Published June 20, 2008
Munching on cashews,
trying hard to concentrate.
Pink hair veis my eye.
Drinking herbal tea,
Writing a double haiku.
A willo tea cup.
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Like ringo_rules, I'm not much of a haiku fan, but they can be done really well when the words and ideas are chosen and constructed carefully. Unfortunately, I don't feel this is a particularly well-done double haiku. The images are weakened by the lack of coherence, and the reader is left wondering what the purpose of the poem is. I've always felt that haikus do best with a very narrow focus. Perhaps you could work on building a stronger image by keeping to a strict range of objects/ideas. The tea, and the cashews, and the combination they make might give the reader a better flavour of the moment.
Just my two cents.
Cheers,
~bubbles
When I first read this, I was a bit confused, but once I read it over I understood the theme you were going for, which was pretty clever from my viewpoint.
I've never been a fan of haikus in general, the syllable restrictions allow for little to no description in my opinion, which bothers me in a huge way because it makes less of an impact.
Now onto the first haiku:
I liked the first two lines, but the last line confused me. I don't know if you have pink hair, but I think a different adjective would be better so you could relate to your audience better. I don't know how many YWS members have pink hair. It seems out of place to me. Maybe I'm ignorant, but I have never of "veis", please explain.
Number two!
This was a bit awkward. The first line was good, but you don't need to capitalize the first word of the second line.
Willo tea cup? Did you mean "Willow tea cup"? Anyway that line really stuck out to me. I know you were drinking tea from a "willow tea cup" now that I read it over, but tie that thought together.
Hope this helps!
When I first read this, I was a bit confused, but once I read it over I understood the theme you were going for, which was pretty clever from my viewpoint.
I've never been a fan of haikus in general, the syllable restrictions allow for little to no description in my opinion, which bothers me in a huge way because it makes less of an impact.
Now onto the first haiku:
I liked the first two lines, but the last line confused me. I don't know if you have pink hair, but I think a different adjective would be better so you could relate to your audience better. I don't know how many YWS members have pink hair. It seems out of place to me. Maybe I'm ignorant, but I have never of "veis", please explain.
Number two!
This was a bit awkward. The first line was good, but you don't need to capitalize the first word of the second line.
Willp tea cup