He stared out the window a the terrifying mass of people running at his palace. He thought to himself,”This is really it, The chinese empire is doomed’. Then it began the days after days after days of fighting. Every second was filled with cannon fires,gun shots swords clashing but the worst sound was the screams of death. Bing was the emperor of song china, and he was pretty sure he was going to be last. The mongols were destroying the chinese countryside ,destroying farms, killing livestock and murdering villages.They had came all the way to the capital of china Xi’an.
Before the mongols came china was a powerful prosperous country they had amazing architecture and incredible technology. But what china was the most proud of was their government. They used civil service exams to find only the best government officials and it was amazing they had a phenomenal government. They knew if the mongols took over china they would only use relatives or other mongols to rule china. This was not good because most mongols were illiterate or unschooled so they really had no idea how to run a country.
The battle raged on. Seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours. Time started slowing down and then it happened. A silence, it was quiet then a giant smash and screaming. A blood curdling cry of hatred and he knew the mongols were inside the city.
Almost instantly after he heard it a soldier ran is and said,”Emperor Bing you NEED to leave!” so we ran. We didn't stop till we got to the royal carriage and left. All around the emperor of china saw it all. The death and destruction this battle is caused. He sat in silence and a single sad tear shed down his face he said aloud though no one was there,”I'm leaving my country to die”
The emperor of china sat in his new capital of luoyang and paced. The fate of his home country of china hung in the balance, and there was nothing he could do. The thing the emperor bing feared the most was the siege weapons the mongols acquired from the persians. That was the reason Xi’an fell the mongols had attacked it before and failed but when they accessed the advanced weapons siege from persia they were unstoppable. They had trebuchets that launched explosive shots. so as the emperor paced thought and planned the mongols were coming. and this time it was there last chance to save china.
‘Sir wake up they launched a surprise attack we need to leave” a soldier woke up the emperor he blinked the sleep out of his eyes and heard it, the battle. he thought,”How did i not hear this.” so he packed his stuff and started to leave. but as soon as he open his door three or four men missing a lot of teeth and had poor armour started running towards him turned around to run and a mongol punched him in the face and he was out.
He woke up in a jail cell. he smelled like sweat. He touched the back of his head and searing hot pain flowed through his body. It was a pretty big bump. he heard the jingling of keys and turned around a man stood there and said are you ready for your execution?
he put on a silk robe and said a prayer
“I am a link in Lord Buddha’s golden chain of love that stretches around the world.
I must keep my link bright and strong.
I will try to be kind and gentle to every living thing, and protect all who are weaker than myself.
I will try to think pure and beautiful thoughts, to say pure and beautiful words, and to do pure and beautiful deeds, knowing that on what I do now depends my happiness and misery.
May every link in Lord Buddha’s golden chain of love become bright and strong and may we all attain perfect peace.” and he marched to his death.
he looked up at the noose then looked down at the thousands of people watching,some crying,some cheering and some just staring. They brought him up to the noose asking for any last word. He stared into the distance a slight breeze blew by. He took a breath and said,”No one heals themselves by wounding another”they fixed it around his neck and pulled the box out from under him. he jerked down and was instantly killed. This action killed china with it. China would soon fall into despair the mongols would bring in others to rule china or relatives that couldn't even write. their government would become corrupt and slowly fall apart until the ming dynasty would revolt and retake china.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi, I'm here to give you a short review.
First, I just wanted to say you do include quite a lot of facts in your story. You need to spread them out evenly, however. You shove a bunch of facts in one sentence. Slow it down, and write something that relates to the plot but the imagery in it relates to facts of China.
Secondly, you have an immense number of errors. This needs to be revisited and edited very much. Be sure you capitalized proper nouns (specifically places in your case).
This almost seems like an essay to me. If it is not, (which it is not categorized under 'article'), then I would highly suggest going back and changing this to more of a story type of perspective.
You also should space out your paragraphs. They are big, chunky masses and aren't evenly distributed along category. Also, when you have dialogue, be sure to space it out.
For example:
could be changed to:
So yeah, try and space out your paragraphs more.
You have an excellent writing voice, though, and a fairly good vocabulary. Keep up the writing.
~ EternalRain ^.^
thanks! i will work on this
Okay, first of all, slow down please. We barely get two sentences into it before mass killing starts. You need to spend some time setting the scene first, showing us who he is and what his life is like before you upend it completely. That will also give us time to get to know him as a character.
You also have a lot of grammar errors throughout. You capitalize China sometimes, but you need to do it all the time. You also sometimes forget to capitalize the beginning of sentences.
1.
You switched from third person to first person for one paragraph, than back again. Remember to keep it consistent all the way through.
2. Also:
“I am a link in Lord Buddha’s golden chain of love that stretches around the world.
I must keep my link bright and strong.
I will try to be kind and gentle to every living thing, and protect all who are weaker than myself.
I will try to think pure and beautiful thoughts, to say pure and beautiful words, and to do pure and beautiful deeds, knowing that on what I do now depends my happiness and misery.
May every link in Lord Buddha’s golden chain of love become bright and strong and may we all attain perfect peace.” and he marched to his death.[/quote]
When someone continues speaking, but what they say requires starting a new paragraph, you're supposed to put quotation marks at the start of every new paragraph, but not at the end. This indicates that it's the same person still speaking.
3. Don't use all caps. If you want to emphasize a word, use italics, since they're much more common in literature.
4. Finally, remember to start a new paragraph every time someone new starts talking.
Good luck and keep writing!
`this is a very nice story with nothing wrong with it this should be published