Rest in this life reality requires
Then achievement through work reality needed.
Then goal setting
None but stop goal achievement.
Goal achieved inclined with will.
None without waiting someone's force a bill or pouch or nail.
momentum results of reality
momentum achievement probability.
Attitude a rebirth of your loyalty
as a map use to view out locality.
Most essence life is that with potability
All in life equal opportunity.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! Care for a review this lovely Review Day?
This is a very intriguing poem. I can't say that I fully understand what you're trying to convey in it, but it is worded in a very unique way, that's for sure! And considering this is your first poem- did I read that right? This is pretty deep and out-there for a first time poem, in my opinion! Considering first time poems tend to be super flowery and like, love poems or something- not that there's anything wrong with love poems.
There were some lines and phrases in this which I found quite confusing, and which I thought also sometimes came across as a bit on the random side. For instance, this sentence:
I really don't have an idea of what's being said here. It's talking about a person's force- as in, forcing them to do something, or perhaps a type of force as in like... a power. But then it's just randomly listing things; a bill, a pouch, and a nail. All are very random and odd things that don't reallyyyy seem like they have much of a connection to what the sentence started out as? There were several places where this was the case.
I also found that towards the end of the poem, it was like the potential rhyming scheme was basically just anything ending in 'ty' and that's kinda the thing about rhyming and such in poems that people tend to not be too fond of because when you're concentrating on rhyming, you tend to take just any old word that sorta works and it doesn't really help the poem a whole lot. Sometimes rhyming and things like that in poetry can be really cool, but sometimes it just feels forced. And that's sorta what it felt like here. Also some of the words just feel very random. Like "potability" which just means "drinkable". I didn't feel like that was really adding to the poem or even making sense with the poem.
In any case, this was a very interesting read! I'm looking forward to reading more of your work! Keep it up!
-Holysocks
Hi there!
This is a really good poem, I liked the rhythm of it to.
The one line that confused me a bit is this one: "Then goal setting, None but stop goal achievement."
To me, this line doesn't flow as well, and it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the poem either.
I would also put a comma between "Goal achieved, Inclined with will."
The comma represents a slight pause, which is how the reader will read it. Without it, the line feels rushed and awkward.
That's all I noticed!
Wow, thats a nice poem, you did a good job in entertwining the words closely, as ro make for a more complexly built wording system(if that was your intent) Correct me if im wrong, but what i got from this is the oppurtinities of life, granted from breaking away from fantasies and false belief systems. All in all, nice poem, i liked it, and look foward to future poems. Keep it up :3
To* lol,sry
any comment is welcome
I publish this poem here on the Young Writers Society because I believe that all the members on this website are intellectuals enough to detect , criticise , recommend, analyse as well as draw the attention of the author in order to build him up to the high level of literally rank.
therefore my poem is published here to be criticise (if there any mistake) and recommended if there is any and in and on....