The Boy lingered in the house for another 15 minutes or so, fearing that he would be caught leaving the place. He tried to avoid looking at the silently bleeding body of the Tinker during this time, but the stench of blood filled the air nonetheless. A silence fell upon the house — the kind of shocked silence that rules between tumult and aftermath. A gently whirring fan could be heard as its rusty blades rustled against the cage. The building periodically groaned as it wrestled to stabilize the huge cable. Nothing else moved. Eventually, The Boy’s need to vacate the scene overcame his fear of being caught and he left the strange house.
Only after he put some distance between himself and the house did he feel the danger had passed. In fact, he had his life, his money, and he didn’t even have to part ways with the device. If not for all the excitement and death, he had made out quite well from the transaction. He stopped and sat down against an abandoned house, taking a few relaxed breaths to calm his nerves. As his breathing stabilized and the last of the adrenaline was spent, a stinging pain roared to life all down the front of his torso.
The Boy frantically clawed off his shirt to examine the damage to himself. The skin of his chest had become pink, wet, and incredibly sensitive. It stung in the musty, stagnant air. He needed to wash it. That was what you did with a burn right?
He burst into the abandoned home he had been lying against and searched for a water source of some kind. In the back he found a pipe in the floor that was corked with a moldy sock. Uncorking it unleashed a stream of cool water, which The Boy quickly allowed to wash over his chest.
He crouched there, bent over the jet, letting the water purify his wound. The pressure and coldness of the stream began to numb the affected area. It was greatly relieving, and The Boy enjoyed the sensation for a few minutes. After he was finished he took a deep drink of the water and filled an empty bottle. It was a rare pleasure to tap into a pipe carrying such a clean and pleasant flow of water. Most pipe-water was lukewarm and of questionable drinking quality.
What would he do now? He felt uneasy about staying in the city. No matter how certain he was that he had not been spotted, a primal paranoia worried that, beyond all odds, he had.
He sat and thought for a while. In his contemplation his hand mindlessly worked its way into his pocket. He felt the smooth metal object therein that had caused this adventure. He wondered what all the fuss was about. The Boy retrieved the device and twisted it open. It took him a moment of clicking between screens of unintelligible data, but he again found the simple map he had been shown before.
The Boy rose to his feet, still staring at the screen in his hands. He shuffled about a bit and analyzed the effect it had on the map. As far as he could gather, he was represented by a small arrow that pointed in the direction he faced. Once he understood the workings of the gadget, he left the abandoned house. He was still fiddling with the device as he rounded a corner onto a street that would, through a very winding manner, bring him back to the market to buy supplies.
He spotted the mass of RE soldiers, and then the commander addressing them. The officer spied him back only a moment later, taking sudden interest of the very conspicuously glowing object that The Boy held.
Both parties sprung into action instantly. The officer yelled commands to his startled underlings, and The Boy sprinted away with the instinctive passion of a hunted animal. He made as many turns as he could in as random a manner as he could, hoping to lose his pursuers in the confusing layout of the city.
Improvising any route he could, The Boy ran through, over, or between buildings, many of which were occupied as he did so. Never looking back, he was unsure if he had yet lost the RE, and would have continued running even if he thought he had. Driven wild by terror, he plunged down narrow alleys, barreled past groups of dangerous looking individuals, and scampered over fences and roofs until he reached the end of the city. When he reached the border of Scott, he continued to run on into the darkness.
The Boy began to calm as his surroundings grew darker in the absence of the city lights. When finally he was entirely submerged in the concealing black, his fear left him, and he fell to his knees gasping. He stayed on all fours until he regained his breath and his composure; the first came several minutes before the second. He rose trembling and cast his sight into the dusty blackness.
Once cast, his vision did not sail far. His eyes had not been given a chance to dilate open to receive what meager illumination his flashlight provided. He stood and stared into the darkest region he could discern until he began to sense shapes about him. He took his compass in his hand and struggled to compare it to a hand-drawn map. After several minutes of fruitless effort, The Boy furtively switched on his flashlight. He cupped the lens with his hand, trying vainly to conceal the light he afforded himself. He worked as quickly as he could to orient himself, and turned off his flashlight as soon as he was finished.
Once the flashlight was off, The Boy remained still, thinking intensely. He could try his best to make it down to Jeremiah, but he had failed to purchase any of the appropriate supplies for the trip. Without additional rations, his chances of success were slim. His best shot was to wait out in the wastes as long as he could while things calmed down, then sneak back into Scott, buy supplies, and slip right back out.
Then The Boy remembered the device. He fished it from his pocket and managed to summon its map once again. He pulled it into his shirt and viewed it there to hide its distinct and other-worldly blue glow. The place it detailed was only an hour’s walk away, and it would occupy him while he waited to re-enter Scott. Additionally, whatever was there was probably extremely valuable. He memorized the next stages of the route and twisted the tube shut. He set off, curious as to what he might find.
---
Roughly an hour and a half later, The Boy arrived at the point designated by the device. He sighed. Not only was the spot empty, it was also located in one of the most barren stretches of land he had ever encountered. There was simply nothing to find or inspect here, just a metal floor, darkness, and dust, like everywhere else.
When he looked again at the luminescent map, it confirmed that he was indeed standing directly atop his destination. Whatever fantastical thing the tinker had been so desperate to find, it didn’t exist. He had died in defense of nothing. The Boy, deeply disappointed, sunk to his knees to rest a minute before making the return trip to Scott. His knee collided with something hard and sharp, causing him to rock back clutching his knee.
Once he had recovered from his injury, he turned on his flashlight to inspect the cause. It was an unusually pristine metal cube jutting out of the usual mess of decaying cables and tubes that was the ground. The cube was relatively small, only about one foot wide, and in the center was a circular alcove. They boy stuck a finger into the cavity to judge its depth, which seemed to activate the contraption. Bands of bluish light ran in a spiral around the panel, meeting in the cavity. The Boy, seeing the similarities in design, put two and two together and produced the device. He inserted it into the cavity, where it fit snugly.
For a moment, nothing happened. Before The Boy had time to feel disappointed, the ground beneath him shuddered, then shot downward. The platform descended with deafening bangs and screeches that made it seem like it would crash at any moment. It fell so rapidly that it was nearly in free fall. The walls of interlocking pipes shot upwards as The Boy was blasted with wind, chilling him greatly and whipping his greasy hair up behind him. It was all he could do to hold on as he rocketed down into the unknown. Every moment he predicted that in the next he would either come to a stop or crash and die. He was wrong again and again for almost three minutes, which was when the platform came to a slow and gradual stop.
Once the stop was complete, the platform began a more graceful and measured descent. After only a second of this, the tunnel that had been just big enough to accommodate the few square yards of platform that The Boy had been riding on opened into a cavernous, cathedral-like room. The walls abruptly turned from chaotic tangles of cables and pipes to smooth brushed aluminum coated with dust. The platform glided down the center of the room on four rails that hung from the ceiling and gripped the platform by the wheels on its corners.
Each of the four walls was lined with large glass tanks, all shattered. Some still contained their original occupant, but by now they were all skeletons that lay, hung, or swayed grimly. It was a horrifying scene, and The Boy was disturbed by it. He had no idea what would meet him at the bottom of the shaft (if such a bottom existed), and was acutely aware of his inability to stop or reverse his descent into the catacombs. He stewed in his helplessness until he spotted the only two functioning tanks left.
Rising to meet him were two tanks full of luminous blue liquid side-by-side. As they came closer, he saw that one was empty, and that one contained a single person. It was only as he passed them that he could glimpse the features of the singular occupant. She was tall, had light brown hair, and was maybe a couple of years older than him. She wore a gray latex jumpsuit that was markless except for a band that ran where a belt would be. The Boy stared at her incredulously as he passed. It had been only 5 minutes since he had slipped the device into the socket, and everything since then had seemed too surreal to be true.
Only a few seconds after he passed the girl, the elevator stopped at the bottom. The floor was littered with scattered bones that had fallen from the shattered tanks above. The aluminum walls ended several feet above the floor, exposing the braided pipes. The air was even more still and moist than what The Boy was used to breathing, and the place felt undisturbed and secret - a description that applied to much of the underground, but even more so to here.
The only item apart from the bones and the floor was a terminal attached to one of the walls. Having no other course of action, The Boy approached the protruding screen, avoiding stepping on the bones when he could, and wincing at the crunch when he could not.
The terminal was covered with a thick coating of red rust-based dust. It looked so derelict that on first glance The Boy thought it was broken, but a solitary and blinking green light in the top left hinted that it may still be functioning. When The Boy approached, the screen blinked blue briefly, and then turned to a black screen with three lines of text. They read: “Life Support Systems low. Emergency operator dispensed. Insert portable core.”
The Boy noticed another slot for his device in the wall behind the screen. He quickly retrieved the core from the platform and slotted it in. To his dismay, the valuable core was pulled into the wall and out of sight. He might have tried to retrieve it if he wasn’t so desperate to escape. The display rapidly flashed blue a few more times, then displayed a new set of text that read: “Cryo-stasis stability critical. Evacuating all survivors.”
The tank containing the girl, which was about 30 feet off the ground, was pushed out of its niche and attached the the rails by a large pneumatic claw. From there, it slowly lowered itself to the ground. Once it reached the floor, it began to slowly drain itself of the blue fluid, which was emitting light of its own accord. The goo trickled down through the porous mechanical layers, bringing light to unknown, dark places.
When the goo was gone, leaving the girl inside totally dry, the glass window swung open. The girl’s eyelids slowly began to twitch, along with her fingers. Suddenly, her eyes snapped open and her knees buckled, sending her falling forward. The Boy quickly stepped forward and grabbed her arm to stop her right before she collided with the ground. He could feel her pulse in the arm he had grabbed and was glad that she was not dead. She was too scrawny for him to see her as a threat, and in the case that he was stuck down here, being alone with a freshly dead corpse was less favorable than being stuck with another person.
As The Boy lowered the incoherent girl down to the floor, a synthesized voice echoed loudly: “Evacuation complete. Survivor total: 1. Casualty total: 619. Unaccounted: 1.” The Boy covered his ears. The voice was unbearably loud. “15 minutes of power remaining, board and activate the emergency elevator immediately or you will be stranded until emergency personnel arrive.” The Boy doubted that any such people would ever arrive.
The Boy picked up the girl as the tank raised itself and slotted back into its alcove. He placed her on the elevator and turned his attention to the cube on the platform that he had tripped over. He stuck his fingers into the hole as he had before. He was lucky that this activated the elevator, because he could not think of any other way he could try to do so.
The two began to rise, gaining speed as they went up, but never reaching the amazing speeds The Boy had achieved on his way in. The Boy stooped over the girl and checked her for any obvious wounds. He could find none. She was breathing normally, so she had not drowned in the goo to any extent. He thought she might have a concussion or the like, but finding no bump or evidence of this, he could think of nothing else. Unable to diagnose her as anything more than unconscious, The Boy decided he would let her rest and see what would happen.
The trip back up was nerve-racking to The Boy; he had no idea of their relative progress, and he feared that they would lose power part-way through their trip. The platform might simply fall when it lost power, plunging them to their deaths. Even worse, it could simply halt. They would be stuck so far underground that they would have no chance of returning above.
Halfway up the chamber, the synthesized, halting voice returned and said, “12 minutes power remaining, engaging emergency lighting.” Shortly after, The Boy became bathed in harsh crimson light; the transition from comforting darkness to incredibly bright, sheer red light was blinding to The Boy. He was happy when they cleared the ceiling of the room and headed towards ground level, plunging them into darkness.
---
The next 10 minutes passed without event, and soon, the two reached the surface (or at least one definition of the surface). The moment the elevator arrived, The Boy leapt off, pulling the girl with him. As her dragging ankles cleared the edge, the platform screeched and rocketed downward. Its echoing screams faded into the distance.
The Boy pulled in deep breaths, relieved to be off that deathtrap of an elevator. He checked his watch. It was still too early to return to Scott, and journeying back to the outskirts now would only increase his chances of being found, so staying put for now was the smarter option. Additionally, he had no way to transport the girl as long as she was unconscious, and he was unwilling to leave her to die for no good reason after putting so much effort into saving her.
After making sure the girl was lying relatively comfortably, The Boy settled down as best he could on the hard, cold, uneven ground. In the dark, quiet underground, a nap was rarely out of the question. It took The Boy more than an hour to calm down enough to fall asleep.
---
When The Boy awoke seven or so hours later, his grumbling stomach decided that it was time to head back. He oriented himself with his compass, then got up and walked over to the girl. He shook her until she woke up. After a few incoherent groans on her part, The Boy managed to goad her to her feet.
“Where... am I?” she asked drearily yet loudly, as if her ears weren’t working properly.
“Don’t worry about it. Come on, we have to go,” The Boy responded as he hoisted her to her feet, “How do you feel?”
“I feel... my head hurts,” the girl said as she came to her feet, “Why is it so dark?”
“Let me turn on my flashlight,” The Boy said, supporting her with his shoulder and flicking on his flashlight, “Come on let’s go.” They started off, but the girl stumbled and stopped.
“I still can’t see anything,” she said.
“Just let your eyes adjust, and talk more quietly.”
“I’m whispering.”
“No you’re not,” The Boy said flatly. They walked in silence for a few more moments.
“Who are you?”
“I’m a guy,” he said, even more flatly. There were another few moments of silence enforced by The Boy’s demeanor, until the girl’s confusion and fear drove her to speak further.
“Where are we? Are we underground? Is this The Sink?”
“Obviously. And we’re near Scott.”
“What’s Scott?” They boy sighed, and refused to answer this question. She prodded him a few more times, but he was determined to end the dialogue. For the next few hours, The Boy ignored the girl’s questioning advances as they wandered in the direction of Scott.
Even though The Boy stonily rejected the girl’s questions, just being able to ask them consoled her in her delirious state. Whenever she managed to formulate a question, she was able to categorize another subject under the label of “unknown,” leaving behind those things that were familiar.
One thing that was familiar to her was The Boy’s stony expression. She thought she could remember that face from pictures of child soldiers and war refugees in the news. From her view just behind his shoulder (for even when she recovered enough to walk, she stuck close) she could keep a close watch on his expressions.
His face rested in a suspicious squint; he had spent too many years expecting danger at any moment. Every time he stopped to navigate, he could not go more than a few seconds without glancing up anxiously, expecting to see a threat lumbering into view every time. He didn’t even seem too sure of the girl herself, occasionally looking back to search her face for any ill intent. He attempted to keep a safe distance between himself and the girl, but she clung close at hand, terrified of becoming lost in the imposing wastes.
It was in this state that the two walked to, and arrived at Scott. This first exposure to the frightening vastness of her new world left lasting impression on the girl.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there! I'm back.
So, yeah, this is definitely third person omniscient, and I'm starting to warm to it now. Even though we aren't in the character's head, in this part you show their emotions more clearly regardless.
A tendency that I didn't mention in my last review, but is something that I've noticed, is that your paragraphs tend to be a little long. Not the ones describing the scene, but the action ones, where stuff is exploding and The Boy is running or whatever. Basically, during those parts you'll generally want to have slightly shorter paragraphs so that readers don't accidentally miss important information because it's "buried" in a paragraph, and, more importantly, it helps contribute to that tension.
On to smaller things, since to be honest this chapter doesn't really have any huge structural problems.
So, this paragraph should probably be broken in half at "Once.." Basically because he leaves the house in the middle of a paragraph, and a complete change of setting really needs a paragraph break so it doesn't feel like everything is running together. There are other places where I thought something similar could apply, but this was the place where it felt really strange because of that.
The other main thing is that I don't think you need the first scene break. It's just a difference of ten minutes, and they're still in pretty much the same situation as they were before. Just say something like "After ten minutes of walking/running/whatever, they reached..."
Finally, your last line just felt a little lackluster to me. "A lasting impression" just felt too matter-of-fact, not to mention bereft of detail.
And that's it! If anything I said was confusing, just ask!
Greetings Nosirrah! I'm back for another review of your fantastic story!
I can find nothing wrong (other than one minor note that I will soon get to) here, which is the sign or AWESOMENESS! So, (holds up some crumpled yellow paper) here are my notes! 




Yet again, I really can't see how things can get any better. You must slave over the computer screen for hours and hours on end, trying to make your chapter as freakishly awesome as possible! Seriously, it seems to pay off for you.
'It looked so derelict that on first glance The Boy thought it was broken, but a solitary and blinking green light in the top left hinted that it may still be functioning.'
I love how you used solitary. It feels like you're indicating that there may be a shred of usefulness (or something like that) to come. But there is which is so cool! Little things like these--whether you notice them or not--really bring out your story.
'Whatever fantastical thing the tinker had been so desperate to find, it didn’t exist. He had died in defense of nothing.'
Sheesh. How cruel. So dramatic in a way. (Depending on how you look at it.) This again feels like you're hinting t something to come. Which, again, there will be. But it's still a really cool part. It's a bit like a noticeable thing of the background (like a really pretty bird in a forest). Does that make sense? I also love how you added some sort of description that brought it to life.
'...causing him to rock back clutching it.'
This is my little note that I mentioned at the start.
What is he clutching? His knee? The thing he hit his knee on? (That one would be weird.) This makes it seem like he's clutching the thing he hit his knee on. (Am I making any sense? I don't feel like I am.)
'The walls abruptly turned from chaotic tangles of cables and pipes to smooth brushed aluminum coated with dust. The platform glided down the center of the room on 4 rails that hung from the ceiling and gripped the platform by the wheels on it’s corners.'
Love the description. It feels like I can know the place better, get better feel. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
I do have a few nitpicks that I just noticed, though.
~Usually, some numbers are written in letter form (I think it's ten and below, but there could be more). So, your 4 would be a four.
~The second-last word (otherwise known as " it's ") means 'it is'. In the sentence, you're basically saying ' wheels on it is corners.' That doesn't sound right. Thus, it shall be 'its'. (No, seriously, I feel like I'm not making any sense. Please inform me if I'm not.)
'Rising to meet him were two tanks full of luminous blue liquid side-by-side.' And everything that follows.
Enough description so that it isn't vague or too much. In other words: just enough. You don't need a lot of description here, so this is perfect. It's also very ominous, but super cool.
Also, I feel like I could see the girl perfectly. You've hit the description target hard (Seriously? I'm going with that?!) with no flaws or hesitation. (Do I even know what I'm saying anymore?!)
'The girl’s eyelids slowly began to twitch, along with her fingers. Suddenly, her eyes snapped open and her knees buckled, sending her falling forward.'
I could see everything so perfectly! It was so real and... Well, real. It's like reading one of those really good books that you never want to end because it's been written so well and everything is so awesome. Yours would happen to be one of those stories, I guess.
'“Evacuation complete. Survivor total: 1. Casualty total: 619. Unaccounted: 1.” '
HOLY TISSUE BOXES! WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?! WHO IS UNACCOUNTED?! Will that have something to play for later in your novel.....?
“I’m a guy,” he said, even more flatly.'
Love the bluntness. One of my favorite parts in this whole thing.
'“What’s Scott?” They boy sighed, and refused to answer this question.'
At this point I noticed the grey review box creeping up the bottom of my screen. I got very sad and I though, "NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I really don't want this to be over! This is so good!
I absorbed every word of this chapter and loved every moment of it. This is so, so, so great.
So, now we've got 'The Boy' and 'A Girl'? Specific.
Anyway, this was so great and I would totally expect to see this on the shelves of a bookstore. But it's on the [insert good words here] of YWS, which is a close second.
Never stop writing and don't forget to stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug
Holy crap. Thank you so much for the assloads of praise you've hefted onto me. The fact that you're enjoying it so much is extremely gratifying after I've put so much work into this. I was going to wait until tomorrow to begin work on Chapter 4, but now I think I might get a head-start on it now.
Thank you for reading through carefully enough to notice those little typos and vaguenesses that I missed in editing. It is so difficult to catch them when you're trying to edit such a large volume of text. The fact that I missed that misuse of "it's" is especially bothersome, as it's a common error of mine that I need to unlearn. Tomorrow I will correct the typos that you so helpfully pointed out in this chapter and the previous.
Your reactions are also very helpful, as they help me to gauge what aspects are effectively evoking interest and investment in the reader. It is very difficult to tell what puppets are functioning properly when you're working the strings from above. I already know how everything's going to work out, so it's hard for me to think in terms of what the reader knows.
I don't know if you've read the post on my profile, but I've run out of already-written material that just needed some editing. Today is actually the first day of winter break though, and I've vowed to relight my passion for writing during this time among other things. I don't know how long it will take for me to be happy with Chapter 4, but it will be a few days minimum, and around a week maximum. Thank you so much for your continued support on both a technical and personal level. I'm delighted that you're getting so much joy out of the thing I made.
Well I'm going to go work on Ch. 4. Goodbye!
I wish you good fortune for writing your new chapter!