdest guy, I just wish he would die already.”

“Uh, look it’s that weird group from school,” One of the other girls said in what she thought was a whisper. It was clear they were talking about us, we were the only others wearing school uniform.

They called us that all the time, Leah was the teacher’s pet, I was the lazy daydreamer, and Uri was…well…different.

He wasn’t your average teenage boy, put it that way. He looked much like a normal boy from the neck down, it’s was the colour of his eyes and hair that gave him an otherworldly appearance. Red just like blood. His eyes held an unnatural move to them, eyes ablaze with flames.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t look like the freak is with them. Maybe they gained some common sense and ditched the demon boy.” Another murmured.

Idiots, Uri was stood right next to… me.

Apart from the fact that he wasn’t, nor was he anywhere for that matter.

At some point Uri had disappeared from sight... feck.

“Oh my goodness, Leah, where’s Uri?”

“Hmm…oh, I didn’t notice he'd gone.” She said before looking back down at her phone.

“Hey!” I yelled, snatching the phone from her hands. “This is serious, something could have happened to him.”

“Like what?” she smirked.

“Well… he could have been pulled into an alley by a serial killer and is being chopped up as we speak. Or maybe… he was abducted by aliens!” I rambled as I squeezed my hands tightly together and Leah rolled her eyes.

“Aliens, really Willow? What are you, five?” If the train hadn’t been so jarring, she would have been crossing her arms.

“I’ll have you know there have been accounts of such things happening. If you weren’t so close-minded then maybe you would see how truthful they are.”

Bong!

“This is Warwick Avenue, the next stop is Maida Vale. Please mind the gap between the train and the platform.”

The doors opened and we pushed off the train and through the gate by a wave of bleary-eyed commuters. Not once did I see Uri’s distinct colours amongst the crowd. My heart squeezed tightly as I fought hopelessly against Leah iron grip.

“He’s probably already at school and if we wait around for him we’ll be late. I’m not getting told off for your wildly vivid imagination. He most likely went ahead after going to the toilet or something.”

“See,” she said a few minutes later. She pointed off into the distance.

I let out a sigh of relief. Uri was leaning against the main school building. I tried to catch his eye, trying to understand why he ditched us, but he seemed too concerned about his surrounding to even notice me.

Gazing around, I noticed how people were gawking at him, muttering to each other. Most likely about the way he looked. His appearance never failed to unnerve them.

As I continued to look around I noticed a boy parading in Uri's direction. My pace sped up. A meeting between these two never ended well. Hell, it never started well!

The guy's voice rung across the street.

"Oi, freakface, how's Satan?" The guy yelled, still a distance away but closing further in.

Uri's head swept up as his eyes focused on the approaching boy. His eyes narrowed and his fists clenched. "Ask him yourself, you'll be joining him soon." He hissed.

"Oh, so scared! Is the big bad orphan boy going to punch me?”

"Get lost, Markus," I said, glaring at him as I finally reached Uri's side.

Markus gave me a look of pure disgust before turning away. 

"I'll tell mum on," I shouted. "Yeah, you walk away!" 

I turned back to my friends, both of who were giving me a strange look. 

"What? My asserting my dominance," I said, walking into the school building. 

"Remind me again," Leah said, quickly changing the subject, as we walked pass Markus, gesturing between me and Markus’ group, "how you two are twins?"

"Urgh, don't remind me. It's bad enough living in the same home as him, let alone remembering we shared a womb together," I groaned.

As me and Uri settled ourselves into form, I noticed something seemed off. At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Form rolled into lessons, maths and history, and lesson slowly became break. It was then that I realised what was different. Me and Leah slumped down onto the benches, grateful for the break in lessons. Uri, on the other hand, stayed where he was. He seemed different today, remote and tense. His back was facing us, his arms held tightly to his sides as his fists slowly turned white. I looked over at Leah to find her staring at Uri as well, frown lines creasing her forehead.

I leant forward and whispered, "Do you think he's okay?"

"I don't know," she whispered back, sneaking another look at him. "It looks like he worried about something. Really worried."

I straightened back up and, with the most casual voice I could muster, said, "Uri, why don't you come sit down?"

His head snapped around. He looked down at me with wide eyes before taking a deep breath and dropping down onto the bench. He sat with his back against the table, glaring at the people who walked by.

“Uri, are you okay today? You haven’t got a fever have you?” I blurted.

As I tried to lay my palm on his forehead, I felt pain bloom in my hand as it was flung back onto the table. Uri had smacked my hand away, and it defiantly hadn’t been gentle “I’m feeling great, okay?” He growled.

Leah gawked at him. “Uri, you could have hurt her!”

Uri sat in silence for a moment, looking conflicted. He mumbled something I couldn’t quite hear before getting up and walking off.

His mood proceeded into lunch two hours later. I had finally managed to convince him to sit with us. He might have hurt me but he was still my best friends and something was bothering him. We relaxed in the cafeteria, me and Leah wolfing down a microscopic mound of spaghetti Bolognese. Uri, however, wasn't eating any of his. He kept staring out the cafeteria’s grimy windows, moving his fork absentmindedly around the plate.

"Are you gonna eat that?" I said with a mouthful of food.

Uri didn't move this time, in fact, he didn't seem to have heard me. Finishing off the last mouthfuls of food, I swapped our plates and dug in. Waste not, want not. In between eating, I peered up at him, hoping to see something of the friend I knew in this distant person. I continued to stare at him until a ringing filled the room. Lunch was over and the final hour of school had begun.

Thirty minutes later, my pencil still hovered over my sketch paper. I hadn't made a single mark on its textured surface, my mind too preoccupied to contemplate anything worth drawing. All I could think about was Uri. It didn’t that I had Leah’s words running amok in my mind.

"It looks like he worried about something. Really worried."

But what could he be worried about? We always confined in each other. For him not to say anything meant that whatever it was, it was really serious...

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it so I decided to take action. It was the end of the school day and Uri was stood outside of the main gates. Even from this distance, I could tell his mood hadn't changed. I shuffled hesitantly over to him. Tapping him gently on the shoulder, I waited for him to turn around.

“Uri, are you okay?”

“How many times do I have to say this? I’m fine, feeling perky, never better. Choose whichever one will work inside that head of yours.”

“Well, you don’t look fine. You’ve been glaring at everyone, completely unfocused when I talk to you and you hurt me at break. You would never do that if you were feeling normal.” I reached my hand out to touch him, hoping to get through to him better.

He shrugged me off. “I’m fine,” he snapped, making me choke on my voice. He glared at me, his chest rising and falling in jagged motions. Several seconds went by before I found the courage to speak.

“Uri, what is up with you today?” I said my voice raising a few octaves higher. “I think I have the right to know why if something's bothering. It not fair to make me worry like this!”

“You don’t have screech, okay. Now leave me alone, Willow. It’s none of your business.” He said, his arms folded tightly across his chest as he refused to look me in the eye.

"Well, it is! Because you’re my best friend and we tell each other everything." Tears began to prick at my eyes, threatening to spill over. I coughed in the hope that it would make the thick, suffocating feeling in my throat go away.

"Well, you clearly don't know me very well then, do you? You think I tell you everything? Please, you only know what I want you to know. Now, leave, you’re annoying me."

“Fine... be a douche!” I sobbed as I stormed off.


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Tue Jul 04, 2017 12:44 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, occymay! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

Since the other reviewers did a great job on touching on the grammar in your chapter, I'll focus on the setting and the characters!

The most information that the reader gets about the settings in various parts of the chapter are the names of places and generic locations in them, like the cafeteria is a school. Even though your story already is starting off great, including more descriptions about the setting would really help improve the quality of this chapter.

Your strongest part of this chapter is your characters. You did a great job at portraying their emotions, personalitities and conflicts between them. Despite this only being the first chapter, I have a pretty good idea of what each character is like! A lot of writers aren't able to do that, so I applaud you for it.

You also made me very curious about the situation with Uri, and I can't wait to find out more about him! I do have a suggestion for how you write about him, though. Instead of just saying that he wasn't acting normal, maybe you could compare his actions now with how he's acted in the past? Then the protagonist's thoughts about how different he's acting would carry more weight.

I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

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occymay says...


Thank for your review! No need to worry your review was really good ^_^ Also, do you feel that that anything would be lost if I changed to third person?



Mageheart says...


You're welcome! I don't think you would lose anything if you changed it to third person.



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Mon Jul 03, 2017 3:27 am
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

First things first: dialogue punctuation. This article goes into the proper grammar around how to treat dialogue. You have a lot of errors in here, namely from capitalization. If you want some proofing help, let me know.

Second is the way the dialogue is structured. You always have dialogue start a paragraph where a person is speaking, which can create stiffness in the prose. So instead of this:

“Well… he could have been pulled into an alley by a serial killer and is being chopped up as we speak. Or maybe… he was abducted by aliens!” I rambled as I squeezed my hands tightly together and Leah rolled her eyes.

“Aliens, really Willow? What are you, five?” If the train hadn’t been so jarring, she would have been crossing her arms.


You could have something like this:

I squeezed my hands tightly together. “Well… he could have been pulled into an alley by a serial killer and is being chopped up as we speak. Or maybe… he was abducted by aliens!”

Leah rolled her eyes. If the train hadn’t been so jarring, she would have been crossing her arms. “Aliens, really Willow? What are you, five?”


In this situation, it's clearer who's speaking because their body language is put in with their dialogue. "A new paragraph every time somebody speaks" doesn't mean the dialogue always has to start the paragraph— it just means that each person's dialogue needs its own paragraph.

Putting the body language before the dialogue also gives us an indication of how the words are being said without the need for any vocal description. Language and the words spoken are only about 7% of communication in English, with body language taking up about 50%. The remainder is taken up by tone, which can be implied in description via body language.

Which brings me to how you don't really give us much of an opportunity to get good impressions of the characters, because we don't have their body language for the dialogue. You have a lot of talking heads here, which basically means dialogue back and forth without body language and without any introspection for how the characters actually feel.

If we don't have this sense of how they react to dialogue, then we really don't know who they are. Some of that can be fixed by inserting more body language into the writing, while the rest will take diving into the characters' reactions and determining how they see the world. You need to know how they'll react beyond spoken words and actions; thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs inform their narration just as much as speaking.

Take, for example, your second paragraph: this paragraph tells us what she was doing and where she is, but it doesn't tell us how she feels. Is she annoyed at being interrupted? Ashamed of looking dreamy? Fearful that Leah asked what she was writing? Each one of those answers would give us a better sense of who she is, but right now we don't have that.

All in all, dig into how your characters feel and polish up their dialogue so it flows more naturally. Adding in a touch of polish to this will make it really shine.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




occymay says...


Thank you for your review! I never thought about many of the things you mention so it was really helpful ^_^



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Sun Jul 02, 2017 5:49 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey occymay! Thought I'd leave a review for Team Tortoise :)

What I really liked about this chapter was the way the tension about Uri began to creep up, starting from the rigidness and the smacking and the staring. If I had a suggestion about it, perhaps the smacking could come later, to show the progressive "What's happened to him?!!!" Other than that, I could easily connect to Willow and her concern about her brother.

A critique I have is that Leah doesn't do too much, really, other than gawk and talk. I suppose that she might do something other than that? I know that this chapter is around Willow and Uri...BUT I'd have liked to have seen something from Leah. To me, she feels rather 2-dimensional for that reason. That she doesn't have a specific purpose for being there other than just saying that Uri feels weird, which Willow definitely knows.

I also thought that the fight between Willow and Uri feels really on-the-nose in terms of how subtle the dialogue is. Judging from Uri's mood, I do think that Willow might approach him with a little more care than usual, right, especially with the smacking incident. This is just my opinion but the "Because you're my best friend and we tell each other everything" sounds really blunt. Both sides know that, after all.

A nitpick:

As I tried to lay my palm on his forehead, I felt pain bloom in my hand as it was flung back onto the table. Uri had smacked my hand away, and it defiantly hadn’t been gentle “I’m feeling great, okay?”


These sentences feel very, very awkward and I suggest rephrasing them to something that reads smoother.

So hope this review helped. Ask away if you have any questions :D

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occymay says...


Thank you for your review! Yeah, Leah's character needs a lot of work because she's pretty much like that the whole way through the two books I have written so far XD




"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov