Published January 3, 2009
Albany's Snakes
They're creepin' they're crawlin'
all over us and the town,
city, state,
and they don't care because they took
"The world is your oyster"
a little to literally
shaping it to what they want it to be
and what they want to see
and I can see them glad-handing the high rollers
and spitting on the low.
These snakes are invading
and no where is safe.
These snakes are blind to what is there
and no one will stop them because they are the top.
These snakes are the power
and they got it from us.
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
B'jour, madamoiselle Nut (hm, French on YWS, I'm trying it out). I don't think we've met, call me Stella or whatever you deem suitable.
Now then m'dear, your review count is currently one, so I think you need to do... uh... five more? I've seen your name, so you may be commenting, but posts under a certain length don't actually count as reviews, so you've still got your 2:1 ratio to fill.
Now then... just out of interest, where's Albany? *googles* Capital of NY eh? I always thought New York would be. Weird.
You know what? City and literally sort of rhyme, and you need to sort out some syllables for some rhythm. Try "state and city." Also, "to" should be "too."
Perhaps they have the power rather than are?
Overall, I'm lost. Are these rich people coming and squandering money in Albany, taking over, buying houses etc.? I'm assuming so. Why not try more of a personal approach? What are your feelings towards them? You don't have to say "I feel angry" but try to convey some emotion, rather than speaking on behalf of the whole city, you know?
Also, sometimes you have rhythm and sometimes you don't. I don't know, but I think it'd be best if you went one way or the other, you know? Either eradicate the signs of rhythm, or make the rest work with it.
I hope I helped, and that you stick around on YWS. Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
-Stella.