I stood and watched uneasily out the tinted window as the colossal surf began to grow more and more wild with each successive wave. The lifeguard tower that I occupied was being pummeled with wind, and the palm trees outside were bowing to the force of the gale. The sky overhead was a dark, threatening gray. The waves were reaching heights even beyond the expected seasonal huge surf. Though I knew it was impossible, I feared that the titanic waves would reach so far inland that they would sweep away my tiny residence. This lifeguard tower was my refuge, and the only place that I felt safe. Without it, I would be lost.
It was only late evening, but I was exhausted. I had been unable to sleep the previous night. The regular, dull thunder of waves on sand was lulling me to sleep despite my half-hearted efforts to stay awake. I laid down on the plastic bench in the back of the tower and pulled a blanket over myself. Especially down on the beach, it could get surprisingly cold for a tropical island. Soon, the comfort of the blanket and the repeating crash of the waves took me to a trance-like state of calm, and then to deep sleep.
---
I awoke to a rattling noise coming from the door of the tower. It was some obscenely early hour of the morning, but the waves were still thundering outside. The sky was overcast, but the full moon still managed to illuminate the inside of the lifeguard tower with silver rays almost as bright as daylight. It had begun to rain; the drops impacted on the roof of the tower with a hollow smack.
The rattling came again, continuing longer this time. My mind still, only a few seconds removed from sleep, struggled to form coherent thought. It’s only the wind, I told myself, becoming embarrassed at my easy fright. I resettled myself into my bedding and began to fall under the spell of the familiar noises of the rain and the ocean. I couldn’t fall fully asleep though. Something that I couldn’t quite pinpoint tickled the back of my mind.
I roused myself again and pulled myself upright, sitting and leaning backwards onto my straightened arms. No sooner had I finished the motion than the phantom idea became concrete. I can’t hear the wind anymore. It’s not the wind rattling the door. I tensed, balling my hands into fists that clutched the bedding beneath them. My eyes darted about the tiny room, and I slowly lowered myself back down to a lying position.
I knew that I had locked the door. I always locked it; obsessively even. Whatever it was couldn’t possibly get in without shattering the thick fiberglass windows.
I considered rising and observing whatever was attempting entry through the windows, then quickly dismissed the thought. I had the irrational idea that beholding its form would enrage it. I didn’t want to know what it was anyway. Its nature was forbidden knowledge. I would be punished for learning it. I decided to close my eyes and keep them firmly shut, just in case it decided to move into my field of vision.
There was a while of silence, and I thought that maybe it had lost interest and left. I began to calm, only then realizing that I had been holding in my breath. My heartbeat slowed, and I began to fall back asleep, hoping that I could just dismiss the events as imagined when I awoke.
When it knocked I nearly jumped to my feet. Three short, undeniably intentional, raps on the door of my abode. Something intelligent, even willful was definitely out there. My ears strained for any noise of movement, any signal that it had devised some insidious way inside. I startled myself when I imagined that it was already somehow inside, observing me from inches away at the very moment. I only barely resisted opening my eyes, fearful of observing something I shouldn’t.
For another few minutes, my heart thudded intensely in terrified anticipation of another signal from the entity. Maybe a quarter of an hour later, I felt that I might be alone again. I struggled to go to sleep as quickly as possible. I had an unshakable notion that my simple act of experiencing this being was causing it to become infinitely more dangerous. It was better to sleep. I succeeded in my efforts and fell into unconsciousness.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello nosirrah123, steampowered here with a review!
My first impressions with this piece were that it’s interesting and well-written but could possibly be improved in a few places. Firstly, as Sagitta rightly pointed out, we don’t know a huge amount about this character. I’m assuming they’re possibly quite a reclusive person, since they’ve taken up a job as a lifeguard on an island, and that makes me interested to know what caused that to happen in their life. They seem kind of… troubled to me.
The thing I wasn’t sure about with this chapter was the action. They wake up in the night, there’s clearly a bit of tension, but then the character goes back to sleep again. I felt like you could have explored the tension further and really amped up the sinister encounter. Some dialogue perhaps – a frightened “Hello?” and maybe the door-handle moves or a shadow flits outside the window. At the moment, I don’t feel much for the character and I don’t feel enough engagement with the scene. Maybe you could flesh out some of your descriptions to increase the suspense. Is the character sweating, jumping at every tiny noise? Have they heard any stories about the place which might lead them to be scared?
You might also want to rethink some of your vocabulary choices. For example, you refer to the tower as a “residence” and an “abode” which seems rather grandiose considering it’s presumably a little wooden cabin on stilts (although this might tell us something of the character) The surf and waves are referred to as “colossal” and “titanic” in the opening paragraph; I’d consider replacing “titanic” with “giant” so it jars less, but that’s just my opinion.
I don’t really have a lot else to say, but you do open with some mystery which is good. I’d personally consider extending the first chapter since the scene feels a little rushed, and play more with the reader’s emotions.
Hopefully this review was helpful. Keep writing!
-steampowered-
I'd definitely agree with you that this chapter is rushed. Looking back, I wish that I had not released this in the state that it is in. I'm definitely going to go back and revise it a lot so that it's in a condition I'm happy with.
I see now that some of the things that I wanted to be inferred by the reader were not apparent enough, and that the scene that was supposed to be suspenseful was not as drawn-out as it should have been.
Thank you for the feedback!
Woo, spooky!
Hi, nosirrah! I'm Sagitta and I'll be reviewing your work today.
Now, this work is very interesting - I'm not the greatest fan of ghost stories, but this one has me interested! It follows its own path; your story doesn't use the trope of a house or abandoned factory. I love the setting, a lighthouse. Lighthouses are the last place most people would expect to find a ghost.
Making your setting a lighthouse also makes sense. Ghosts tend to hang out wherever people are - people live in lighthouses, and they're an unusual place to write a story. Great job!
Character development is interesting in this chapter. Your character has not revealed a name, age, or gender, yet we know two things; one, your character feels safe within their lighthouse, and two, they get scared pretty easily. This is good! Dumping a load of info on your reader isn't the best way to go about writing. This is just my personal preference, but I'd like to read about how your character came to live in this lighthouse.
There's pretty much only two little bits of nitpicking -
Here, your character tells us that they couldn't sleep last night. In the next sentence, they move on to the fact that the sounds of the sea are lulling them to sleep. Why were they unable to sleep previously? If they feel safe within their lighthouse, what was keeping them awake?
The way you describe actions in this chapter is very interesting! However, in this sentence, you've used 'myself' twice. This gets very repetitive - consider editing it out.
Also, your sentences are often long. Try using mixtures of interesting punctuation and techniques to shorten some of them! I have this habit too, though long sentences aren't always a bad thing.
Well done on writing this excellent chapter! Good luck in the future, and I'll be looking out for more of your work.
- Sagi
Thank you for the feedback! It seems however, that you misread. The character resides in a lifeguard tower, not a lighthouse. I can see how you confused the two but I thought I should point it out.
As for your nitpicks: I intended the character's inability to sleep to foreshadow that something sinister was unnerving them. Maybe though, I could make this more clear. Also, I don't find the repetition of "myself" in that sentence to be too bothersome, but I might be incorrect.
The sentence structure criticism however, is highly accurate. This tends to be one of my weak points. Sentence structure will be a focus of my next revision.
Again, thank you for the feedback!