ReallyChapter One
Miranda looked at the small glass ball cradled in her palm. She was afraid of losing it. Her closest friend, Zoe had bought it for her. It had been a small present before Miranda had moved away. Miranda sighed, remembering. She hadn’t wanted to move, of course no one would. Ever since her parents had died, a lot had changed and she wasn’t sure she liked all of the changes that went on. She was living with her older brother, Michael now. He was married to a person called Zara. Both of them were professors at a college.
The ball was really strange if you looked at it. It was as big as a marble and was perfectly clear except for the inside. It was perfectly normal on the outside but the inside was full of some sort of mist. It swirled around, actually moving although, sometimes it was rather still. Sometimes, Miranda thought she heard voices coming from it. It was like there was something living inside, something that did not really have a true form. She had told her brother about it, but he had said that when he looked into the ball, it was plain. She loved looking at it even though it freaked her out sometimes.
Today was a Monday, in the middle of the summer holidays. Michael and Zara had gone for a meeting so Miranda was alone at home. She liked it when she was alone in the house. It was quiet and it was nice to just relax. Michael always gave her extra lessons when he was at home and had nothing else to do. Yes, this helped her a lot at school, making the lessons easier, but she wasn’t too fond of it all the same.
She lay back on her bed and looked at the ball. The stuff inside was swirling again going round and round. But now it was faster that it had ever been before. It was swirling so fast it looked like it was some kind of whirlpool. Miranda sat up, surprised. She moved towards the window and put it onto the windowsill to see it in the sunlight. The mist swirling stopped. Then it slowly started moving into a sign – an arrow!
Miranda picked up the ball and went out of the house. She stood on the lawn and looked at the ball. It pointed right. She walked towards the right. The mist started swirling again and then settled onto a straight. Then a left, then a straight until she reached the only tree in the garden, an old guava tree that had stopped giving fruit a month back. The mist inside the ball settled.
Miranda couldn’t help but feel very disappointed. She had thought that the ball had been giving her directions towards some sort of secret cave which would be filled with gold. She knew that this idea was very farfetched, but she couldn’t help hoping it was true. She turned to go home when she tripped on one of the trees roots. She fell face first onto the lawn.
Groaning, she got up and dusted herself. It took her a minute to realize that she wasn’t on her lawn standing in front of her house. Surrounding her was empty grassland. No house, no guava tree, no lawn – nothing she was familiar with in sight.
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Canary word: Present
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Intriguing. I am interested to see where this goes, how you will develop Miranda, and what role the glass ball will play in this story. I also really want to know where she is because while it was sudden it wasn't too sudden and it was enough to get me interested. One thing you might consider is would she disbelieve this glass ball and question what she is seeing and why/why not? I am looking forward to seeing more
Heya, this is a great idea that you've got going. I can see mystery and adventure along the horizon =]
- 'Her closet friends, Zoe had bought it for her' You need to add a comma after 'Zoe'
- 'her older brother, Michael now' You also need to add a comma after 'Michael', or discard the 'now' altogether as it isn't really needed.
- 'She was living with her older brother, Michael now. He was married to a person called Zara' This seems a bit inpersonal and creates the wrong impression about 'Miranda'. To make it seem more friendly I's change it to 'She was living with her older brother, Michael, and his wife, Zara'. But it's up to you =]
- You're sentence structure is really nice. I like how you vary the sentence length depending on the content.
- 'The stuff inside was swirling again going round and round' You need either a comma or a semi-colon after 'again'.
- This chapter is a bit fast paced and sometimes it can seem a little unbelievable. Try and show more emotion within the characters, like making 'Miranda' unsure whether she should follow this mysterious arrow or not. It will make it more realistic.
Hope these points help you out and good luck with the rest of this, Midnight x
Thanks so much! I'll try to make the grammar better on the coming chapters!