(little author's note for the coming story; i will touch on topics that might be triggering to some such as drinking, smoking/nicotine, depression and burnout. i won't write anything gory but figured i should put a warning either way. this is my first post on YWS and i'm here to improve! i appreciate all advice and opinions so don't hold back :) )
Once upon a time, when the Earth was new, the ocean fell in love with a star.
At dusk, when twilight had settled, she appeared. She danced over the sky, and her radiance reflected on his surface. For a while, he was content to watch her glow.
But one night, after hearing her laugh, he reached for her. He could not rise from his prison of gravity, so he summoned a typhoon. It was mighty, and with its help he caught her attention.
From that day forward they laughed together every night. He stormed and she danced, and every morning she hid behind the Sun.
Though the ocean knew not to despair, because every night she would return to him.
But not even a star can burn forever.
Where the ocean hid many lives in his depths, the star’s core was only fire. Far up in the sky, where he could not see, she was suffocating in her own heat. One night, when many centuries had passed since her birth, she fell from the sky. The ocean could do nothing but watch as his love’s light scattered over the universe.
At that moment, he vowed never to be blinded by the stars’ light again.
However some nights, when the wind is cold and the rain is heavy, he’ll reach for her once more.
If you ask the people of Barracuda Bay they might tell you that in the early autumn, if you listen very closely, you can still hear the echoes of her laughter on the breeze...
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
By the Great Mother... this is such a good love story! It's amazing. You know, not even the ocean will last forever, it will eventually evaporate thanks to global warming. But that will be billions and trillions of years from now.
Enough about that, I love it! You did such an amazing job writing this, I think the Na'vi would like to read this story, if I can translate it. ;D
Eywa ngahu.
~Kivaya
thank you so much!! i'm happy you enjoyed it
I loveeee this I’m always in love with when items/natural elements act like people and did a good job at portraying this. I’m excited to read more to come as this is just the prologue and keep up the great work!!
thank you!
This gives me fairy tale feels
Like a new beginning of an old tale
...I don't know how to put these things into English, heck, maybe I don't even know how to put these things into words at all.
I feel like some literary works made on forums and the internet have a different feel to them compared to regular books/written works, and this is definitely one of them, in a good sense, of course.
It also reminds me of songs written by Hagali and some of Mili's earlier songs
In Zusammenfassung, it is a very beautiful and elegant little prologue.
gosh that's so kind! i'm so glad you enjoyed it : D
Oooh what a fascinating little prologue! I looove world origin legends like this - this feels like a story that the people of this world have passed on for many generations. Adore the title of this novel as well!
thank you!! : D
Appreciate the warnings ~
Hia! I find myself with a bit of time on my hands and figured I should look at all the cool stuff the prolific April reviewers have posted 😊
I really like the first line. Sets the tone nicely!
Although maybe it could have been made better if the next paragraph didn’t have a repetition of the “when” phrase? ^^
That’s a nice image! “He could not rise from his prison of gravity,“
I kinda wish you would have made the summoning of the typhoon a bit more climactic tho =D Like describe how he gathered it etc.
But I like that this worked for him!
Oh that is also a really nice idea: “every morning she hid behind the Sun”
Or that the star is made of fire, and that being a bad thing. I feel like I have to find within me the vestiges of interpreting poetry for this. Oh which reminds me, you might want to check out Alex’s Lovers in Blue You might like it because your story reminds me of this! :3
In any case let me continue reading. *reads “she was suffocating in her own heat”* Oh no… Oh that is such a visceral description…
I kinda want to know more about why he decides to never be blinded by the light. As in, because maybe a bright burning, happy light might hide a critical injury/something where he needs to intervene?
That is a strong start to the story! Lotsa themes you could pick up on in coming chapters so I’m curious which way you’re going to choose!
thank you so much for reading and reviewing! i appreciate your opinion tons and see if i can apply your advice to my text
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the morbid S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This is the beginning of what seems like a deep and sensitive story. An ocean falls for a star, the star loves the ocean back, but the star dies and the ocean is all alone. :<
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Hmm…I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar -I love how you described the despair of the ocean as it watches the star burn away. He loves her but cannot do anything to stop it, as it is the course of nature. I also like the line at the end, where it says that the star’s laughter can still be heard throughout the bay. It feels romantic and haunting.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fantastical prologue to the story! I enjoyed reading this and if you plan on uploading more, I’ll be sure to read the other chapters! I wonder what shall happen next…
I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^
thank you! i'm so glad you enjoyed it and are interested in the rest of the story. i'll try to not let you down!
Yw! :>
Wow! Your prose is so poetic, it's intricate and elegant. Like watching a ballet. The characterisations are so original and you've anthropomorphised the sea + star. I think that's really original and can't wait to see the rest! Your trigger warning actually has me hooked here because my mmind is going wild imagining how nicotine and smoking applies to this... Keep writing x
Is this just a prologue or a ch.1?
aww thank you! that might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me lol i'm so glad you liked it
i might have replied to the wrong comment haha anyway this is just a prologue
Oh k cool anyway I'll be looking out for the rest...
Well, you have me hooked. I'll definitely be looking forward to more of this. It seems like there's some sort of myth that you're starting, and I'm interested on how it's going to be applied to story. In other words: Great job. I also think your writing style is absolutely beautiful.
Thank you!! I'm so glad you enjoyed it
It seems like my comment duplicated for some reason. Apologies.
no worries at all