Published January 12, 2013
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Ahh! Le Paris est très magnifique, and of course, also ce poème! For that, let me give you one of my Chop-Up Critiques!
But first, of course, is my general impression of the piece. One thing I can say: awwwwwww! You know, everyone has that feeling, I'm sure. When you've been to another country and of course you'd want to stay there forever, but no, there is the night that you'll leave and you'll be there, at that night, thinking of the possibilities you mightn't done if you'd stayed.
This smell of nostalgia pulled me and touched me, and talked to me. The feelings are there, and I commend on how you kept those emotions whilst keeping everything subtle. You chained them up but I still felt it. Kudos to that.
This is a poem an all and grammar doesn't matter much, but still, you've established proper grammar in the rest of the piece why not now? It should be 'from your life' because you're using an intransitive verb.
The use of figurative language here rocks. I loved it, it shows the beauty of the afternoon with only one word.
You did a great work at these lines, too. They were very much contradictory on their own, but doubled because of the use of the same use of words. I like that.
I think this shouldn't be used yet. It's because their still in the final night, give her time to at least absorb everything around. Using now and hour breaks the idea of it all.
That's all for now. I hope you learned a thing or two in my comments, but overall, I hope you had a great time listening to my rants
Good luck writing!
Your pal,
Al
Parts of me really want to like this poem, but there are some things I really can't get over.
First off, the ambiguity is what is killing me. This could be about anyone who has visited Paris and fallen in love with the city (unless this is what you are trying to go for), but the effect here is kind of mundane.
The way your lines are broken up are bizarre; there is no consistency and it makes the rhythm of your poem choppy instead of fluid. The first part of the poem also kind of starts of sounding like it should rhyme, but it doesn't, so I think that is something that could throw the reader off.
Finally, the word "garbed". Change it. I don't think it makes sense and there are better words to describe the effect you are trying to portray.
With some cleaning up though, I think this poem could be really good.