Published March 29, 2009
For everyone who has lost someone the loved. Death has been pretty evident in my life recently, and I just wanted to write something. This took less than a minute. (well, maybe more than a minute but each word was written from the heart without a second thought).
For those lost souls,
Death is hardest on the forgotten,
For those lost souls,
Time of pain, and floods of weep.
For those lost souls,
Inexorable time tick no more,
For those lost souls,
Broken hearts, broken minds and broken faith.
But one soul is free now,
For those lost souls,
Perhaps this is some solace,
For those lost souls,
Pain is temporary, memories everlasting.
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For those lost souls,
Death is hardest on the forgotten.
For those lost souls,
Time of pain, and weeping floods.
For those lost souls,
Inexorable time ticks no more.
For those lost souls,
Broken hearts, broken minds and broken faith.
But one soul is free now,
Perhaps, some solace.
For those lost souls,
Pain is temporary, memories everlasting.
That's an updated version, I have taken into consideration everyones advice. Is there anything more you think could or should be changed? Or even bits you think I should add?
im going to have to agree with this comment. It didnt stick for me either.
I really like this poem, it definitely encompasses the essence of those who know what the death of someone close to you feels like.
broken faith
it feels like someone cheated you, like you looked at that person a day, a week, a month ago and had some pact with otherworld forces that the people close to you would live a long, happy life. and then they're gone.
and the last stanza is the point of healing, when you try to forget the pain and focus on the memories and feelings they left behind.
this is a really sweet poem, i absoloutely love it.
I think I chose weep because it is slightly more unusual than just "tears" and will stand out more and therefore emphasis the grief a little bit more. Thank you for all the constructive critiques though, they are much appreciated!!
I liked the repetition of 'For those lost souls', but ti doesn't quite work in the first part of the last stanza, but I have no idea how re-do it, and I'm not sure it should be because the second part really works.
Also, I would change 'Time of pain, and floods of weep' to 'The time of pain, and the floods of tears', but that is my personal opinion, and it does work because the rest of the poem is abstract.
Not much said there, but it is important to know what you've done right as well as what can be improved. The emotion shines through, and it's really impressive.
So, I really liked, but there;s just some things to think about. I know it's hard to edit poetry!
Thanks very much for the advice. I definately think you are right about the structure!!
The underlined bits seem disjointed. When reading this poem these lines underlined and most of the lines following "For those lost souls" just didn't seem to work too smoothly. It was because if said in a sentence they make no absolute sense. This is just me, (probably), but I think you should slightly reword most of the lines after "For those lost souls" to make it flow easier and also to create better rhythm.
Example:
For those lost souls there are
Times of pain, and weeping floods.
I understand if you don't want to change the format because you want the "for those lost souls" to stick out from the rest of the words but this creates more symmetry in the lines. Also simple word changes like "floods of weep" to "weeping floods" allows the poem to make more sense in general.
Other than that, it was an alright poem. I would just prefer more work on the structure for a poem of this intense theme.
[spoiler]6/10[/spoiler]
Hey... was wondering (as this was my first piece of poetry ever written) if there was any more tips, or advice or just any other thoughts on my poem...
Thanks!
Thanks very much...
It was actually the very first poem I've ever written, so even if it sucked, at least it meant something!
And thank you very much puppykiss again
I'm so sorry. It must be hard to miss someone you love.I can always be your friend here if you want. Anyway, I liked the poem. It was sweet. And very giving. It gave me words that mean so much to you. There were no errors in the poem. Good job.