z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Boys in Blue Chapter 1

by notresponsible


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

It was a bright summer day in Providence, Rhode Island and the body of Antonio Jackson laid lifelessly in the sidewalk. His eyes were wide open, gun on in his mouth, on his back in a puddle if his own blood. Around him were yellow tapes that read CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS. There were 5 officers on the site; two of them holding back the screaming mother and her other son.

“No, not my baby!” she sobbed uncontrollably. “Please god! Why did you take him?” She fell to her knees.

The man next to her screamed, “I swear if I find out who did this to my brother!” he had hatred on his face and revenge in his eyes. The man points to an officer “you find out who did this! My brother did nothing to deserve this!”

“Look sir we will do the best we can.” the officer replied. “You mentioned you were his brother?”

“I’m Nate Jackson, his younger brother. I want- we want more than that! He has a daughter! How do you explain this to her! She’s only six years old and her mom’s a fucking junkie!” Nathan began to weep. “I’m gonna to find out for myself.” He couldn’t bear the site any longer he ran across the street to his car and took off, nearly hitting several other cars on the street.

Shortly after, Detective John Cobbs arrives on the scene. Cobbs steps out of his car and scratches the side of his beard. He pulls a bag of jelly beans out of his jeans. Chewing on jellybeans he walks through the riled up crowd, breaks the caution sign and walks over towards the body. This act enraged the crowd.

“Are you stupid? I’ll kill you!” one man said.

“Get away from him!” a woman shouted

“You’re dead!” A man shouted from the crowd. He pushed the two officers who tried to seal the opening Cobbs created. The man stood over six and a half feet. He his single arm pushed aside both officers and made his way toward Cobbs.

Cobbs drops his jellybeans pulled a gun out from under his shirt and yelled, “Hello good sir, my name is John and this is my buddy nine!”

The man slowed down but kept forward. “You won’t shoot me with police around.”

“Says who? You want to play victim big boy? I’ll show you victim!”

Pow!

The gun fired into the air. Almost instantly crowd diminished as half people ran off while the other half fell to the floor. The officers laughed as the once enraged man fell to the floor.

“What! What!” Cobbs yelled. “I am the police. You was gonna attack a police officer dumbass!” He pulled his badge out from under his shirt. The badge was strung around his neck.

“I’m gonna have your job!” The man whimpered.

Cobbs put his face on his palm. “Officers please arrest him for public intoxication. Now.” He said looking at the crowd. He puts his gun away and picks up what’s left of the bag of jellybeans “I apologize for what just happened. Please, get up. Now I know you people loved this man death is painful. However, we are humans too. We need time to figure out who did this and I need your cooperation. Witnesses go to the left and family to the right… family witnesses in the middle.” Cobbs walks over to a nearby officer. “Give me what you got sir.

The officer pulls out his notebook. “Detective, phone call took place approximately 2:35pm by April Jackson, the victim’s mother. We didn’t interview anyone like you said”

“Ok good, now it’s my turn.” Cobbs glances at the scene. “First he was shot in his head. Then he was shot in his knees. The gun in his mouth was used to kill him” Cobbs throws a jellybean in his mouth then makes his way to the victim’s mother.

“Sir, how do you know?” the officer was in awe with the quick analysis made be the detective

“Lucky guess.” Cobbs shot back. “Now miss Jackson. Tell me what you remember”

“well…” she said with a sniffle. “This man, he would come every Saturday at 12pm like today. He was tall thin, white, blue eyes, and middle aged. Him and Tony would talk for like fifteen minutes then leave. This went on for a month. He told me the man was his mentor. But I knew something was wrong they were gone for too long. Then 2 hours later I hear gunshots something told me to go see what it was.”

Cobbs’s eyes lit up. “How was he your son behaving before ma’am?”

“He was excited to meet the man today. He said he is gonna hero. But now he’s dead.” Her eyes began to water. Cobbs embraced her.

“I promise I will catch this man for you. Don’t you worry about a thing. Give me a minute I have to make a phone call.

Cobbs goes into his car. He pulls out his pone. “4-0-1-2-4-3-5-4-6-7

The phone rings twice. On the third ring a man picks up the phone. His voice was timid and paranoid.

“Johnny it wasn’t my fault!” The man on the phone pleaded. “He said two million or he’s going to the chief! I’m sorry! I did it for the group!”

“Relax.” Cobbs replied. “Just meet me at the spot tonight we’ll get past this. Don’t be late, I gotta go I got more phone calls to make.”


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28 Reviews


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Thu May 29, 2014 1:30 pm
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truealpha wrote a review...



Hello just here to do a small review.

Well the beginning was alright. Stating the place/area of the crime. Though I didn't really see a date or a year, so I assume it takes place during the present. Also the gun was in his mouth at the crime scene, and normally the killer doesn't leave the gun with the victim, well not a smart one. When I first read that part I thought it was suicide not murder. But you could have wrote like that for a reason I don't know.

Also when you dial numbers I think your suppose to put ' ' not " ", don't quote me on that.

But other then that it was interesting




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Tue May 27, 2014 1:43 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

So, I'm not the one that you'd come to if you want nitpicks. But I do have a few for you here. So bare with me please.

and the body of Antonio Jackson laid lifelessly in the sidewalk.

I think you meant 'on', not 'in'.

His eyes were wide open, gun on in his mouth, on his back in a puddle if his own blood.

I do believe you meant 'of' instead of 'if'.

Okay, so I have to be honest here and say I'm a bit confused. From when I gather, this man was killed and now Detective Cobbs in on the case. Another thing I've noticed is that this man that has died was quite popular in the city or the area. But you really haven't given us any reasoning as to why. You just tell us, making me wonder exactly how he was when he was alive.

Another thing that is sort of confusing me is what that whole conversation was about at the end. Cobbs calls someone who we don't know and tells him to meet him somewhere later that night. Yet there's a dead body laying there and he's not really doing anything about it. Maybe we'll figure out who this person is that he called in a later chapter. But as for now, I really liked to have seen some foreshadowing as to who this man is. Like maybe say that Cobbs recognized the voice soon as he picked up or that he could never forget the voice of the man he talked to every day in private. I guess I'm just looking for something a little more, something that will kind of clue me in as to who this man is.

What I'm basically trying to say in these last two paragraphs is that you leave out a lot of detail. You describe all of the events very well, but there isn't much other than that. Really get into it and dig deep into the story and your characters. Show us everything you know about this murder scene and about Detective Cobbs. Okay, maybe not everything you know, but you know what I mean.

So all that aside, I think this is a great start. You've got a good premise here. Murders, crimes, mysteries; they're all good things to start out a story with. You really pull the readers in right away because the first thing they read is something that they're dying to know the answer to. I for one am really intrigued as to how this man died. I mean sure we get the official autopsy report, but that can't be all there is to this murder! I really want to learn more.

Your characters are pretty solid at this point. It's the beginning of the novel so there isn't much I have to go off of. Although, looking back over it again, I realize that there aren't many descriptions of the characters in this chapter; you don't describe their physical features. You'll want to add this in either when you edit through the first chapter or somewhere early in the second chapter. Descriptions of characters are quite important as I'm sure you know.

Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'd be glad to stop by and read it :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**






Thank you for the pointers!I will try to use them in the next chapter. Also, you will have to read the next chapter to figure out more.



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Mon May 26, 2014 8:40 am
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Dutiful wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here to review your work! First of all, welcome to the family :)

Now, on to your story:

I have mixed feelings regarding this. I like this chapter because it kind of looked an episode from CSI and Sherlock mixed together xD

I admit, the beginning was a bit off-putting, but towards the end I was really intrigued.

I'll start with nitpicking, just to get it out of the way (:

There seems to be a problem with tense. Not to worry, everyone goes through that. You need to be clear on what tense you wish to follow throughout the story. At the beginning it alternates from past to present, then it just sticks with the present. If you want to go with present, just remember that everything should be written in that format. For example, you cannot say ,

"She looked at him, clearly scared and pleaded, 'Help me, please...' and then go all, "She picks up the revolver lying at her feet and aims it at the man..."

Do you see my point?

Stick with the tense :)

I didn't find any problems with the punctuation. Good job.


His eyes were wide open, gun on in his mouth, on his back in a puddle if his own blood.


There seems to be a problem with this one. I think you could have written it as, "He was on his back, in a puddle of his own blood, with his eyes wide open, while a gun rested in his open mouth."

It's just a suggestion anyway :)

...were yellow tapes that read CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS.


When you're writing things like , 'It read' or 'It said', you need to put the words in question within quotes.

Like, "..were yellow tapes that read, 'CRIME SCENE, DO NOT CROSS.'

There were 5 officers on the site...


All numbers should be written using alphabets.

He couldn’t bear the site (?) any longer he ran across the street to his car and took off, nearly hitting several other cars on the street.


..any longer he ran across the street to his car and took off...


I think you missed something there.

“How was he your son behaving before ma’am?”


He said he is gonna hero


There seems to be some missing words here.

The phone rings twice. On the third ring a man picks up the phone. His voice was timid and paranoid.


This needn't have been put in italics :)

Phew! That's all for nitpicking :)

Anyways, on to the story:

I can't really say much about the story yet since you've only just begun. I think it's a very good plot. But I think you can make it more dramatic, for that impact, if you know what I mean? Up till the end, I thought this was going to be a standard detective story, but that last bit had me very intrigued. Good job! With a little changes and practice, this could be a great story!

Great job!

Keep Writing!

Cheers!






I appreciate your review.





Thank you for pointing out my mistake with tense! I will be sure to work on it in my next chapter




Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl