Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
Picture this; a ninth grader with red hair, a DOMO™ backpack, a DOMO™ hat, and FRED™ t-shirt pitches an idea to me in creative writing class.
"Born Still." His puberty ridden voice tells me.
"Wild guess," I say, "stillborns."
"Not exactly! It provides an in depth analysis on what are the true problems in life and lets people know what they should be careful about."
"So, a generic stillborn story. What's next, a story about a terminated pregnancy? We have an abundance of those already." My voice deepens. He slams his fist onto the table.
"How about you? What, with your stories about suicide and all that?! Don't you think that's generic too? Asshole."
"Easy now. My story isn't even about suicide."
"How about you just off yourself?"
"I will after I read your story."
He throws a punch. I jump out of the way, grab my backpack, and walk away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hello nowave! I really like your use of dialogue in the story. Your writing style was good but I think that it could use some work. The story felt a little choppy and all over the place like at first the boys are talking about which story to write and in the end they end up throwing punches and the main character walks away. This kind of brings the reader out of the story since it's just not believable.
Another thing is that we really don't know who any of these people are. We know that one writes about suicide and the other writes about stillborns, that's it. It makes it difficult to care about the characters at all.
The character's tone is also too mean spirited. Mean spirited humor can work yeah but you have to know who the characters are in order to get the joke. Here when the character says
it makes us not like this character even though the main character responds as if it is a lighthearted joke. To the reader he's just a brat with a bad attitude. When he throws the punch it also just makes it unrealistic and too rushed and also why were they sitting with each other if they didn't like each other in the end?
Anyway that's just my two cents. I hope to read more! Happy Writing!
-thedumbbrunette
Hi, nowave! Here's my two cents:
This story intrigues me... I like it because it is so mysterious, but at the same time it annoys me (I use the term "annoys" lightly) because I'm not sure what is going to happen or where it is going.
I'm not sure if you were trying to create a character I hate, but you succeeded...! I immediately feel a dislike to this character because of the way he dresses: immature, childish, etc. Also, the fact that he is a ninth-grader gives off the effect that he is naive and doesn't know of "real problems."
So, when he begins his idea:
I'm not sure if I can trust the character's idea because he seems too young to know what these problems consist of, and the causes and effects of such problems. Basically, you did a great job creating a character that I strongly dislike in just a few words, kudos to you!
Then, I love how the main character (the "I") remains calm throughout the freshman's slight tantrum. Because he/she remains calm, I get the feeling that he/she is more mature and experienced.
Your character development is incredible; you created two characters that I feel like I know a lot about in just a couple sentences of dialogue!
I would love to see this story go farther though- perhaps continue writing it? I'm so interested in the basic plot that I feel like I crave more!!!
Hey there,
This is quite an interesting (start to a?) story. Despite being short, I enjoyed it quite a bit. There isn't to go off of here, but the exchange is interesting, and you can really gather a lot about these characters even from this small exchange.
The narrator is a dismissive, perhaps rude person, who feels as though creativity is important in a story.
The second character seems to be trying to rationalise with the narrator, pitching his story, but is ready to defend his creativity, and has a short temper.
Anyway, from this, you seem quite talented, I'd like to see your future (hopefully a little longer) work.
Happy writing!
This sounds interesting I enjoyed it.
This sounds interesting I enjoyed it.