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Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

Things I Want to Tell You, Part One

by FruityBickel


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

you make me
want to be so soft,
like gentle satin;

like the golden hues of a rising sun
sifting slowly across a darkened sky,
the renewal of forgiveness,
the enjoyment of soft spoken
sweet nothings;

I wish not
to lose your hand
or your presence
in the long-existing suffering
of myself;

I have been this way for so long,
and only you have shown me
how to make peace, and make fire
in the darkness of the cave I call myself.

I miss you.

Not just the way you feel inside me,
but the softness of your skin as well,
and the soothing sound
of your baritone call;

a soft spring bird,
calling me home,
calling me to a place I never thought existed
before;

You taught me how to stand on my own,
and now I wish to stand with you.

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Points: 0
Reviews: 156

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Fri Nov 08, 2019 6:35 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey nogutsnoglory, Katja here to review your poem "Things I Want to Tell You". As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful. With that being said, lets get into the review!~

Overall thoughts

Your poem is very well-written. Firstly, it uses metaphors and comparisons very well, that it all flows very naturally. The imagery you use never draws attention away from the overall tone of your poem and I applaud you for that.

The format/structure of the poem works very well with the subject of this piece and likewise does not take any attention away from the tone- it flows well for the subject in my opinion.

The poem seems to express peace at being with someone the narrator loves- they wish to remain by this person's side. This person has given the narrator new-found self-worth and showed them how to be themselves in this world.

You taught me how to stand on my own,
and now I wish to stand with you.


I really love these lines~

Suggestions

you make me

I recommend starting with a capital since in the rest of the poem you seem to use capitals at the start of new lines and punctuation consistently. Just a thought.

That's all I have for suggestions~

Summary

I am very impressed with your poem- your use of imagery and structure combined with this subject was very well put together. I particularly appreciate the topic which comes across as very mature and not at all like a "puppy love" "secret admirer" angsty poem that many poems tackling similar subjects often do.

I hope my review was helpful~

Keep Writing,

~Katja




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62 Reviews

Points: 2406
Reviews: 62

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Mon Oct 07, 2019 4:31 pm
Anniepoo103 wrote a review...



Wow! First of all, this was such a powerful piece. i could feel the speaker's emotions as they talked about wanting to be with the person they are speaking of.
There are a few things that I would change though.
Where you said:
"I wish not
to lose your hand
or your presence
in the long-existing suffering
of myself;"
I feel like you kind of strayed from your general tone and the theme of your piece. The words long existing suffering felt kind of wordy,and it contrasted with the otherwise simple and straightforward theme of your poem.
I really enjoy your metaphor of calling the speaker a cave. Maybe you could expound upon that in other places. Maybe talk about how the baritone call echoes in the cave, or how things are written upon the walls.
Overall, this was a wonderful piefce and I look forward to reading your work in the future. I hope that my advice/words helped you out some! Have a wonderful day !

-Anniepoo





I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?
— Homer Simpson