You place that smile on your half-moon lips,
and you hide your sand-hill honesty behind those
tidal wave lies,
breaking the shore with your echoing voice
"I always knew who I always were!"
However, every dusk and dawn sailors rendezvous
with death they tell themselves that "we are fools!"
There are no lighthouses at bay.
and the coral reefs are towering needles
whisper them bedtime horror tales
you made during your half-wake days,
and by tomorrow you tuck all of them back to sleep.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Your words are so beautiful but I dont know whats exactly going on. I feel like the title doesnt go with this poem. Maybe its something only you can understand because your the author? That happens to me a lot. Its like the first half of the poem is a different meaning than the end. You should split the first half into a new poem and finish it and do the same for the second half. over all beautiful words and format.
-llorona
I like how pretty your words are, but I don't really understand what is going on at all. Imagery isn't enough to carry a poem. Find more of a meaning to it. Even a simple story would fit. But without any meaning, this poem is lacking. Metaphors that make more sense would be wise to add. How is honesty like sand hills, by the way? I was confused by this metaphor. The lighthouses line was odd to me. If you are keeping something at bay, you are keeping it away. Therefore, the line means that there are lighthouses. It seems a little like a double negative. I like your imagery, though.
After reading it again I agree with you, total fail. I was trying a new style in poetry and it didn't quite work out. I remembered having a story when writing it about a few weeks ago and, yeah, well... feces occurs.
that at bay line I was thinking about "lighthouses at the bay" thing, I didn't know that it's an idiom. Sorry, I've only started speaking English for a while -,-
thanks for the review, I'll keep this in mind.
The lighthouses line would be fixed if you simply added a "the" between "at" and "bay."
Idioms are confusing even to me (a native English speaker).
Overall I liked your poem a lot. However your second stanza
"However, every dusk and dawn sailors rendezvous
with death they tell themselves that "we are fools!"
Kind of confused me quite a bit. It would help if you could explain it a little more.
Second, it felt as if you brought in a whole new concept halfway through, which also kind of threw me off. In the end I think it would be better if you Explain how tomorrow is a sin since that is the title. I don't know if that was what you were trying to say the entire time but it didn't feel like it to me.
Anyways, good luck and continue writing.
honestly, I don't understand myself sometimes. I just think of stuff and goes. People are free to decipher it into anything they like. sorry for the let down :c
Wasn't a let down, still think your a really good writer