Young Writers Society

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This piece was wonderful. It gripped me from the very beginning. Something that was particularly beautiful about this piece is that although I didn't know very much about the characters (Length of relationship, age, looks, ect), I still felt like I knew them. I could still see them fairly clearly, which is hard to do without a lot of detail. While I was reading this, my brother knocked on my door (which was closed), and I jumped about ten feet in the air. I had to restart my heart three times before I could write this critique.
One thing I could suggest would be to start sentences differently. Typically, your sentences start with "I" or "My", and reading sentences that start with "I" one after the other makes less of an impact. Try to focus more on showing instead of telling, and you're golden. I really enjoyed this piece, though. Excellent work. Cheers!

My suspension of disbelief was taut as a guitar wire by the end of the first sentence, and snapped completely in the middle of the second paragraph. Who drops their shotgun on the floor besides their feet, other than members of the Esteemed Society Of People With Too Many Feet?

It seemed to me, as I was reading this piece, that it started out as a story about demon hunters, and then quickly fell into the romance territory... and then remembered it was about demon hunters again. There is a lot of extraneous information bogging down the main story, and at the same time there isn't enough information to make a compelling story.

I will assume that your goal was writing a story about a couple who hunt demons together. What is needed to brew a successful story out of that formula? Well, there's a couple -- so there has to be chemistry and attraction between them. There's hunting -- so there needs to be an element of pursuing something, or of being pursued, of being watched, or watching, being under threat, or threatening something -- it builds up suspension and gives your characters a reason to go on. And there are demons, which need to be good, ugly villains who are easy to hate.

Right now, there is no real chemistry between your main characters. They are trite, two-dimensional, and empty. Using up all the hot water is too cosmopolitan of a concern to belong to someone who lives in a log cabin in the woods. Even if it was plausible, it doesn't add to the relationship between the two characters. Show their love! Show Jared shielding Mara with his chest from a demon. Show her dragging him out of the heat at the threat to her own life. Give me a reason to believe you when you say they love each other.

There's really not much involving hunting either, other than the mention of a shotgun. I don't feel safe, unsafe, or watched when I read this piece. I don't feel like I'm in a tiny island of safety in the middle of a dark, brooding forest with demons skulking about. I feel like I'm in an American suburb home. This takes one out of the illusion rather suddenly. Where are the birds? Where is their sudden silence when the audience holds their breath and listens for the tapping on the house's windows, from the long-taloned hand of a demon? Give me something to feel in this world.

Good job on the demon, however. I am glad you did not show it right away, because that left me to my imagination. All I know is that the demon has claws, three of them on one hand probably, and it goes for the face -- at the very least. Not the most original idea, but at least I can make up my own image of what it looks like. And then, later on, you can subvert my ideas by revealing the demon to be something unexpected, giving me a most wonderful twist.

Also -- when you write in first-person, don't say "My lips curled into a playful smile." Do you ever think to yourself, when you're smiling, "my lips curled into a playful smile"? How do you know it's playful? Do you always carry a mirror with you to check your smile quality? That's an element of third-person narration leaking into your first-person. The two are like beer and wine -- good by themselves, not so good when mixed.

Your shotgun,
cC

Hello there, I'm here to offer a review on this story.

I liked the plot of your story, at least what I've read so far (I'm assuming that this is an unfinished piece), it seems promising and looks like it'll be a lot of fun once you work on it.

I think you need to focus on avoiding cliches, such as when one character says, "Thanks, handsome" to the other. Another example of this is the whole discussion involving the hot water. I thought that was kind of strange and it it just made the dialogue kinda weird. Why would demon-hunters, who seemingly just came in from a raid or something involving demons, be having such a mundane conversation immediately after? Also work on making the dialogue clearer, sometimes I didn't know which character was saying what.

[[“Okay. I need to shower. I feel so dirty next to you.” Jared laughed.
“That’s funny because it’s usually me who’s all grimy.” he said.
“I know. It’s so weird.” I stood up. Jared held onto my hand.
“Don’t dawdle.” I smiled.
“Says the one who used all the hot water.”
“How long are you going to keep that going?” he asked.
“Only until your reaction stops being so cute.” I kissed his forehead. Jared sighed happily. “I’ll make it quick.” I promised.]]

I found this whole section to be confusing, so do work on trying to make it more understandable to the reader.

Overall, I think that your story shows great potential. I like the characters and the storyline. Keep writing

Okay, did I miss the beginning of the story?

There was a spelling mistake, but only one, and I already forgot what it was. So, obviously, it wasn't that important.

This story is amazing. it sort of pulls you in, makes you want to read more. I love the concept of a love story somewhere out in the sticks. I was kind of sad, at the end, when the peacefulness imploded with the sight of Jared all ripped up.Where do you get these ideas?

This was a sweet story, I love reading about couples. A couple who investigates paranormal activity is a great idea. This needs a couple of grammar fixes for sure, but other than that, what is he story about the hot water? This also left me hanging. Is there going to be a second one? Or am I never going to know who had the shot gun or why he was outside and covered in gashes and blood? This was a good beginning or even middle of a story but this needs a little more to it. Good luck! :*